solarplanet's Journal

 
    
27
Dec 2009
6:45 AM EDT
   

What I really want

After my conversation wtih my gal friends today, I felt so drained, so tired coz they're so negative. Guys, do u know that u have build�a terrible reputation for yourself ? Women find it so hard to trust u! My conversation with gals always revolve around how guys r cheating on their gfs .I feel so disappointed. I mean, certainly there r honest,faithful, really great guys out there right? So why am I not meeting there yet? I know there r guy out there who think the same - that girls r doing a great job on cheating their bfs as well...but for me, I can really guarantee I will stay faithful to my husband as long as I love him. There is no way I will split my heart into 2.

I just think that maybe it's time my gal friends stop telling me how bad guys r or how upset/uncertain they r in their r/s.

God, just really wish, pple can understand me. Being single is OKAY - I'm really starting to believe in this statement. There's nothing wrong if I'm single and virgin at 25.

�I'm really happy with being myself right now, although feeling lonely, just wished there's somebody to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

We r really just being more than physical beings. Can we ever look beyond this fact?!

2 comment(s) - 10:58 PM - 12/28/2009
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15
Dec 2009
4:58 AM EDT
   

So what's up with my life? New guy interest....

Okay so guys, no body left any comments for my previous post, fine.

I'm quite surprise that I'm actually looking forward to seeing a guy at my art school lately. I still don't know him -yet. I havn't got a chance to talk to him, and I don't know if I will be able to.Unless he coaches me for art, otherwise, there's no chance to talk to him- I think. Okay I know I should stop falling in love with instructors...like how previously I fell in love with my yoga instructor. But seriously, I didn't expect that I would meet somebody @� this art studio.�

Okay not that I'm falling in love, I'm just having a crush. Yup, I'm FINALLY able to actually feel my heart ticking again these days!! (if u know abt me ,u would know how depress i had been for the last 1 year, so i'm definitely improving now)

I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to art class just to see him !! OMG !!

The thought of seeing him is so exciting.

Okay I must say, he's really short - much shorter than I am. And he's got such super long hair, such super crazy�braids/curls-�so cool! I've never seen a guy who could pull of this look so well! That is why I am utterly surprise that I could actually develop a crush on this guy, and it's only been like 3 lessons??

Artsy guy is really quite a pretty boy. I caught his looks on lesson 2 and discovered he had such translucent, delicate fair skin, it was almost impossible ! The gaze in his eyes was mesmerizing. When he's serious (like when he's walking around and looking at people's work), he's so attractive ! I like him, just wished he was TALLER.

I dun know, but I feel like he knows my presence and I caught his attention on lesson 1 already. I dun know,�I just have this feeling. It was as if I could feel his eyes was already on me the very 1st time he saw me. It's strange. And lesson 2, I could vividly remember him sitting near me as he watched the rest of us attend the art lesson (he was just helping out that evening).

What do guys really think of having taller gf? Okay, not like I care if I really have a shorter bf...he's so beautiful, he really is.

1 comment(s) - 08:33 PM - 12/20/2009
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07
Dec 2009
7:54 AM EDT
   

Only Guys Can Answer.

Honestly guys ,tell me what kind of girls attract u? What kind of wife do u really treasure?�What kind of partner would make u stay faithful in the marriage and not cheat?

I'm stubborn - I believe that there are really fun loving, outgoing guys out there who actually likes their opposite - a girl who is demure and sweet. I'm an Aries , but I'm a quiet and shy Aries, yet I'm always attracted to people who are very 'sunshine' type , loves sports, looks hot....but I often find that the guys I like are quite playboys and they don't like quiet girls!

Hey but I also believe I DESERVE a great man.

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01
Dec 2009
8:27 AM EDT
   

Flipping to the last month of the calendar

Tonight I've finally come to the last month of my calendar. What a year it has been. This has been a year of healing. This has been the year where I shout out loud and tell myself that "it" has to stop. "It" refers to the deep hole I dug in myself, the depression tt had become so habitual, the self-pitying syndrome that drills myself to darkness and the constant, foolish longing for a man who will never love me. "It" is leaving me further and further from my life, especially since I decided to leave that place early this year.

It has been 3/4 of the year tt I have not step into that place already. Ever since leaving that place, I found better studios to learn. I met nicer people, genuine, almost impossibly nice people. It's how true people always say "move on, there are better�things out there". Indeed I found so much more love and freedom the moment I have the courage to stop going that place. Now with yoga and art class in my life, there isn't much time to think of him anymore.

However, occasionally when I do somethings, I still think of him. But it's different now. The difference is that I now feel the relief of knowing I'm in the guidance of better hands.I know I'm taken care of by other groups of pple who really has that knowledge and know what they're doing, and most importantly,they treat me with respect and love. The agony in me, hey come to talk abt it now, I suddenly realise I'm not filled with tt pain and anguish anymore. It's true, time heals things. Maybe sometimes, u simply forget abt it becoz it's no longer ur priority anymore.

I feel good abt what I do now.The only problem is I really want to stop, like completely stop thinking abt him at all. It has been such a habitual thing to just conveniently have him pop up in my mind.The other day, the face of him pop� up in my head so vividly that it scares me.

I know God has something better for me. And I'm still waiting for the right one to come by.I pray to God everynight that 'he' will come. 'he' refers to this dream guy, and I think I have the right to dream the craziest type of man I want. Heck, put ur standard higher, and ask for a great man.I believe what I ask, will be given!!

And now that it has come to December, even though in Jan I promise myself that 2009 is going to be a great year, and that I will get a bf ,which of course I didn't.....but I know I will eventually receive him. In 2010, I really really hope tt I have a boyfriend. I WANT A BOYFRIEND! And I'm going to admit it, I'm desperate for one.

So let's all count down and have a toast, may our new year be filled with much joy and laughter. Stay happy.

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02
Nov 2009
7:05 AM EDT
   

nice night

2 Nov 2009

It's such a beautiful night. The air is so cool which is a rare here. The chill is exhilarating. I had done a yoga class this evening and I felt so peaceful within me. The soft music of Ty Burhoe which made its way into my playlist today made me feel like yoga is really ME. Yoga is me. I am Yoga. I can't believe how the soft music actually touches me, makes me feel so good about what I'm doing. I want to be a yoga teacher!

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01
Nov 2009
7:06 AM EDT
   

I am still waiting

1 November 2010.

And so almost half a year has passed since I saw the Tarot card reader. I believe in her. She said the moment I let go of him, I would be able to meet a new guy within a year. I trust her, and I'm still waiting for that to happen. He who loves me, will be a great guy.

I'm sure that person who's going to love me and fall in love with me will be someone special. He's going to be able to see that special quality in me just as I see it in myself. I just have to be patient.

25 Dec 2010- I'm already hoping this year's X'mas would be more romantic. I hope I get to find that special someone by X'mas and celebrate with him. I've even included in my hp diary to have a date with him-whoever that may be.

And I just realise CNY is on feb 14 next year. How romantic can it get if my 1st ever Valentine's day crashes with CNY? I'm just really hoping I have a boyfriend real soon. He's going to be so good to me. I think.

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27
Sep 2009
6:41 AM EDT
   

If all that there is at the end of life is death, why do we still live life the way it is? What is our purpose on Earth? If I can so honestly know the answer - that one day I'll just die as well, why do I need to work so hard now?

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17
Jun 2009
8:25 AM EDT
   

it's like for real

3 months of not seeing you.

suddenly memories of you keep coming back. i refrain my self from seeing you. and now i feel like i'm thinking of you as if u were dead already. those memories, they come back like u're really no longer here with me anymore.

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10
Jun 2009
6:58 AM EDT
   

whatever

I just wanna tell the world how stupidly I'm missing somebody like you. What happened to my LOA? It didn't bring the man I love to me.

I still have a tendency to want to fall into the deep dark pit and agonise myself. I miss you and I wish I could talk to you� again.

Why is it that men can be so cruel ?

2 comment(s) - 03:49 PM - 06/13/2009
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08
Jun 2009
8:10 PM EDT
   

what to do

it's been 3 mths since i last saw raj. i still keep thinking about him. i still hold on to the old thought pattern.

one great thing i've done is to move on by joining a new yoga center, learning something good from others. i stopped visiting him or texting him.

but every day when i wake up, i still think about him. am i�crazy?

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03
May 2009
6:30 AM EDT
   

what's wrong?

I am 25. Never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed.Never had sex.

All day long, I just soak myself in my own dream world.In reality. I feel miserable.

I have high self esteem I believe.But why, do I feel so empty inside right now?

I don't hang out with OTHER people, all I do is stay within my comfort zone of familiar friends and family.I ain't going to know any other new friends. My life is so lonely.

The only thing that occupies my thoughts are negative right now.How I missed Raj, how I hate Raj, how I hate myself, how I hate etc etc etc.

God pls help. I need a GREAT guy and find happiness in an intimate relationship!!

4 comment(s) - 11:23 AM - 06/17/2009
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03
May 2009
6:26 AM EDT
   

I miss u like shit. What do I do now?

Raj, I miss you so badly. My world is still stuck in the year 2008. How can I ever move on ? I am so scard. I am so scard like shit that you will leave one day.

I have not seen you for so long.I need my pride, so badly,and this is the only way for me to do it. Yet now six weeks have passed, and I feel like seeing you again. These six weeks have seemed eternal to me,isn't it?

I can imagine, maybe a year from now, you could be a father of someone's else child.You could be the husband of someone else. What aBOUT ME??�DO YOU EVER THINK OF ME? DO YOU EVEN MISS ME?

Have you totally left me?�I still think about those early days when we first met.You would do silly things to gain my attention, you were so sweet back then.Why didn't u continue and follow your hearT?�Raj, I need you.

please, call me. i ask for god to unite us. pls.

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15
Feb 2009
7:28 AM EDT
   

my love, my yoga man

So , I've decided to leave. I really wanna make this clear to myself . You have moved on, and I'm still hanging on here, still living in the dreams that you've created for me. I will not put myself in the position where I even think of being with you anymore. You have left for me a clear answer that I can only accept. With this, I take on the last blessing you give me, and I promise you and myself to live my life well again. Thank you for being with me for the past two years.

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03
Dec 2008
10:37 PM EDT
   

i love u ,i hate u

i love u enough to love u

i love u enough to cry abt us

i love u enough to be depress

i love u enough to be happy at the slightest of things

i love u enough to be brave

i love u enough to be weak

i love u enough to be vain

i love u enough to be cool

i love u enough to be me

i love u enough to be not me

i love u enough to quit

i love u enough to give up

i love u enough to let go

i love u enough to perservere till today

i� love u enough to see the truth

i love u enough to deceive myself

i love u enough to miss u

i love u enough to stay away from u

R,�what has happened to me? it takes only a second to know u, and my lifetime to forget u.

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28
Nov 2008
8:40 AM EDT
   

Time to let go......

I embarked on this amazing journey of faith that has got me this far. I fell in love with a man, a yoga instructor. What was supposed to be spiritual turned out to be quite a roller coaster ride for me. But now ,its time to let it all go. He's not a saint ,and I shouldnt impose that on him just because he's doing yoga. He's very much a human, a man.

I believe I can move on strongly without him. Although from time to time, I am tempted to feel that he still feels something for me, but I shall refrain from that. I have never regretted liking someone like him. He's so carefree. I can't tie him down, and I don't want to. I think its time to let him go......and myself too.

It hurts very bad , at times I'm fine, at times I'm not .

At times its really hard to breathe as u think of him every day, ur thoughts just surround this man. "How do i carry on without him" at times i wonder....

When I let him go totally, will he end up coming back to me one day? Can I pray to God to unite us?

Anyway people, as I was reading my own personal posts , i teared up.I realise how happy i used to be, how hopeful� i used to be.but its all gone now.

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18
Feb 2008
1:39 PM AKDT
   

What is love?

I went to your class yesterday, after not seeing you for a week. Seeing you is twice the pain ,twice the hurt . But I gotta be cruel to be kind to myself.

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solarplanet's Profile

  • Username: solarplanet
  • Gender / Age: Female, 35
  • Location: USA - Arizona
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    SOLARPLANET's Interests:

    About Me: As of Dec 2009, I'm beginning to explore the artistic side of me.I'm attending art school and learning to paint, just like what I learnt as a kid in school - I really miss those days. I love makeup, and I watch a lot of youtube videos on makeup. It's not a dumb thing okay? Make-up is really a form of art .

    Interests: Make-up , Art, watching youtube, checking out the latest stuff on hollywood celebs, reading good books, and i'm also into spiritual thingy.

    Favorite Music: From pop to country to new age.

    Favorite Movies: Twilight and Romeo & Juliet.

    Favorite Books: Too many, I can't decide on one.But if I were to recommend u, I would say : Unfinished Business- What the Dead can Teach Us About Life. It will drastically transform the way you view LIFE .