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        oconfessionario  40, Female, North Carolina, USA - 8 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    10:30 AM EDT
       

    Here I am again, yet another online journal. There's no telling how many I have now, floating out there in the cyberworld universe... No matter. The inspiration is always novel (at least to me), and I am here to tell all, for once and for all, the daily thoughts, plans, dreams, ideas, rantings, etc. however menial that characterize my life on Earth. I'm hoping I'll be completely honest here, so that I can read over my words and decipher for myself what I think I should do or become or whatever other benefit journal writing has. The only rule is: Everything goes. Shall we begin? I believe that my fatal flaw is rumination. Not just on negative things, which tend to eat me away while I torture myself needlessly, but with positive things as well. Until I obsess and beat to death a dream or idea with the blunt force object of 'someday' thinking. I've realized, recently that the entire realm of the 'someday' does not really exist, and not only is it a pretend matter, but it is a cruel tease as well. People can be ruined by their dreams; I know this. This process can be summed up in one deceivingly beautiful word: disillusionment. Of course, ruminating on negative things is also terrible, while maybe not quite as bad as ruminating on the positive. It makes those stabs of physical pain all the more unbearable, heartache a precipice to suicide, self-doubt an undefeatable and grotesque monster. The point being, for the past several years of my life, spanning through adolescence and well into early adulthood, I have had a very strong but vague feeling that life had at some point become for my soul, completely unfulfilling. But until recently I did not realize that I truly was my own worst enemy, or those inner demons were (but in the end, I listened to them, so it was me that became the real tyrant after all). Rumination: to chew again or over and over. "I let the beast in and then I even tried forgiving him but it's too soon so I'll fight again again again again again" -Fiona Apple "We're human beings, not human doings" -Someone said, as referenced to me by my very kind counselor When rumination becomes a daily evil, it grows and festers until it inhabits your every waking moment. Before you can realize what's happening, your mind has been completely consumed with the waste of unappreciated ideas, life-solutions ("what was so wrong with my life in the first place?" you'll never think to ask), self-doubt, worry, judgments and is devoid of joy or any other remotely recognizable emotion. All of a sudden you've been completely stripped bare of what you never had to work for or think about or self-motivate for to begin with. I think it comes with the territory of leaving childhood. We think we must forsake all of our carefree ways if we ever want to get anywhere, become someone, do something with our lives. And that's where a foreign, but easily recognizable face makes his way in. The first demon of subtlety paves the way for the demon whose evil is apparent from any facet, and yet once he makes a home for himself, deep beneath your skin, by the time you've discovered another presence, the water is so deep and dark and freezing cold, that it seems, since you have no choice in the matter anyway, might as well take the plunge and discover that liquid submerged world below. Come on in, the water feels fine. I lay in bed at night, close my eyes, and try to find solitude from the menacing thoughts and circumstances I've conjured, all in mental picture shadowboxes, with their own completely separate connotations. All I can see in my mind's eye is a kaleidoscope of strange people popping up here and there, doing completely understandable but not quite identifiable things. Sometimes there are objects, environments, situations. To say the least, it isn't quite pleasant. To feel that I have no control over what comes in, because I certainly didn't ever see that person before in my life, how did she get there? Maybe... I've concluded, they're just my demon's other victims. While I'm content to lie in a bed for several hours rest, he simply plugs in a tape, a cinematic collage of all the different spirits he's tormented in a day, and is then free to torture others. Surely a demon never rests. Awareness, to him, is the brink of destruction. But the battle is never over, especially not while my lungs still pump air, my heart beats and my mind is washed over in experience after emotion after mental illness. I'll continue this train of thought later, when I'm feeling more in control of where it's headed. For now it's all a little too much for me, I write as I uncover all the mysteries plaguing my spirit, and I feel as though I've discovered too much truth for one sitting.
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    1 comment(s) - 07:13 PM - 01/12/2007
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        Jalisa  37, Female, Louisiana, USA - 2 entries
    11
    Jan 2007
    10:26 PM EDT
       

    I went and registered for college.Major is Medical Office It's my third semester in college. I am really trying to accomplish all my goal in life.
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    1 comment(s) - 10:19 AM - 01/12/2007
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        babygiggles892  33, Female, California, USA - 3 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    10:25 AM EDT
       

    iM S0RRy L0UiS!! ='[[
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        shelbs  35, Female, Florida, USA - First entry!
    11
    Jan 2007
    10:24 PM EDT
       

    Everything will wonderful someday..someday. someday seems so close that you can grab it..like a star..only, you know it's billions of miles away >_< [errg!] must be nice to sleep at night..you know, all guilt free and shit. dude..i love someone and they have no idea exactly how much, and in this i see myself mirroring another..
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        SHABRE  33, Female, California, USA - 3 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    10:16 AM EDT
       

    Today is friday the day ii was waiting for this whole week so ii can go to the movies to see STOMP THE YARD with my cousins and friends. ii know it will be fun because when ii went to the movies on christmas to see ''DREAM GIRLS'' we had alot of fun and we didnt leave the movies until like 2:35 in the morning and we got to the movies around 8:41 pm. My was messing around with alot of people trying to get them to say something but nobody did so they keep messig with other people.
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        FinalFantasy  35, Female, California, USA - 5 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    10:11 AM EDT
       

    I Didnt Do Much For Christmas, It Was Actually Kinda Deppresing...We Didnt Have a Christmas Tree Or Decerations In The House. My Family Has Been Having a Lot Of Problems With Bills,Work And Eachother =[ . Well Anyways i Got $100 Dollars For Christmas, Im Going To Save It For a While Im Not Just Going To Spend It, Phfft!! Well Im Bored Now So The End!!!
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        babygiggles892  33, Female, California, USA - 3 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    9:58 AM EDT
       

    TODAy iS COLD! ='[ AND iM BORED! THERE iS NOTHiNG TO DO iN My CLASSES..UGH! AND iTS SOO HOT iN THE LiBRARy, BUT iTS ALL GOOD iM HERE WiTH CRAZy RiCHARD && CORN NUT CHRiSSy!! L0L ii L0VE My CRZy PEOPLES. WELL iii THiNK iM D0NE WiTH THiS N0W S0 ByE! =]]
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        ybg  44, Female, New York, USA - 23 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    9:55 AM EDT
       

    Those morning kisses...
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        Angela Wang  47, Female, China - 73 entries
    11
    Jan 2007
    9:40 PM EDT
       

    Today is weekend again. I still reviewed my subjects in the day time. In the evening I got on the school bus to go home where my baby and my husband were waiting for me to come back. When the bus drew on the main road nearby the Big Bridge, it was surprising to us that the whole trip was not jammed from the beginning to the end. So it only took only 40 minutes from university to home. It is a lucky day! I am always vexed the moment that the traffic was congested by the numerous automobiles. So I also hope no traffic jam next time.
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        anna  35, Female, California, USA - 4 entries
    12
    Jan 2007
    6:22 AM PDT
       

    last year it was all fun and games but sometime there was drama and it had it fun parts it was really odd. but the past is the past
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