Nodeadenz

Aug 2012
7:57 PM CDT

Never saw this coming

Since my last entry my life has taken many turns, mostly for the worst. On the dont know why he chose to hurt me especially when he claimed to love me. What did I do wrong, was it trusting him, thought that was the very foundation of building a relationship. I believed him partly that is... told my husband what happens of� course he blame for being @ his home alone in his bed. I believe no means just that. I am angry he initially didn't believe me, for this I delayed calling the police and making a report. John want me to relive this shit every day! I am not interested in sex and of course he cant understand or care why. All�� I hear is about his needs, how wrong I was to think he cared beyond the physical. He constantly comments or tries to� elicit a response /reaction from me. Truly it is draining, to have to constantly be victimized by husband, who wont allow me to heal. He would like me to give him a play by play in regards to what happened. I wish this was a nightmare or a lie. Because at any moment I could get back to living! Denial� has set in I keep saying this isn't happening to me again. If I were ugly than sin I question whether I would be believed. yet because I am��assertive,confident intelligent: people believe I can not only see a rapist coming I can also prevent a rape from occurring. Men and women think differently about the matter. I have been told numerous times that I am at fault because I am married and "sending mixed signals". yes initially� I thought he was alright with a few quirks, no read flags minus the comment about it always being this way when he dated women. How� sexually assaulting someone your dating and consider this the norm.
I saw him today, was no way to avoid him the bus was crowded in addition to my brain with thoughts of rapping my uhaul lock upside his head. He was�� blocking my exit way, when I pushed him partly with my purse and body. He followed me off the bus trying to explain his stance. my anger became explosive screaming, belligerent desperately trying to gain understanding of� simply Y.
Y he chose me Y he hurt me Y he betrayed my trust also Y did he keep inquiring about my husband. He told me we can work things out, which made me laugh. How can I over come this, its criminal also depraved. I have yet to meet a woman who wanted to be raped! Stupid me for trying to move on forget about john, trusting a con wanting to confide/cherish someone who isn't worthy.

The day before this, john called me a prostitute/whore for this is when the rubber met the road we were done! I�told me him so prior to this he was pissed but I could not go on pretending all was well. I told him I was getting out not that I wanted out.After this he called pastor stating he wanted to reconcile. Were working on it however some days are quite difficult. Just maintaining� my own authenticity is a chore, this anger is often suppressed with apathy. I pretend to be unaffected to cover what it is that I really feel. Which is pure rage, if john knew he� would probably abandon me as he so frequently does. If I don't address this issue soon I will explode!��

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Username: NoDeadenz

Gender / Age: Male, 21

Location: USA - New York

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