Nodeadenz

4 real I dont care anymore, I just want it to be over. Iam tired of living a damn lie. I have tried to accomodate him but it just doesnt work. the more I give the more he wants. He is a leach, his sister called me on xmas eve. that was her dumb ass mistake! I am confident he wants to do everything in his will to stay connected me, however I cant stay connected to him. The relationship/marriage is poisoned and toxic because of his drinking, smoking weed and outright paranoia. As was told to me he does have a lot of issues, Iam not negating my own. But damn I cant fuck with him, he has brought me to an all time low. It is too much for me to deal with, my son's cant stand the air he breathes. There's a song that is appropriate for this moment Since you been gone".

Last night when I came home reign was there, I am not in the mood to baby sit which is the reason I stop having kids. Now he is here @the y with us and dj thinks he's going to sack me with him. Not happening. this time  is for me to relax. I did not agree to watch him.

over the weekend I spoke to my father about john, he gave some good advice. I spoke to john this afternoon, he was beligerent as usual. Y is it that he cant figure  out that women dont like to be treated like shit. He walked of his job, without regard for us. I think he is trying to get me evicted by not man-ning up. Anytime he getsf a piece of money he does a disappearing act. Y  keep coming back when he's broke and hungry. Iam not his momma. that seems to be what he is looking for. I can not raise a 35 year old man. He had the fucking audacity to say he was going to bring his son to MY HOME. JOHN didnt bring a fucking piece of bread in the house. When there wasnt anything to eat in the house he told me verbatim "fuck you and your kids". So y would he expect me to feed his son, whom I dont care for. Plus he isnt my responsibility, john doesnt watch my kids even when he is in the same house with mine. y should I do him any favors, he was a dead beat prior to meeting me. He told me my son has an Oedipis complex. How can a  man who has never had a stable relationship with his own quantify mine as inappropriate.


Maybe one day love will come in the form of the opposite sex, for now I will love my self. Of course I will be selfish, I should take care of myself. I am getting older,yet I dont with certainty what brings me happiness. what I do know is that contentment comes from with in. hmmmm hopefully, when I return home it will be my home! perhaps his father will help him get his shit. I cant forward with him, he is a leach a drawback. Anytime I try to go forward he draws me back with his negativity, doubts,insecurities, just bullshit. He's afraid to do anything different so we both should remain stagnate.

Today is the day I take control of my life, no excuses, no placing blame. Its all bout me, well according to him it has always been about me lol1

yesterday was a bad at work i was written up, and I told the supervisor how i really feel about working there. I feel kind of stuck cant comprehend why I cant get promoted there not sure what the problem is I do not like her and her ghetto ass self. The job isnt difficult but dealing with her on a daily basis isnt the most pleasant expierence. I stay to myself most of the time,cause I dont fit in nothing new. Anyway john and I had a talk abut about my needs not being met, sure he was offended. Oh well it was either  tell him the truth, or do what I do best, which is ax him. I love him but I love myself more, cant be unfufilled and be happy. I think the problem is resolved. His jealousy or whatever one would call it is like nails on a chalkboard. Iam a free spirit, I enjoy my space. Just wonder is love enough.....He gives me plenty of attention there is no lack. But sometimes I feel he isnt ambitious enough or motivated enough. I need him to lead this thang take charge, maybe that is a role he isnt familiar with idk. I dont want to be with someone I have to constantly pump and prime. I feel that as a man there are somethings one should do without having to be asked.  Although my ex husband was horrible to me, I never went without! He did anything and everything with in his means to help me. Even if it meant breaking the law he held it down for his family. Ivan's drive is an example of  the kind of man I desire.
Often times I find myself holding back on many levels... not good I  know.
 He asked me was I reminiscing the past. The obvious answer was  no which was a lie. No man wants to hear that his woman is thinking about another man in any context. When I consider my former life, its like wow  that was me? Cant believe sometimes I am monogamus. For the first time  I dont have a back up plan. I left tony alone at the beginning of this year. We were casual fuck partners for many years, but i began to feel  that I need more than what he could offer.
Also gave jammie the boot he dick was huge, but his pockets were thin. That is one cheap ass brotha! He wanted  a woman to take care of him  his mother  fucked him up for life! I miss the times when he would call me just to  come over and hold him. I like men who can let there guard down. John  is cool he holds me, gives me attention when I need it but I always wonder whether he is doing it out of a sense of obligation or love for me. I have a hard time talking to him because he is a  bit sensitive, and takes every word I say personally!

I have carried her as far as possibly can, Iam done, for real no more sleeping all fucking day that and the back and forth with my younger children. Its too much Iam about to crack I just cant take care her and her fucking baby. People keep saying she is my child hmm but damn when does she stop being a child and handle her shit?
 

Again I met  someone online his name is Victor mmm is so good to me. He so wonderful, patient not perfect now he got some shit with him. nothing that I cant handle. What I enjoy about him is  his ability to make me smile, It's weird he left  and I was thinking about him, then he called me. He helped me clean the house,actually he and zay did most of the work.

whitman claims he will be here tomorrow but if were forced to be truthufl I dont really want to see him

Today is thursday not much going on after all it is still early. I spent the latter portion of yesterday with J of course it was ok.  Omg it was better than ok! Something is transpiring btwn us that I cannot adequatley define. Of course I have been sexually attracted to  a number of men, so Im aware that this isnt the case with him. Not that I aint feelin him lik this. But its something deeper, than just desiring to sex him. I want him, want to be consumed by him. Yesterday while laying on the couch at his daughter house, he feel asleep. This gave me the opportunity to get a real good look at him. He appeared so relax, his defenses were down couldnt  resist had to rub his chest!.

I am going to do this right this time. no sabotage. Kind of like the trust game I enjoying playing with him: he holds my hands firmly as  close my eyes and let my self go. That is what Im going to do allow myself to fall (in love)and pray he is there  to support me. I'd like  2 experience things with J that  I normally would make a speedy exodus from. I got to thank Greg for giving me sound advice. He suggested I tell whomever I dating upfront about my intent 2 sabotage potentially healthy relationships.

The first few times we kissed were guarded, neither one of us were going to come out of hiding. They were safe, pecks no fire works, going off. Now when we lock lips my pulse beat fasters, my head spins, I become dizzy, as well as childlike. I smile, giggle like a teenager with a crush. Prior to him walking home we did our usual routine: kissed each other goodbye. It ws so passionate I had to grab the porch rail to steady myself.

Often times I crave closeness,just  want him in my space..

I was supposed to meet him halfway, but of course Iam bad @ directions,we missed each other. However when I finally arrived home he was on the porch chatting with Isaiah.  Because J wasLooking like mekhi pheiffer Fresh haircut, smelling so good, wearing his arrogance wears like a badge of honor, . I found it difficult to remain angry  @  him  for the wild goose chase he sent me on.

   once  he made a jokeabout it being our one week anniversary and  having cupcakes to celebrate. I suprised him with a cupcake and one candle for the one week we've been together. he was chatting with someone so when he turned around  he eyes lit up, and a  childlike grin spread across his face.

Every  since we've met we have been "inseperable" to quote him. Dont want to smother him, I get it that men need space. This doesnt prevent  the aching,  longing,whirling sensation from overtaking me.

I just dont understand I went to church last night, the prophet was there and he told me somethings I could concur with. However some things he spoke left me mystifed, like the fact that he stated my husband is tall and muscular. He stated I met him b4. Im not seriously dating anyone presently. Just trying take care of self, relationship are alot of work! Met someone Wednesday, he seems ok. Hi name is J. I can tell he has been hurt/used in the past. J is very guarded as well as I, the difference is he believes every woman will hurt him specifically me. I only reciprocate how I'd like to be treated; with kindness as well as respect. He tells me many things like a woman he dealt with in the past approached him. I dont mind really, because we arent committed to one another. Secondly if he is feeling me like he states then why  would he venture into perilous territories. J is so fragmented, cautious, in addition to being cute. He is easily upset, not prepared to fall in love with anyone right now. It takes time to get to know someone, not sure if I want to get aquainted with anyone presently.

Eliis called me spoke to him briefly, trying to weazel himself back into my good graces. Not going down,  recovering from his bullshit nicely I must say! He isnt serious about me. Not a problem!  keep it moving is what I intend on doing. Not gonna settle for less than what I deserve. No clue as to what he's been doing, dont really care to be honest. He would prefer I stayed home, learning the techniques of crocheting, needle point or some other dull hobby!  He wants me all to himself, yet does not have a clue as to hold my attention.

Kind of enjoying my singleness, J's motives are clear he wants me! I put it out there for him to  mull over. (The no compromising clause I have for my admirers. ) Told him its ok if he  has sex with someone else. After all how would I know, secondly Iam not his woman! Since  Wednesday he has called me, stopped by made me laugh hugged me. Having a great time, so far......

I disobeyed the prophet who told me not to look back and read some of the i.m. "he" sent some months ago. No purpose for doing so, there isnt anything there that would've have  allowed me to detect  or predict his many deceptions. Damn I feel like such a freaking fool. How did I get myself into that mess. Or why did I allow my emotions to take me for a roller coaster ride? Still unanswered questions linger... why? Why?

Iam totally single now... with reason of course. One of my fears is being alone, which Iam conquering  methodically and slowly. There are times when I question whether I want  continue living this way, the answer is of course not!  However I need to  do me . Whomever I marry (if I ever do) I want to prove to be an asset versus dead weight. I dont honestly know with surety if I ever will remarry, but for now friendships will suffice. I need to re establish a relationship with self, love me unconditionally first.

I awoke early this morn, while  the children were resting.  I finished reading this book called tortured for christ.  I cannot grasp why someone would voluntarily  consent to martyrdom. Dont get it twisted I love christ as well, however not to this extent. Pray for me, cause I would not under any circumstance submit to being abused. The crucifixon was enough for me christ paid it all. I consider  his death the ultimate cost  for my sin. So why should I suffer needlessly when he already paid the price.

I sincerely belive that there are better ways to serve god than being beating, kicked spat on  imprisoned and the like. Never before have I appreciated the freedom of living in the west as I do now. I am not limited to  speak because of my gender or ethnicity.

How did i forget to mention that yesterday zay pissed me off, by sneaking someone into our home. I feel this was disrespectful as well as tacky on her part. If her baby daddy is so into her, then why cant he take her to a hotel. Or how about providing for them a place to live? It is evident to him that I dont care for him, his motive is so transparent to me? Does she refuse to see his agenda, or is blinded by her own selfish desires.

Wow I didnt mean to put bullets here but oh well, its a couple hours away from "venting time". I have been thinking about the "bishop". Mundane things like what is his favorite past time. What is he like outside of church, does he possess a personality? Or is he stiff like a starched shirt. I have his number but I havent called him since we spoke earlier this week. My reasoning for doing so is that if he  is into me then it will be him pursuing me and not vice versa. Iam not thirsty nor am I desperate. Not looking for anything other than friendly conversation@ this point. Relationships take a toll on me,they keep my mind churning with what ifs. I need to take some time out for me, I have been neglecting me for so long that I dont know how to take care of me. I actually feel guilty if or when I do something for myself. I dont eat properly, children hovering over me when I do manage to get a  bite of food turns me off. Have  not sleep well, I have  alot of stuff on my mind these days. Such as school and conquering many fears.

I recongize my need to control is derived from fear, fear of the unknown, change...... I have to make some changes as suggested to me.

Ellis called me just now, why Iam unsure. We have nothing  to discuss or share. I prefer not to be in his company. I conveyed how I felt about him neglecting me, of course he was nonchalant. It's whatever, NEXT! I  have moved on...  the him I used to refer to is calling me from a state facility, with many apolgogies. He also wrote me a letter. However Iam not interested. Considering the torment he put me through I  have nothing left to say to him. For some time I was  bruised as well as wounded due to his speedy exodus. I forgave him, yet I wonder why I cry privately. He claims to want to reconcile, however I doubt it is feasible. I dont trust him and in the crevices of my mind  hestitation still  exist.

I've given him to much air time, I had left my home for 2 months, stayed with my mom briefly due to some stressful situations. I met someone  during this time other than Ellis, he appears harmless. Dont know much about him other than he is a Bishop also single parent. Seems ok, not really looking forward to a relationship with him or anyone @ this point. I need a hiatus right now, dont mind friendship but anything beyond this  will bring on issues. I have to be forthright with myself he is handsome, militant and an ok kisser lol.

not much is happening this morning, didnt sleep well x.e. had her legs and arms all over me. I still feel tired and dj is up to his normal shit nothing. always off task. thinking of him, missing "him" his bday is tomorrow.Want him bad, am feeling nervous. Alot of what ifs are playing in my mind. Iam trying to maintain a positve attitude about this situation. Counting down the days til we are together and Iam were I want to be, which is with him in his arms, kissing him touching him and putting this fire on him lol. Iam ready,  now I have somethings to work on like my temper which is off the chart. I need to work on effectivley communicating without getting stank and cursing like a damn fool. Hope Iam not addicted to raging as phylicia eluded to. Iam scared, nervous and excited.! I kind of feel as if I only have one shot to get this right. I have to put my trust in a source that is greater than I on this one. I have prayed and find great solace in doing so. Prayer calms me down and quiets the voices in my head! I aint crazy or nothing but I have a lot of negative thoughts @times. I dont know what to expect, this is different for me I usually can predict the outcome.  He says he has a suprise for me tried to weasel it out of him didnt work.

Talk to my ex husband  this morning and realized how much he is the same. I feel sorry for him. I wanted to talk to him about Isaiah but didnt. Because the outcome wont change. He will burn in hell b4 he admits the truth. I guess he thinks he is hurting me. Not so. he is just making an ass of himself and when david grows up and finds out..... I feel sorry for Ivan. David is a great kid, with a ever growing brilliant mind! He'll be doing like Shaq's father, but its going to be to late. He claims to still love me, but how can this be true when he doesnt love his only child. It hurts me when he talks about how well he is doing and the things he's doing with other people but doesnt have time to allocate to his only child. There is no place for david in his life, but hey a sista cant stay here. He is our past I refuse 2 live in the past, he is who is and Iam powerless  over this shit. Gotta keep it movin, roll with the punches.

However long the night, the dawn will break.

today is like any other day here, its cold and Iam expieriencing S.A.D. right now. I have to escape this place, need a change of scenery fo real. Talk to my mother and she got it rite this time , about sabatoge. This how I operated in the not so distance past any time I felt like I could fall in love or my feeling were getting deep I would cut off a relationship with someone. Not a good habit, so Iam trying very concertedly to  change this. It is quiet around here, kids are at school despite our weather being in the single digits. My sister was/is supposed 2 show up and help me do some domestic stuff. Appears she is a no show, then again I should not be suprised.

Trying to keep my mind off of "him", attempted to write a poem but cant find it. Thought I saved it in my email as a draft its not there. Have to start from memory all over again. Going 2 take a power nap I need it.

the day didnt start off so well, we had a disagreement, it was nasty! I cursed him out several times.. I apologized but still feel bad and this transpired this morning its 2 in the afternoon. He hurt me and vice versa Im sure. He said during out heated argument dont ever call me again, which is my worst fear. That is what really hurt me most, the idea of him  not being a part of me..  I dont want to start crying  so Iam going to stop talking about "him". I went to the doctor if that's what you want to  call it, had  a check up done and found out that the pain I have is caused by I have to take a breather.... the pain in my stomach is caused by cyst that are on my cervix. I recall a couple years agao b4 i had dj my doctor wanted me to go through with a procedure but I refused. Now I wish I would've.

I must get my mind right and focus on something other than him. this kids are doing what they do best especially daniel! He is getting on my fucking nerves and Isaiah should be getting ready for his apt with jenny. I need to get daniel back on his meds for real, cause there are times like now that I want to break his damn neck. Tomorrow I have anger management, and bet she will be diggin in my biz. Her life must be really dull compared to mine, havent attempted to complete the home she gave out. Will get @ it later much later! I recognize where all my feelings of bitterness derive. dont need her to tell me this, all I need is direction on how to act out my anger without causing any more harm to myself or others. After a conversation with "him" about  what took place in my childhood I was restless. As well as afraid, I regressed and became that child again. I feared that "mattie" would hear me reveal what she had done and retaliate. I was physically ill and shaken just by speaking about the incident. I had to repeatedly tell myself that  "Iam safe and Iam not that child anymore. " I pulled the covers over my head as if shielding myself from the harm she caused me. This is crazy, I admit, but hey whatever gets me through the night.

Feeling like hmm idk, cant describe it so many emotions going on right now. I feel sad, hopeless, ugly. scared depressed.... and alot of anxiety. I want what I want when I want and presently I want "him" The distance is becoming a fucking headache, I need to feel him, to hear "him" breathe see his facial expressions. Something has to give, cant do this much longer I wont. I cant sleep @  night . Most nights I cry or toss and turn myself to sleep. When I conjured thoughts of my ideal he is it but our current situation is all jacked up. How can I say to him with out appearing all clingy that I need you now! "Right now, I need  you to be here with me, I feel  fragmented, incomplete." I wish I had the courage to say this to him and much more like "please be faithful and committed only to me". Im getting choked up right now, thinking of how much I miss "him," trying to stay strong and not break down Iam on the edge of tears. Why did I do this to myself? I did say never again.... but look @ me now. Am I a fool for allowing myself to love this hard this deep.... for craving him like I do with every fiber of my being!