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15
Dec 2012
5:55 AM EST
   

let me love you

To whom� this concerns:
�how many times have I said I am apologetic for breaking your heart? You wont let me live it down.� I will pray that god reveals to me how remedy the pain I have caused you.
�I am thankful you understand why I did what I did. It was never my intent to hurt you. Now Iam hurting too,I wonder if you think of me as tainted. My husband throws it in my face that I was raped, of course he blames me. I am forever altered, guess you kind of figured.... You just sitting next to me made me stiff up. Its not so much that Im rejecting you. I am fearful as well as cautious more so than before. Even when you hugged me prior to your exiting I know you felt how rigid I was.

Sorry� for the tears, hope you dont consider me a weakling. Thank you for always being a listening ear, although some times I dont want to hear your thoughts. I m not sure whether its god or happenstance but everytime I am on the brink of no return you show up... For the first time in a long while do I feel that I matter, that I am beautfuil also deserving of recriprocal love. Of course anyone who is willing to listen is aware of how you feel about me. You would shout it from the roof top if you havent already. LOL:)��
I have smiled when I wanted to cry, pretend,�when I wanted to� scream let me out of this hell! For so long I have been freaking miserable, not just in personal relationships but unhappy with the idea that I am stuck. Stuck in� depression, stuck in a marriage that should have never happened. Stuck with someone who is jealous of my children, stuck with my own warped thoughts. My list of things I believe Im� handcuffed to are endless.

For my kids I must make some drastic changes, I no longer want them to see me like this. Nor do am I going to be a victim of circumstances, scared but ready for change. Not refering to a man but a better relationship with self and God. John can never love me Iike I need to be loved, he does not love� himself. Cause if he did he would do better!�

I cant focus my attention on him rite now� I got to� take care of me. Iam vunerable� presently. hope you dont take advantage of this. Not to say that you ever had. just dont please!� I Love you�with agape love.
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14
Aug 2012
7:57 PM CST
   

Never saw this coming

Since my last entry my life has taken many turns, mostly for the worst. On the dont know why he chose to hurt me especially when he claimed to love me. What did I do wrong, was it trusting him, thought that was the very foundation of building a relationship. I believed him partly that is... told my husband what happens of� course he blame for being @ his home alone in his bed. I believe no means just that. I am angry he initially didn't believe me, for this I delayed calling the police and making a report. John want me to relive this shit every day! I am not interested in sex and of course he cant understand or care why. All�� I hear is about his needs, how wrong I was to think he cared beyond the physical. He constantly comments or tries to� elicit a response /reaction from me. Truly it is draining, to have to constantly be victimized by husband, who wont allow me to heal. He would like me to give him a play by play in regards to what happened. I wish this was a nightmare or a lie. Because at any moment I could get back to living! Denial� has set in I keep saying this isn't happening to me again. If I were ugly than sin I question whether I would be believed. yet because I am��assertive,confident intelligent: people believe I can not only see a rapist coming I can also prevent a rape from occurring. Men and women think differently about the matter. I have been told numerous times that I am at fault because I am married and "sending mixed signals". yes initially� I thought he was alright with a few quirks, no read flags minus the comment about it always being this way when he dated women. How� sexually assaulting someone your dating and consider this the norm.
I saw him today, was no way to avoid him the bus was crowded in addition to my brain with thoughts of rapping my uhaul lock upside his head. He was�������������������� blocking my exit way, when I pushed him partly with my purse and body. He followed me off the bus trying to explain his stance. my anger became explosive screaming, belligerent desperately trying to gain understanding of� simply Y.
Y he chose me Y he hurt me Y he betrayed my trust also Y did he keep inquiring about my husband. He told me we can work things out, which made me laugh. How can I over come this, its criminal also depraved. I have yet to meet a woman who wanted to be raped! Stupid me for trying to move on forget about john, trusting a con wanting to confide/cherish someone who isn't worthy.

The day before this, john called me a prostitute/whore for this is when the rubber met the road we were done! I�told me him so prior to this he was pissed but I could not go on pretending all was well. I told him I was getting out not that I wanted out.After this he called pastor stating he wanted to reconcile. Were working on it however some days are quite difficult. Just maintaining� my own authenticity is a chore, this anger is often suppressed with apathy. I pretend to be unaffected to cover what it is that I really feel. Which is pure rage, if john knew he� would probably abandon me as he so frequently does. If I don't address this issue soon I will explode!����
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20
Jul 2012
1:04 PM CST
   

Busted disgusted and cant be trusted

. Thought�u respected me clearly not the case. All�the innuendos about sex proved to me thats what you were after all along. I hate men who treat me like an object. I told him from jump I aint fucking nobody outside of my marriage. he did that same shit larry did. I dont understand men who dont get no means no. So what he offered to eat my pussy! I have told him on several occasions what my stance is no comprising period. He claims he is a christian not so, a christ like man wouldnt tell me to tempt god or sin "because he will forgive me." that shit is crazy god is not� a freaking joke nor should I sin believing he will forgive what if after the act I die and go to hell. perhaps that seems extreme but it is possible. As i told him Iam not perfect I just want to live what I say, dont want to stand in the way of sinners. What have I got myself into? He hung up on me when I told him I was going to church versus spending time with him and his kids whom I dont particularly care for. He also claims he wants to marry me that is just game to get him closer to his goal which is to have sex with me. Iam not going for any bullshit. I would rather be alone than live a lie and be a hypocrite. I told him several time who I was and what I stand for. he would like me to forget that Iam married. Regardless of the fact that were not totally together john is still my husband. I dont have a right to give curtis something that doesnt belong to me, I made a vow to god til death and unless i definitivley decide to get a divorce Iam going to live a life void of sex. Except for with my husband of course.
spent the night was too tired to get up and did it just to pacify him. didnt want to hear all that fucking wining like a bitch, what kind of godly man wants you to desert your first love and sin instead crazy. Since I met him havent been going to church as much, got to get back to where I was. He claims he wants to marry me but in truth I dont want to marry again. I am not healed nor do I have closure. John and I are suppose to be reconciling according to him, that is. If he� were aware of how I am hiding my true thoughts he would probably shc.
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23
Jun 2012
5:14 PM CST
   

my mind is going half crazy

Not sure where to start, John and I have spent quality time together. Thought things were going well in a good direction and then wham. We recently went to a hotel to get away, it was wonderful, he fucked the shit out of me. wonderful and bout freakin time, needed something different from the monotonous routine. I actually opened up not only sexually but on an emotional level. The day before father's day he came over drunk but I didnt trip. He snored most of the night so I got up and went to my favorite place the couch of course. Was a bit restless so I made him breakfast in bed he didnt eat much, however I think he appreciated the guesture. last time I saw him it was hard for me to see him leaving as always. he hugged me and said he wanted to work things out. Great one would think, we left the house and bumped into his sister who tried to fight me over some dumb shit. I have never liked his people's, simply tolerated them. Her interference has me questioning whether I want to remained connected to him.� God knows I love my husband, but all the crap and outside opinions are wearing me down. I cry when were together, I cry when were apart. I hate him and love him in the same breath. I recall how close we use to be, shit is so strained right now. Not sure what to do @ this point, I look @ other couples and think damn that should be us. I yearn for the times of old, when he would comfort me, hold me, assure all is well. Now I rarely see him or speak to him. What am I suppose to do, what Iam holding onto, after all he hasnt made any promises.�� Iam tempted often to pursue other relationships, that wouldnt be cheating would it. After all were not together, I say this but know I couldnt go through with it. Tony someone from my past tried to rekindle what we had but I couldnt do it. He claims hes changed doubt it. The sex between us was always� passionate/intense. NO complaints in that area, its just that he isnt my husband! Dont want to be with him thinking about john....that would be messed up. I have needs that are beyond of the scope of sex or fucking, so I cant be with tony. As far as me being with someone else I am not ready emotionally. I would like to be able to but am scared of letting go of the one person who claims to love� me no matter what. I am all fucked up in the head. I need answers like yesterday!� Most nights I toss and turn conjuring up thoughts of us in a happier state, or simply wishing I knew� how to articulate my most hidden thought/desires to him. Perhaps one day, but for now I will continue to struggle through this.

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18
May 2012
6:22 AM CST
   

im on one

most days I dont want to wake up, and deal with the bullsihit that will enuse. My kids dont respect me, my husband is absent and my job is getting on my one good nerve. For real I need an outlet for all the stuff that is going on. Dj doesnt want to go to education and smokes weed damn near all day. I dont get him, and Isaiah needs to� be gone. I just tolerate him. My life is out of control and no one gives a� fuck until i do somethng drastic. Tried to talk to the pastor but she is busy with her own life understandably so. Cant talk to john, he doesnt get me, and most of the time he is checked out. He believes Iam either stupid or naiive neither is the case. He constantly ask me about other men if there are any, but when I ask him pointed questions he hesitates or attempts to avoid the question. He is lying and I know it, he asserts that he isnt wearing his ring because� I dont wear one. yeah ok. but I have never worn one so that doesnt fly with me. It's never his fault that he hit me, cause according to him it wasnt that serious. Its not his fault that I had to get an order of protection either, its me and my kids fault that he is abusive all according to him. what the fuck did he think was going to happen? I see him at this point just someone stave off the� boredom. yeah we talk and fuck maybe once a week but thats about it. Nothing of substance� transpire btwn us, I mean nothing gets resolved, there is no plan for his returning home. Truthfully I dont believe he wants to be here, because then he would have to man up and be accountable. He enjoys running the streets, being irresponsible and broke. He isnt dependable at all. Iam reconsidering this situation this isnt a marriage its a situation.

�I am not saying he is totally at fault however at this stage Iam weighing my options. I see things and people I may possibly want to pursue. But first I have to deal with this. There are men out there who not only consider me beautiful and would love to take care of me and my kids. I have met such men. when I explain that Iam married but living single, they� want to know why I put up with this shit.
Not sure why I continue this charade. I need something he possibly cant give me after all he never has... I am tired now, what have I done in these past two years? Feel like I've wasted my time, my mom says often forget that nigga go on with your life. Perhaps she is right.

hmmm what am I doing ? what have I accomplished with him, nothing not a damn fucking thing. The sex is wack sometimes� I just fake it to please him. Wont be doing that anymore
� same ol' same ol', he says its because I dont want to try anything different. I do have hangups about sex but that aint it. Sexually I am not feeling him and havent in a long time. Whoever he is fucking� I hope she is happy cause he dont do much for me in the bedroom.
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27
Dec 2011
2:53 PM CST
   

I dont care anymore

4 real I dont care anymore, I just want it to be over. Iam tired of living a damn lie. I have tried to accomodate him but it just doesnt work. the more I give the more he wants. He is a leach, his sister called me on xmas eve. that was her dumb ass mistake! I am confident he wants to do everything in his will to stay connected me, however I cant stay connected to him. The relationship/marriage is poisoned and toxic because of his drinking, smoking weed and outright paranoia. As was told to me he does have a lot of issues,�Iam not negating my�own. But damn I cant fuck with him, he has brought me to an all time low. It is too much for me to deal with, my son's cant stand the air he breathes. There's a song that is appropriate for this moment Since you been gone".

Last night when I came home reign was there, I am not in the mood to baby sit which is the reason I stop having kids. Now he is here @the y with us and dj thinks he's going to sack me with him. Not happening. this time� is for me to relax. I did not agree to watch him.

over the weekend I spoke to my father about john, he gave some good advice. I spoke to john this afternoon, he was beligerent as usual. Y is it that he cant figure� out that women dont like to be treated like shit. He walked of his job, without regard for us. I think he is trying to get me evicted by not man-ning up. Anytime he getsf a piece of money he does a disappearing act. Y� keep coming back when he's broke and hungry. Iam not his momma. that seems to be what he is looking for. I can not raise a 35 year old man. He had the fucking audacity to say he was going to bring his son to MY HOME. JOHN didnt bring a fucking piece of bread in the house. When there wasnt anything to eat in the house he told me verbatim "fuck you and your kids". So y would he expect me to feed his son, whom I dont care for. Plus he isnt my responsibility, john doesnt watch my kids even when he is in the same house with mine. y should I do him any favors, he was a dead beat prior to meeting me. He told me my son has an Oedipis complex. How can a� man who has never had a stable relationship with his own quantify mine as inappropriate.


Maybe one day love will come in the form of the opposite sex, for now I will love my self. Of course I will be selfish, I should take care of myself. I am getting older,yet I dont with certainty what brings me happiness. what I do know is that contentment comes from with in. hmmmm hopefully, when I return home it will be my home! perhaps his father will help him get his shit. I cant forward with him, he is a leach a drawback. Anytime I try to go forward he draws me back with his negativity, doubts,insecurities, just bullshit. He's afraid to do anything different so we both should remain stagnate.

Today is the day I take control of my life, no excuses, no placing blame. Its all bout me, well according to him it has always been about me lol1

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11
Aug 2010
7:21 AM EDT
   

Omg

�First we� went to church briefly, then to a� gathering his sister hosted it was nice. But his brother kept scrutinizing me not sure why. He staring made me ansy though I started to ask wtf is your problem! ....� later that eveining he got drunk and urinated in the closet thinking he was in the restroom. I was mad as hell, I thought to give him the ax immediatley .
�He inquired why I say Iam unworthy and when I told him he� informed he already knew. He baited me into confirming his suspcions about my my former life. Every has a past I chose not to disclose mine. If I� could have have kept it hidden for eternity I would have.� He tells me I could talk to him about anything, this is a blatant lie. His face was contorted with anger and hurt, there is some tension btwn us. Were working through it though, this is the first time I didnt run for the damn door literally. Im amazed that he still ove me, he is� so wonderful@ times that is lol.

rite now Iam exhausted mentally as well as physically. Iam supposed to do everything and be�everyone.
For once Iam� going to do me fuck everyone else I cant keep taking care of other people needs and neglecting my own. Im bout to break down I cant take much more of the bullshit. Not sleeping enough, not eating have been late to work a couple time this week. My check disappeared, my house is nasty. Antoinette claimed she was going clean the kitchen, of course she didnt follow through. She was here for a couple days and am glad she left. She's loud ghetto and rude,trouble pursues her. Not sure what is going on over there with jr but it aint my fucking problem I want none of that. Guess she believe giving me twenty dollars was doing something.� Dont know what is preventing her from getting a damn job or social service.

2 comment(s) - 10:26 AM - 08/13/2010
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04
Aug 2010
4:08 AM EDT
   

what now


As of lately we have been getting into more disagreements.... guess the honeymoon period is over! I dont understand him, I feel that he is tryng to�make me over as well as the root of his insecurities. Not gonna happen though, I got my own shit that I am dealing with. For the most part things are decent btwn us, cant believe I lasted this long, however there are those moments when I question what have I gotten myself into. Missing my freedom, the ability to do me, whenever however. According to felicia this is part of being in relationship. I didnt need her to tell me this, it is a shock to my insouciant nature and brain! I wonder am I going to feel in years days to come like I� cant breathe. Iam referring to the feeling I had with Ivan and Eli. I dont have a� problem per se with fidelity, its the clingyness that sends me into brazen rebellion. In some instances I like being alone,�doing things� by myself.

D jwas hovering over me� and getting on my fucking nerves!
He just asked me what was wrong but he� dont really� want to know the inner workings of� brain. I was thinking about whitman and what could have been. I never got a� concrete answer as to why he left me with massive�contusions to my heart. I feel foolish for believing most of what he said. By now we should have been married. Oh well. Wondering if he� thinks of me, of the life we� planned together. I know its not my fault that he turned out to be a liar and a� thief. Somehow I knew the last time I saw him would be the last time. Well at least now I dont have to confront his drunken assults on me. Iam angry with Whitman! I could email him but I dont want� to ..... Cant go back there!


What bothers me about john is� that he thinks being carefree is the equivalent of not giving a fuck, guess he is taking a nap rite now. Iam never totally truthful with him about what Iam thinking or what is going on with me. Which makes me feel as though Iam leading a double life. I have these thoughts/ emotions I keep to myself or share with felicia. He can be very judgemental. I know he loves me but I still ponder what if........ Some needs he just cant fulfill. Iam miserable rite now, Iam not living my best life, hate my surroundings, Iam pretty much alone, just me and my thoughts. Communication is supposedly the key, but cant talk to him. He already said on many occasions he doesnt� get me, so why waste my breath? I have a sense of guilt for wanting my space, its difficult for me to gather my thoughts in the midst of so much kaos.
When I have told my family that Iam getting married their response is arid, its like� trying to slice into� a potatoe� with an unsharpened knife, very dull. For sure I need someone who is motivated and motivating. I like 2� accomplishing things. Rarely do I bullshit or procrastinate, unless of course if the task is daunting or I have some fear attached to it. Cant focus so much on him, have to do what I have to do for me and mine, whether its working six days a week or working three fucking jobs.
looking into doing some others things to generate some cash flow, not telling anyone about my plans dont need no hinderances or negativity. I� believe our roles have been reversed Iam the man steering the relationship, setting milestones for our future. Have to live in the moment one day @ a time minute by minute, whatever it takes to see my dreams come into fruition. Not making� any excuses, Iam gonna live a full enriching life, and nothing or anyone is going to stop me! Not gonna wait til tomorrow or next year, I have my plans made and am working my plan.
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14
Jul 2010
4:20 AM EDT
   

i dont know anymore

yesterday was a bad at work i was written up, and I told the supervisor how i really feel about working there. I feel kind of stuck cant comprehend why I cant get promoted there not sure what the problem is I do not like her and her ghetto ass self. The job isnt difficult but dealing with her on a daily basis isnt the most pleasant expierence. I stay to myself most of the time,cause I dont fit in nothing new. Anyway john and I had a talk abut about my needs not being met, sure he was offended. Oh well it was either� tell him the truth, or do what I do best, which is ax him. I love him but I love myself more, cant be unfufilled and be happy. I think the problem is resolved. His jealousy or whatever one would call it is like nails on a chalkboard. Iam a free spirit, I enjoy my space. Just wonder is love enough.....He gives me plenty of attention there is no lack. But sometimes I feel he isnt ambitious enough or motivated enough. I need him to lead this thang take charge, maybe that is a role he isnt familiar with idk. I dont want to be with someone I have to constantly pump and prime. I feel that as a man there are somethings one should do without having to be asked.� Although my ex husband was horrible to me, I never went without! He did anything and everything with in his means to help me. Even if it meant breaking the law he held it down for his family. Ivan's drive is an example of� the kind of man I desire.
Often times I find myself holding back on many levels... not good I� know.
�He asked me was I reminiscing the past. The obvious answer was� no�which was a lie. No man wants to hear that his woman is thinking about another man in any context. When I consider my former life, its like wow� that was me? Cant believe sometimes I am monogamus. For the first time� I dont have a back up plan. I left tony alone at the beginning of this year. We were casual fuck partners for many years, but i began to feel� that I need more than what he could offer.
Also gave jammie the boot he dick was huge, but his pockets were thin. That is one cheap ass brotha! He wanted� a woman to take care of him� his mother� fucked him up for life! I miss the times when he would call me just to� come over and hold him. I like men who can let there guard down. John� is cool he holds me, gives me attention when I need it but I always wonder whether he is doing it out of a sense of obligation or love for me. I have a hard time talking to him because he is a� bit sensitive, and takes every word I say personally!

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21
Jun 2010
12:34 PM EDT
   

ungrateful ass kids

I dont own anyone shit not xavier who is a lazy slouch and dj who feels I owe him something. I dont have to do the things I do, I choose to but that shit is�coming to an abrupt halt rite now.On the real Iam tired of taking care of her and her whiny ass baby whom she neglects daily, she attemps to dump him on anyone who is available. Iam bout� about to� transition, and I dont want her to be apart of the process. So what she aint getting along with her boyfriend and has no where to go.Not my problem,not my shit. She doesnt want to get on welfare cause she wrongly assumes that I want to take advantage of her. She has got to fucking go, what is she�doing for me? But running up my rg&e bill eating up everything in site, begging like a panhandler and� irking my fucking damn nerves. None of�the�children want her here, they wish as I do that she would disappear into thin air.

on to a better topic, "we" are getting along great. Yesterday after church we went to his family gathering of course nate� was there. I did feel a little uncomfortable.... Not that I care what others think cuz I dont give a damn. I just wondered whether it disturbed him, he said no so thats the end of that. I got the impression that his family could see that he is happy. Dj and xe enjoyed themeselves, of course dj ate to capacity!lol Good news today the� end is near(divorce) should hear something by thursday.Cant wait til its finally over, the end of a thing is better than its beginning.

I enjoy him alot lot lot lot. So much in common. Ready to start our lives together we have many plans for the future. First order of business for me is to find different living quarters. were currently cohabitating, space is scarce as well as cramped. We need a room with a lock on the door, so we can make it do what it do.

He is a passionate lover,however I will put him to bed. Abstaining�from sex is getting easier, keeping him occupied works most of the time.
1 comment(s) - 01:04 PM - 07/12/2010
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08
Jun 2010
4:59 AM EDT
   

Last nite I cried....

We have been spending alot of� time together, last nite I went and picked up john after I got off from work, our feet were tired and burning from standing so long. I wanted to show him rather than tell�him that I love him deeply. so with dj's help I set� the bathroom with candles, music and bubbles made sure his�towel was ready�for him.� He was so suprised! I think he may have wanted me to join him, but I� wanted�the moment�to about�him as well as for�him so I declined the invitation. When he� finished soaking��the room appeared tidy (I pulled an�xe move and shoved everything under the bed)�lol :). This is when he informed with tears in his�eyes that this was the most thoughtfu, sensual thing someone has ever done for him. Which shocked me, I did as he requested and held him until I fell asleep. It was beautiful!
Earlier the same day we took a shower together it was nice. I see he likes living on the edge,� we did the damn thang, while my daughter was on the computer. Hmmm it was so fucking good! l�� lets see that was monday, on� sunday he let�� his guard down a bit when we were intimate, he sucked my toes as well as some other orifices. We� cant get enough of each other,in a couple of weeks our lives will be� in unison. He loves me, with all my character defects which are many. when its time for him to go to work often times he becomes a bit disgruntled. He doesnt like to be away from the kids and I, which is understandble.
We were playing a word game one would start the sentence and the other would have to finish it. Well durning one of the rounds he informed me that his estranged wife knew about us. Iam confident, that his brother took it upon himself to disclose �our damn business. Not that I have anything to hide, but I wanted to keep our situation on the low til his divorce was final. Although things didnt go as plan they did� work out fo the best!. Now that� everyone� is cognizant of our relationship, I feel� a weight has been lifted. No more� secrecy! Hey it is what it is! He� has told me several times he doesnt give a damn or fuck what others think about us being together including his mother.
Oh yeah I helped file for divorce, I got the diy divorce packet, showed him how to fill it out, took him to the county clerk's office to file the�� paper work..... I saw his face illuminate , his feet seem to be made of springs. He was so energized, I love to see him like this versus him walking with his down.
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01
Jun 2010
2:52 PM EDT
   

Today is a new day

But the same shit, paying bills being stressed out not enough money or enough time do do most of the things that i would like to do. why does she keep calling me, cant she see Iam busy? Talking bout xavier of course, my house is a wreck and I have company. i am notsure when I just didnt give� a damn but I dont really care anymore how this how looks. Got alot of shit on my mind, rite now. some of it aint even my trouble yet iam troubled. have to go to court for some tickets,failed my roadtest a week ago.
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27
Apr 2010
12:25 PM EDT
   

I cant take this shit anymore

I have carried her as far as possibly can, Iam done, for real no more sleeping all fucking day that and the back and forth with my younger children. Its too much Iam about to crack I just cant take care her and her fucking baby. People keep saying she is my child hmm but damn when does she stop being a child and handle her shit?

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31
Mar 2010
1:26 PM EDT
   

Computer Love

Again I met� someone online his name is Victor mmm is so good to me. He so wonderful, patient not perfect now he got some shit with him. nothing that I cant handle. What I enjoy about him is� his ability to make me smile, It's weird he left� and I was thinking about him, then he called me. He helped me clean the house,actually he and zay did most of the work.

whitman claims he will be here tomorrow but if were forced to be truthufl I dont really want to see him

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20
Aug 2009
6:05 AM EDT
   

No sabotage

Today is thursday not much going on after all it is still early. I spent the latter portion of yesterday with J of course it was ok.� Omg it was better than ok! Something is transpiring btwn us that I cannot adequatley define. Of course I have been sexually attracted to� a number of men, so Im aware that this isnt the case with him. Not that I aint feelin him lik this. But its something deeper, than just desiring to sex him. I want him, want to be consumed by him. Yesterday while laying on the couch at his daughter house, he feel asleep. This gave me the opportunity to get a real good look at him. He appeared so relax, his defenses were down couldnt �resist had to rub his chest!.

I am going to do this right this time. no sabotage. Kind of like the trust game I enjoying playing with him: he holds my hands firmly as� close my eyes and let my self go. That is what Im going to do allow myself to fall (in love)and pray he is there� to support me. I'd like� 2 experience things with J that� I normally would make a speedy exodus from. I got to thank Greg for giving me sound advice. He suggested I tell whomever I dating upfront about�my intent�2�sabotage potentially healthy relationships.

The first few times we kissed were guarded, neither one of us were going to come out of hiding. They were safe, pecks no fire works, going off. Now when we lock lips my pulse beat fasters, my head spins, I become dizzy, as well as childlike. I smile,�giggle like a teenager with a crush. Prior to him walking home we did our usual routine: kissed each other goodbye. It ws so passionate I had to grab the porch rail to steady myself.

Often times I crave closeness,just� want him in my space..

I was supposed to meet him halfway, but of course Iam bad @ directions,we missed each other. However when I finally arrived home he was on the porch chatting with Isaiah.� Because J wasLooking like mekhi pheiffer�Fresh haircut, smelling so good, wearing his arrogance wears like a badge of honor, . I found it difficult to remain angry��@� him� for the wild goose chase he sent me on.

���once� he made a jokeabout it being our one week anniversary and� having cupcakes to celebrate. I suprised him with a cupcake and one candle for the one week we've been together. he was chatting with someone so when he turned around� he eyes lit up, and a� childlike grin spread across his face.

Every� since we've met we have been "inseperable" to quote him. Dont want to smother him, I get it that men need space. This doesnt prevent� the aching,� longing,whirling sensation from overtaking me.

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15
Aug 2009
2:54 PM EDT
   

hmmm ijdu

I just dont understand I went to church last night, the prophet was there and he told me somethings I could concur with. However some things he spoke left me mystifed, like the fact that he stated my husband is tall and muscular. He stated I met him b4. Im not seriously dating anyone presently. Just trying take care of self, relationship are alot of work! Met someone Wednesday, he seems ok. Hi name is J. I can tell he has been hurt/used in the past. J is very guarded as well as I, the difference is he believes every woman will hurt him specifically me. I only reciprocate how I'd like to be treated; with kindness as well as respect. He tells me many things like a woman he dealt with in the past approached him. I dont mind really, because we arent committed to one another. Secondly if he is feeling me like he states then why� would he venture into�perilous territories. J is so fragmented, cautious, in addition to being cute. He is easily upset, not prepared to fall in love with anyone right now. It takes time to get to know someone, not sure if I want to get aquainted with anyone presently.

Eliis called me spoke to him briefly, trying to weazel himself back into my good graces. Not going down,� recovering from his bullshit nicely I must say! He isnt serious about me. Not a problem!� keep it moving is what I intend on doing. Not gonna settle for less than what I deserve. No clue as to what he's been doing, dont really care to be honest. He would prefer I stayed home, learning the techniques of crocheting, needle point or some other dull hobby!� He wants me all to himself, yet does not have a clue as to hold my attention.

Kind of enjoying my singleness, J's motives are clear he wants me! I put it out there for him to� mull over. (The no compromising clause I have for my admirers. ) Told him its ok if he� has sex with someone else. After all how would I know, secondly Iam not his woman! Since� Wednesday he has called me, stopped by made me laugh hugged me. Having a great time, so far......

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12
Aug 2009
4:55 AM EDT
   

Looking back

I disobeyed the prophet who told me not to look back and read some of the i.m. "he" sent some months ago. No purpose for doing so, there isnt anything there that would've have� allowed me to detect� or predict his many deceptions. Damn I feel like such a freaking fool. How did I get myself into that mess. Or why did I allow my emotions to take me for a roller coaster ride? Still unanswered questions linger... why? Why?

Iam totally single now... with reason of course. One of my fears is being alone, which Iam conquering� methodically and slowly. There are times when I question whether I want� continue living this way, the answer is of course not!� However I need to� do me . Whomever I marry (if I ever do) I want to prove to be an asset versus dead weight. I dont honestly know with surety if I ever will remarry, but for now friendships will suffice. I need to re establish a relationship with self, love me unconditionally first.

I awoke early this morn, while� the children were resting.� I�finished reading this book called tortured for christ.� I cannot grasp why someone would voluntarily� consent to martyrdom. Dont get it twisted I love christ as well, however not to this extent. Pray for me, cause I would not under any circumstance submit to being abused. The crucifixon was enough for me christ paid it all. I consider� his death the ultimate�cost �for my sin. So why should I suffer needlessly when he already paid the price.

I sincerely belive that there are better ways to serve god than being beating, kicked spat on� imprisoned and the like. Never before have I appreciated the freedom of living in the west as I do now. I am not limited to� speak because of my gender or ethnicity.

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12
Aug 2009
3:26 AM EDT
   

Fear

How did i forget to mention that yesterday zay pissed me off, by sneaking someone into our home. I feel this was disrespectful as well as tacky on her part. If her baby daddy is so into her, then why cant he take her to a hotel. Or how about providing for them a place to live? It is evident to him that I dont care for him, his motive is so transparent to me? Does she refuse to see his agenda, or is blinded by her own selfish desires.

Wow I didnt mean to put bullets here but oh well, its a couple hours away from "venting time". I have been thinking about the "bishop". Mundane things like what is his favorite past time. What is he like outside of church, does he possess a personality? Or is he stiff like a starched shirt. I have his number but I havent called him since we spoke earlier this week. My reasoning for doing so is that if he� is into me then it will be him pursuing me and not vice versa. Iam not thirsty nor am I desperate. Not looking for anything other than friendly conversation@ this point. Relationships take a toll on me,they keep my mind churning with what ifs. I need to take some time out for me, I have been neglecting me for so long that I dont know how to take care of me. I actually feel guilty if or when I do something for myself. I dont eat properly, children hovering over me when I do manage to get a� bite of food turns me off.�Have �not sleep well, I have� alot of stuff on my mind these days. Such as school and conquering many fears.

I recongize my need to control is derived from fear, fear of the unknown, change...... I have to make some changes as suggested to me.

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11
Aug 2009
2:33 PM EDT
   

To the left. To the left!

Ellis called me just now, why Iam unsure. We have nothing� to discuss or share. I prefer not to be in his company. I conveyed how I felt about him neglecting me, of course he was nonchalant. It's whatever, NEXT! I� have moved on...� the him I used to refer to is calling me from a state facility, with many apolgogies. He also wrote me a letter. However Iam not interested. Considering the torment he put me through I� have nothing left to say to him. For some time I was� bruised as well as wounded due to his speedy exodus. I forgave him, yet I wonder why I cry privately. He claims to want to reconcile, however I doubt it is feasible. I dont trust him and in the crevices of my mind� hestitation still� exist.

I've given him to much air time, I had left my home for 2 months, stayed with my mom briefly due to some stressful situations. I met someone� during this time other than Ellis, he appears harmless. Dont know much about him other than he is a Bishop also single parent. Seems ok, not really looking forward to a relationship with him or anyone @ this point. I need a hiatus right now, dont mind friendship but anything beyond this� will bring on issues. I have to be forthright with myself he is handsome, militant and an ok kisser lol.

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19
Jan 2009
6:53 AM EDT
   

Rolling with the punches

not much is happening this morning, didnt sleep well x.e. had her legs and arms all over me. I still feel tired and dj is up to his normal shit nothing. always off task. thinking of him, missing "him" his bday is tomorrow.Want him bad, am feeling nervous. Alot of what ifs are playing in my mind. Iam trying to maintain a positve attitude about this situation. Counting down the days til we are together and Iam were I want to be, which is with him in his arms, kissing him touching him and putting this fire on him lol. Iam ready,� now I have somethings to work on like my temper which is off the chart. I need to work on effectivley communicating without getting stank and cursing like a damn fool. Hope Iam not addicted to raging as phylicia eluded to. Iam scared, nervous and excited.! I kind of feel as if I only have one shot to get this right. I have to put my trust in a source that is greater than I on this one. I have prayed and find great solace in doing so. Prayer calms me down and quiets the voices in my head! I aint crazy or nothing but I have a lot of negative thoughts @times. I dont know what to expect, this is different for me I usually can predict the outcome.� He says he has a suprise for me tried to weasel it out of him didnt work.

Talk to my ex husband� this morning and realized how much he is the same. I feel sorry for him. I wanted to talk to him about Isaiah but didnt. Because�the outcome wont change. He will burn in hell�b4 he admits the truth. I guess he thinks he is hurting me. Not so. he is just making an ass of himself and when david grows up and finds out..... I feel sorry for Ivan. David is a great kid, with a ever growing brilliant mind! He'll be doing like Shaq's father, but its going to be to late. He claims to still love me, but�how can this be true when he doesnt love his only child. It hurts me when he talks about how well he is doing and the things he's doing with other people but doesnt have time to allocate to his only child.�There is no place for david in his life, but hey a sista cant stay here. He is our past I refuse 2 live in the past, he is who is and Iam powerless� over this shit. Gotta keep it movin, roll with the punches.

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