Dec 2012
5:55 AM EDT

let me love you

To whom� this concerns:
�how many times have I said I am apologetic for breaking your heart? You wont let me live it down.� I will pray that god reveals to me how remedy the pain I have caused you.
�I am thankful you understand why I did what I did. It was never my intent to hurt you. Now Iam hurting too,I wonder if you think of me as tainted. My husband throws it in my face that I was raped, of course he blames me. I am forever altered, guess you kind of figured.... You just sitting next to me made me stiff up. Its not so much that Im rejecting you. I am fearful as well as cautious more so than before. Even when you hugged me prior to your exiting I know you felt how rigid I was.

Sorry� for the tears, hope you dont consider me a weakling. Thank you for always being a listening ear, although some times I dont want to hear your thoughts. I m not sure whether its god or happenstance but everytime I am on the brink of no return you show up... For the first time in a long while do I feel that I matter, that I am beautfuil also deserving of recriprocal love. Of course anyone who is willing to listen is aware of how you feel about me. You would shout it from the roof top if you havent already. LOL:)��
I have smiled when I wanted to cry, pretend,�when I wanted to� scream let me out of this hell! For so long I have been freaking miserable, not just in personal relationships but unhappy with the idea that I am stuck. Stuck in� depression, stuck in a marriage that should have never happened. Stuck with someone who is jealous of my children, stuck with my own warped thoughts. My list of things I believe Im� handcuffed to are endless.

For my kids I must make some drastic changes, I no longer want them to see me like this. Nor do am I going to be a victim of circumstances, scared but ready for change. Not refering to a man but a better relationship with self and God. John can never love me Iike I need to be loved, he does not love� himself. Cause if he did he would do better!�

I cant focus my attention on him rite now� I got to� take care of me. Iam vunerable� presently. hope you dont take advantage of this. Not to say that you ever had. just dont please!� I Love you�with agape love.
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