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I looking, but i can't see,

you seem like a different side of me,

that's been locked away so deep.

I can't believe that it's real.

You're close i can feel you,

as you hold my hand,

and hug me warm.

so where are you now?

And where have you gone?

How could you possibly say,

that I'll be ok?

How do you know,

Just how this feels?

How could you possibly explain,

what seems so unreal?

I shed these tears,

Locked up inside my room,

dreaming of you,

missing you,

loving you,

won't hurt me the worst.

He put his hands on me.

and he hurt me.

I love you.

now don't get that confused.

so where are you now?

And where have you gone?

How could you possibly say,

that I'll be ok?

How do you know,

Just how this feels?

How could you possibly explain,

what seems so unreal?

I love you,

yes im miss murder in the second degree,

premditated and everything.

I love you.

How did I let this happen to us?

so where are you now?

And where have you gone?

How could you possibly say,

that I'll be ok?

How do you know,

Just how this feels?

How could you possibly explain,

what seems so unreal?

Soooo This is my first entry on here, I have kept a notebook journal for a little while now writting in it every once in a while but not as much as I should, so as one of my new years resoloution I desided to try to write in a journal every day or every other day so we will see how this goes... I have a bad habit of just writting when I am upset or mad so alot of my entries will probably be negitive and what not so... I have alot of issues I would like to get taken care of this year I would like to bring out a new me so I think this will help me alot...

�The reason I have desided to try an online journal is cause I have alot of nosey people in my house and theres no such thing as privacy here so I am really hoping this will help...

�Well on that note to those of you who have read this thanks you for your time and I hope to spike your intrest sooner or later...

�������������������������������������� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � �� *Ducez*

I must get my mind right and focus on�something other than him. this kids are doing what they do best especially daniel! He is getting on my fucking nerves and Isaiah should be getting ready for his apt with jenny. I need to get daniel back on his meds for real, cause there are times like now that I want to break his damn neck. Tomorrow I have anger management, and bet she will be diggin in my biz. Her life must be really dull compared to mine, havent attempted to complete the home she gave out. Will get @ it later much later! I recognize where all my feelings of bitterness derive. dont need her to tell me this, all I need is direction on how to act out my anger without causing any more harm to myself or others. After a conversation with "him" about� what took place in my childhood I was restless. As well as afraid, I regressed and became that child again. I feared that "mattie" would hear me reveal what she had done and retaliate. I was physically ill and shaken just by speaking about the incident. I had to repeatedly tell myself that� "Iam safe and Iam not that child anymore. " I pulled the covers over my head as if shielding myself from the harm she caused me. This is crazy, I admit, but hey whatever gets me through the night.

Feeling like hmm idk, cant describe it so many emotions going on right now. I feel sad, hopeless, ugly. scared�depressed.... and alot of anxiety. I want what I want when I want and presently I want "him" The distance is becoming a fucking headache, I need to feel him, to hear "him" breathe see his facial expressions. Something has to give, cant do this much longer I wont. I cant sleep @� night . Most nights I cry�or toss and turn myself to sleep. When I conjured thoughts of my ideal he is it but our current situation is all jacked up. How can I say to him with out appearing all clingy that I need you now! "Right now, I need� you to be here with me, I feel� fragmented, incomplete." I wish I had the courage to say this to him and much more like "please be faithful and committed only to me". Im getting choked up right now, thinking of how much I miss "him," trying to stay strong and not break down Iam on the edge of tears. Why did I do this to myself? I did say never again.... but look @ me now. Am I a fool for allowing myself to love this hard this deep.... for craving him like I do with every fiber of my being!

This year being new ,I want to make sure that I find a way to make myself a newer me ...this year hasnt started off really great . I couldn't work cause I had a bad backache plus a cold so I called into work so that makes it the second time only since i had to call in sick to work . Its okay I hope my co-worker shows up to work so I dont have to have too much frieght to come back to work when I return . you see I work overnight stocker for a supercenter Wal-Mart so there is usually a heck of alot of work to get done . I find it funny that when I'm working how many people come into the job to do their shopping ... I'm a people watcher and a daydreamer .. so watching and listening to people that pass me by ... I try to figure out things .. like why they are out and the relationship between the people ..It's weird how many people show up in the middle of the night... or really early in the morning. All of this makes my job go by faster in a way .... lets see after midnight I notice is when the persons of alternative lifestyle comes in to do some shopping .. and the really overweight people ... I don't know whether I like that idea. That you would feel more safer shopping in the middle of the night just because you are overweight .. they usually rolling around in the electric chair instead of walking .. for a little exercise .. but hey thats their choice. I'm just thinking outloud .. but hey I hate being in the store when its busy cause you can have a heart-attack , trying to get someone to move out of your way for just a moment. some people take it as a personal attack if you ask them just to move out of the way so you can get by.. I wonder how bad their lives maybe be that they have to take everything to heart ...I guess if you work in retail you understand my rant.. but then to flip the coin.. their are those people that can give you a laugh when you talk to them .And those make it great for a few minutes .. I guess my biggest pet peeve are the customers that dont care� about your feelings and take out their bad days on you .. and rant and rave and give you a hard time because something they wanted to buy isnt on the shelf even if its not in your department .....

January 12, 2009

Hope everyone is recovered from the Holidays.� I had a great time while I was visiting everyone at home but I certainly was happy to get back to my not so glamorous life and not be over eating and over drinking every day.� All in all thought it was great vacation and I am grateful for everyone I got to spend time with.

So as many of you may know on January 05, 2009 I started my new job with Fitz Motorsports.� My position with the company is on well defined but right now I am acting as the human resource department processing all the paper work for the new 2009 team they are putting together.� I am also helping the travel arrangement for the up coming season.� However, everyday there is a new challenge that has to be dealt with and I find my role with the company expanding!� I like it though.� Never really sure what the day is going to bring and it certainly is a great learning experience for me.� I have found all of my coworkers to be really great.� The core group of office/mgt staff all get a long really well!� The coworker I have most contact with is Liz.� She is just fabulous and we get along great.� If you thought I was high energy…wait until you meet her!� On our first day they said Liz and I would be sharing an office.� It seemed a little odd as we have so many open offices.� However when I saw the office we were getting….I had not problems sharing.� It is a huge office located right at the front of the building.� 3 sides of the office is complete windows.� We have a great view and it is totally cool space.� The only down side is I have to make sure that no one is entering the building when I decide to pick the food out of my teeth after lunch.� Other than that this is the best office space I’ve ever occupied. ��

I really need time to explore my feelings with regard to the way things seem to be going with my Dad.

I've got two very separate stories going here. There is his: He's a grieving widower, trying to be a comfort to his stepchildren, and learning to face each day alone.

Then there is mine: I've been an outsider in his life, I've had to watch him raise�his�third wife's�daughter all the while knowing he wasn't there to raise me (even worse, my younger brother). I was alienated, on occasion, by his wife and he stood�by�her. I've held hope all�the while that someday�we'd be able to build a closer relationship, I never gave up.������ I KNOW my place: I totally sympathize with his loss and the loss of my step-sibs for the�mother. For them it is a very great loss - they are suffering and I respect that, and even feel their sadness. I also�grieve for a stepmom that had been good to me at times.

With that said, there is a glimmer of new hope for me. He said some very good things to me & Bear over our last visit.�He may be really understanding his daughter�is a VIP in his life and he should show her that he values that.

That should be a no-brainer but it hasn't ever been!�

I'm very optomistic, but cautious.�