not much is happening this morning, didnt sleep well x.e. had her legs and arms all over me. I still feel tired and dj is up to his normal shit nothing. always off task. thinking of him, missing "him" his bday is tomorrow.Want him bad, am feeling nervous. Alot of what ifs are playing in my mind. Iam trying to maintain a positve attitude about this situation. Counting down the days til we are together and Iam were I want to be, which is with him in his arms, kissing him touching him and putting this fire on him lol. Iam ready,� now I have somethings to work on like my temper which is off the chart. I need to work on effectivley communicating without getting stank and cursing like a damn fool. Hope Iam not addicted to raging as phylicia eluded to. Iam scared, nervous and excited.! I kind of feel as if I only have one shot to get this right. I have to put my trust in a source that is greater than I on this one. I have prayed and find great solace in doing so. Prayer calms me down and quiets the voices in my head! I aint crazy or nothing but I have a lot of negative thoughts @times. I dont know what to expect, this is different for me I usually can predict the outcome.� He says he has a suprise for me tried to weasel it out of him didnt work.
Talk to my ex husband� this morning and realized how much he is the same. I feel sorry for him. I wanted to talk to him about Isaiah but didnt. Because�the outcome wont change. He will burn in hell�b4 he admits the truth. I guess he thinks he is hurting me. Not so. he is just making an ass of himself and when david grows up and finds out..... I feel sorry for Ivan. David is a great kid, with a ever growing brilliant mind! He'll be doing like Shaq's father, but its going to be to late. He claims to still love me, but�how can this be true when he doesnt love his only child. It hurts me when he talks about how well he is doing and the things he's doing with other people but doesnt have time to allocate to his only child.�There is no place for david in his life, but hey a sista cant stay here. He is our past I refuse 2 live in the past, he is who is and Iam powerless� over this shit. Gotta keep it movin, roll with the punches.
Saturday morning started just like it usually does. The call came just as we were heading out the door for our walk.
Dan hadn't gotten far from our house when he drove his car blindly into the curb. The tire blew out, the rim was ruined and after Bear put the spare on we found that the damage was much worse - the spare was on right but it was crooked, oh crap! How much is this going to cost?!
As the story goes (as always) it wasn't his fault, the window was fogged up and the sun blinded him completely so when he made the left onto McDowell he just couldn't see where he was going and hit the turned out curb for the bus stop. Ok, now what?
He has to get to work, I go back home to borrow his brother's car so he can get going. He & Dad wait for the tow truck which will take his car to BigO. He heads off to work while we handle everything - as usual.
Long boring story cut short: BigO says it'll be $2500 to repair. The car isn't worth that much - not that he has it in the first place! Ok, now what? He has to have a car.
Dan & Dad went out on Sunday and got him another. It's very sharp. Hope he can make the payments...
Why am I writing about this? Because what occured to me is that as soon as�we took his call�about what happened, his problem became OUR problem! Why is that?�I/We don't know how to stand back and watch our�children suffer.�And - he isn't even a child, he's 21, he should be handling his own problems!
I keep writing (ranting) about what he should have done, what he should've known, then I backspace it out!�I'm not getting to what I'm really trying to get at here.
What are my feelings?
I'm mad, I'm resentful. He ruined my day, I didn't get to exercise and then I worried all day after that. The thought "what is he going to do?" kept buggin me.� All his recent screw-ups came flooding in to cloud up my thoughts and keep me from dealing with the here and now. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed with worries.�
1 - My dog�is dying.
2 -�My father is mourning.
3 - now this!!
As I look at it now it really doesn't seem like it should be overwhelming.�I've outlined�them�extremely short, each issue, on it's own, is very intense. Understand all the attachments to each one, there is too much!
I'm bummed, that's it.
However long the night, the dawn will break.
欣èµï¿½ 简 奥斯ä¸
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17 January 2009
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牛年真‘牛’
10 January , 2009
牛年转眼就到了,属牛的敦敦,长驱直上地进入长牛骨阶段。接近自己第一个本命年的å©å,情绪激昂,脾气跳动。
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IT ALL STARTED WITH TWO PEOPLE NAMED DEBRA E SIMMONS AND TIMOTHY V BECKWITH. DEBRA WAS 18 AND TIMOTHY WAS 19. THEY MET ON JULY 23 1982, WELL LETS SKIP ALL THE OTHER STUFF AND GET TO THE POINT LOL. AROUND THE YEAR OF 1986 DEBRA WAS GETTING READY TO GOT TO THE ARMY BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED. SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT SO SHE DIDNT DO WHAT SHE HAD PLANED AND ON SEPTEMBER 2 1986 THEY GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY BOY, THEY NAMED HIM TIMOTHY V BECKWITH JR. SO TIOMTHY GOT A JOB OUT ON THE RODE SO HE WAS NEVER HOME, DEBRA HAD TWO JOBS TO PAY THE BILLS AND SO SHE COULD RAISE HER BABY BOY. WELL ABOUT 3 YEARS LATER SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN. THIS TIME SHE GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY GIRL ON OCTOBER 2 1989. WELL DEBRA NAMED HER NATASHA. AND THAT BRING US TO ME. SINCE MY FATHER WAS NEVER AROUND TO HEPL HER RAISE US TWO KIDS SHE HAD TO GET THREE JOBS. SO THAT WAS PRETTY HARD ON HER. SO WE MOVED IN WITH HER MOTHER DIXIE MY GRANDMOTHER. WELL SHE TOOK CARE OF US WHILE SHE WAS WORKING. WELL MY FATHER CAME BACK AROUND FOR A LITTLE WHILE. THEY STARTED HAVE PROBLEMS SO THEY SEPARATED. MY FATHER MOVED TO CONROE AND I STAYED WITH MY MOTHER AND MY BROTHER WENT WITH MY FATHER. A FEW MONTHS LATER MY FATHER BRINGS MY BROTHER BACK. WELL WHEN I WAS 4 AND MY BROTHER JUST TURNED 8, MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY. SO WE MOVED TO CONROE TO LIVE WITH OUR GRANDMOTHER. MY FATHER STILL WASNT AROUND MUCH. SO MY GRANDMOTHER PRETTY MUCH RAISED US. MY FATHER GOT IN TO SOME BAD STUFF AFTER MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY SO HE WAS NEVER A GOOD FATHER. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHO MY FATHER WAS THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR US. MY BROTHER AND I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR EACH OTHER EVERY SINCE MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY. WE HAVE BECAME BEST FRIENDS. WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD MY FATHER GOT MARRIED TO A LADY HE MET WHILE HE WAS OUT ON THE RODE. HER NAME IS SHERI SHE WAS 27 AND SHE HAD A LITTLE GIRL NAMED BROOKE. WE THEN MOVED TO ALABAMA, WE LIVED THERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR. SHERI AND MY FATHER STARTED HAVEING THERE PROBLEMS SO WE MOVED BACK TO TEXAS. MY FATHER AND BROTHER BOTH WHERE ALWAYS IN AND OUT OF JAIL SO I LIVED WITH MY GRANDMOTHER. WHEN I WAS 16 I MOVED TO COLORADO TO LIVE WITH MY AUNT CONNIE AND UNCLE MIKE AND MY CUZS ALLISON AND KAYLEIGH. ALLISON WAS 14 AND KAYLEIGH WAS 18. WHILE I WAS UP THERE KAYLEIGH GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY GIRL, SHE NAMED HER HANNAH LAUREN. HANNAH WAS BORN ON AUG. 7 2006. A FEW MONTHS LATER I MOVED BACK TO TEXAS TO LIVE WITH MY GRANDMOTHER. ON JANUARY 11 2007 MY GRANDMOTHERS YOUNGEST SON WHICH WAS MY UNCLE TYSON WAS MURDERED. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW I'M JUST TRYING TO GET YOU UP TO DATE ON WHAT IS GOING ON. NOW BACK TO A FEW THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME, I MET THIS GUY ON THE INTERNET AND WE TALKED FOR A LONG TIME ON THE PHONE AND WE SENT EMAILS BACK AND FORTH. WELL AFTER ALL THE TALKING HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME, SO I MOVED TO SOUTH CAROLINA TO BE WITH HIM. WELL THINGS DIDNT WORK OUT SO GOOD SO I MOVED BACK TO TEXAS. TWO DAYS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM SOUTH CAROLINA I MET THIS GUY NAMED BRAD. ON APRIL 9 2007 BRAD AND I STARTED DATING, WE BROKE UP A FEW TIME BUT EVERYONE HAS THERE PROBLEMS. AFTER BEING TOGETHER A FEW MONTHS WE WANTED TO GET MARRIED BUT WE COULDNT BECAUSE I WAS ONLY 17 AND HE WAS 18. SO WE WAITED UNTILL A LITTLE AFTER MY 18TH BIRTHDAY WE GOT MARRIED ON JAN 11 2008. WELL NOW YOU ARE ALMOST UP TO DATE. IT IS NOW JAN 18 2009 AND WE HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER WE HAVE TWO DOGS WE ARE ABOUT TO BIULD A HOUSE, WE DONT HAVE ANY KIDS YET BUT ONE DAY WE HOPE TO HAVE SOME. MY FATHER AND BROTHER ARE STILL LIVING WITH MY GRANDMOTHER, MY FATHER IS 43 AND MY BROTHER IS 22, NOW THATS SAD I'M 19 MARRIED AND OUT ON MY OWN.�
You now the saying stix nd stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me! well who ever said that was wrong. Yesterday i got called something i never hope to be called again that same pesson(who ive tryed to be friends with) also hates me.The truth is i once liked him and no 1 new it -cuz i keept it a secret-But from then on it was day after day fighting to be his friendand still i�try to be his friend,cuz deep down�inside i feel that if�1 friend is lost my whole world tummbles.I cry every time he�tells me he dosent want to talk to me-mabey�not in front of him but at home. he has a friend whom i like very much and every tme im near him my heart falls out flat cuz he used to like me but noe he dosent.My new saying is�-Stix and stones can break my bones ,but wors can kill my heart!!!!!!�
Jewels
During this new yr Ive gotten manny new things ,clothes,shoes,Freinds,and now this .Hopefuly Ill write in this every day , Mabey-mabey not.My new yrs res. are to get good grades and NOT BITE MY NAILS. But most important to overcome my fears and make new friends along the way.Catachizum starts in less than a week soo that will help the hole friend thing.JuliAnn is starting to come out in me and hopefuly both of our dreams will come true.It wont be long till time runs out for me so ive got to start now. Well its late i probebly should go so gtg write later
����Jewels101