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madhousewife 69, Female, Michigan, USA - 48 entries

Jan 2007
8:46 AM EDT

I want to scream about now. Some days driving to or from work I want to keep going and never come home again. There have been days I wish my memory would just be wiped clean. She sits in there with the tv to loud because her hearing isn't worth a crap. That same problem leads her to feel we are talking about her, or that no one ever talks to her. She doesn't like anyone, and treats others like crap even though she claims not to. She sits with her guide post and doesn't see she's what turned me against christianity. They preach forgivness and don't forgive, they preach love, and hate anyone who doesn't agree with or is the same as them. Others know her one way and all think she's miss wonderful, but they don't really know her. She'll do almost anything for you, but you better be prepared to spend the rest of your life thanking her, and she'll spend the rest of hers reminding you to. I often think Dad died to be free of her. I was married at 17, pregnant and wanting out of this house and away from her sneering, dominering, hateful, accusing behavior. As a small child I wished her dead many a time so Dad and I could be free. I wasn't allowed to play with others or leave the yard. As I grew older she always acted like I was awful and couldn't be trusted. I was never good enough and I hated her. She always belittled me infront of others, yet always felt ,and still does, that she was a wonderful mother. Everyone tells me when she dies I will take it hardest of all. I really don't think I will. I think, as long as I am not in a home myself, my life will begin. I won't be looking over my shoulder wondering if she is going to be upset over something said. I won't feel I can't do because as she always reminds us , this is her house. I will finally feel free to go and do anywhere and anything with whom ever I chose without guilt.

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lmm27295 44, Female, Michigan, USA - 15 entries

Jan 2007
8:03 AM EDT

I am very upset about last night, but I am not going to raise my voice w/ you or get loud and upset and I would appreciate it you can do the same in this conversation. I am going to try to express how I feel to you in the nicest way that I know how and w/o trying to purposely upset you. Please listen to what I have to say just like I listen to you and let you speak your peace. First of all, the other night you expressed to me how when you come to me you want me to be understanding, caring, etc. I did not get that respect from you at all last night, I feel like you set all the rules that I am suppose to follow when you have issues but when it is me w/ the problem, all rules are broken. And no matter what point I try to make to you, I feel like you always try to twist it instead of really listen and trying to understand why I think the way I do. Communication, the things that are said, I understand you have your ways of thinking and that they are not like mine, but it is how you handle it and the words that are said, I am tired of the hurtful things, it is one thing to talk to me about things that frustrate you about me and its another to say the things that were said last night, you have to learn how to control your mouth b/c it is pushing me away from you. It is making me not want to be close to you. You don’t understand the fact of when you say things like you do, they are not forgotten, and I carry them with me You have top realize that we are not alike. We are different in so many ways. We think different, handle things differently, see things differently etc. We have to except that about each other. You don’t always act the way I want you to or say what I want to hear and the same goes with me. Or you say things sometimes that you think are funny but you really have a meaning behind it is where we again, have to set boundaries. There are boundaries that have to be set and have to be respected and not crossed. I have to know that if I call up Chandra and trash talk you to her that I have crossed a boundary and I have to expect that you are going to be upset, so I don’t cross that boundary. Just like w/ me, if you purposely say things to hurt me, then u have crossed a boundary and I am going to upset with you. Trying to express a concern w/ one another is going to have to occur from time to time but just down right be mean to one another is going to drive us apart. With the wedding, I am tired of being threatened. This is how I feel, point blank, if it is said again, that the wedding is called off, then that’s it, I will follow through w/ it and we will not get married, I not going through a roller coaster with this wedding. This event is suppose to be a fun and special time and it is not turning out to be like that. This is something that is very important to me and my family and I have a lot of people that is putting a lot into this for me. We have 5 months left and I don’t want to have to look back at this time with you and think of how miserable it was for me. I don’t want to keep having to harp on the wedding issue. Either it is going to get better or it won’t and if it don’t then we need to call it off b/c we have people that really care about is and this event and they are putting a lot of $ into this. If you don’t want to get married then PLEASE tell me now and I will stop it all! If we don’t think we can live together, than let’s call this off, I am going to tell you right now, I cannot stand a messy house. If this is going to continue to be an issue than something is going to have to change. I don’t ask you to clean toilets, or scrub, the shower or dust. All I ask of you is to pick up after yourself or do a load of clothes or take out the trash or jump in and help if we have guest coming or put your coat in the closet. I want a neat and clean home and if this is a problem for you then like I said, this will never work. I cannot do it all by myself. I have to work to. I cannot constantly pick up behind you. So if that is what you want then I will do it but I will be a stay at home girl. You talk about how you love that I am girly, well this is part of that package. I grew up in a messy, unorganized home 80% of my life there and I WILL NOT have my home looking like that! Trust, Trust is very important, especially considering what is getting ready to happen with us. This issue has really put a damper on that with me. I am not going to lie to you, I did search for it once I realized that there was some on the computer. I understand that you have needs. U are a man and that is understandable. What frustrates me is how you hide things, u may not realize this but it kills your creditability, it makes me question things that you tell me and I hate that. I hate that I have to pull the truth out of you. PLEASE just be up front with me and don’t hide it. It just makes it 10 times worse. When you are in the wrong, just be honest and we can work through it easier. Do you want me to hide stuff from you? It makes me think 10 times more of you if you don’t hide stuff. When I don’t feel like I can trust you, it makes me not want to be close to you. I don’t care what it is, big or small, don’t lie to me, tell me stuff before I have to find about it. I want to be able to find comfort in you and be able to let my hair down with you and I want to feel like I can tell you everything and I want to feel like if I fall or make a mistake, you will be there. I want to be that person for you. I want has to build a bond with you, not a wall. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to truly love me, to the pt that there is nothing that we would not do for one another and I am not talking about small stuff like you always fixing my drink or me always having to get up and get something for you. I am talking about stuff that really matters. We can be a great couple if we try hard. We have got to stop giving up. I do it to. And we have got to take responsibility for our actions b/c if we deny what we do, then we will never change it and I am not talking about telling one another a problem just to cause a problem to make the other one feel bad. But we have to start admitting what our fought are so we can make them better and help each other with that instead of criticizing them for it. Its funny cause in a lot of ways our situation reminds me of Sonny and Carly as stupid as it sounds. I think we need to figure out a way to help with these problems. I am willing to do anything. I have been unhappy and buy what u said, u have too. #1. I think we need to set a goal for reading the book that I bought. I think we need to read 5 to 10 pgs a week. And we can read the same pgs, prob not together b/c we will not see that much of each other, but we can talk about what we read. This will also help to know that we are both reading them and not just saying that we are. #2. I think that we need to set aside 1 nite a week to go do something together, ex. Bowling, or we can trade off, one time is something you like then next time something I like, We should fit this in every week even if something else has to go. It is important that we start getting closer and trying to build a stronger bond. #3. On Sundays, we can both get a piece of paper and right down one good thing about that week or a praise for the other person and one disturbing thing so that we can learn from it. Do you have any ideas? This stuff may seem stupid but I am trying really hard to keep us from tearing apart.

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1 comment(s) - 11:46 PM - 03/02/2007

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heartbreak2007 37, Female, Pennsylvania, USA - 27 entries

Jan 2007
6:09 AM EDT

Hey whats up world? Not too much here just trying to wake up. Well this past weekend was weird. Friday night I worked up until 9:30 then I came home and was in bed by 11:30. Saturday I had got up about 12 and then went to work about 4 and worked up until closing. I didn't get out of there until 11:35 and then I didn't go to sleep until 2 because i wasn't tired at all. Then I had to be up at 9 yesterday morning because I had to be in at work at 11 so I could work a double. Speaking of that we had a bad night at work. This guy dustin who was our dish washer he had walked out on us when we had a 40 minute wait and then the computers had crashed. So they had to call someone in who didn't even know how to do the dishes. She did an awesome job though knowing it was her first time. I have to go into work tonight so we will see how it is tonight.

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smb 50, Female, Wyoming, USA - 129 entries

Jan 2007
2:31 PM MST

Okay, I guess CN and I are on again, We went to church in Spearfish with Susie and Doa with CN. It was a nice service and I even cried during one song after thinking of how cool it is that Jesus gave his life for me! The message was about being less selfish and it hit me about how I've treated CN. I don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve how I've been treating him but yet I still can't quite commit and I still wonder if "he's the one". I need to stop fighting it! Here's some exciting news,,,, I am getting babtized Sunday the 4th! getting excited and nervous!

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jazzsoulp 40, Female, Rhode Island, USA - 32 entries

Jan 2007
3:33 PM EST

So I stayed up all night talking to my friend on the phone and we were trying to convince another friend that she was not wrong for doing what she did....It goes a little something like this.....My home girl...lets call her Eru, was playing with her boyfriends cell phone and happened to come across a text message that was bothersome to her. It was from his ex-girl sating she was in town and he should come see her. She shoved it off hoping her B.F would actually say something about it. So she waited for him to talk, but he never did. That same night, he said he was going to hang with the boys, so she called him later on and he didn't pick up. Then she rang again, but this time his phone was turned off...*Awhelllnaaw!!! * She then finally gets to speak with him and asked him about his whereabouts and he LIED and said he was with the boys...So she asked him if he had something to tell her, and he said no...SO she told him she saw the message and the dumb dude ended up confessing....Fine, my girl was wrong for snooping, but check this...He turned the tables on her and made it all her fault because she went through his messages...can someone smell a rat. Well, this got me to thinking and I realised how wonderful my Guy is. We had this same situation happen. I took his cell phone and asked if I could go through his messages...He was right there while I questioned him about all the random female texts, but this was b4 our relationship got serious so I wasn't too bothered bcos I also had random males texting me too. But I do think Eru's guy messed up big time...the Trust is gone....Anyway, I woke up at 5:00am to call babe...I love talking to him when I just wake up...It makes my whole day go by with love...You know....I speak to his mum like every week now...It's so cool because is whole family loves me, and my mum really likes him too...One day i'l tell u about our dream like journey....It's a beautful thing.

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smokeyvienna 65, Female, California, USA - 13 entries

Jan 2007
1:02 AM PDT

This week will be a challenge. need to remember the time management steps. will work on my horse seat starting tomorrow. will go back to the beginning and work forward. if that doesn't work, i'll take some lessons.

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sweetcakes100 51, Female, California, USA - 26 entries

Jan 2007
8:51 AM EDT

Hello everyone, I would like an advice how do you get over someone who hasn't been true to a person even on a chatsite? You see I had found someone on one of my chatsite and I had poured out all my feelings and had trusted that person. And this morning I had found out that a another girl had told me that she is having a fling with the guy who I had trusted on the internet. I felt really hurt, I am having a hard time trusting people in real life and on the internet. But this has brought me down. I would like to know how to get over the hurt,( I am a very suicidial person}.

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1 comment(s) - 04:24 AM - 01/29/2007

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candy 53, Female, Florida, USA - 2 entries

Jan 2007
7:55 PM EDT

test

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Angela Wang 47, Female, China - 73 entries

Jan 2007
6:12 PM EDT

After breakfast, I went out to buy a pair of cotton pants for my son because I will take him to my hometown in a few days, I am afraid that he will not be accustomed to the local climate there, so I have to make a good prepartation for the resistence agaist the cold and dry weather. Now he already went to bed, he will wake up in early morning. Therefore I have to go to bed earlier, or else I will be too sleepy to take care of him.

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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Jan 2007
5:48 AM EDT

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." - Mozart it recently dawned upon me that my extreme lack of security is a major cause of myirrational, astray thoughts. it got so bad to the point i had to leave school. i just always wanted to be great. as a child i was always 2nd or 3rd to my siblings. growing up in grade school, i was always the chubby asian girl. i went to 5 different elementary schools. i was social in the first couple. but with time i grew to be extremely introverted and antisocial. these traits dont go away, they only grow in unexpected ways. today i stand with the immense fear of failure. failure to prove that im good enough. failure to be skinny and pretty, two things of which i was never called when i was tounger. at one point i turned anorexic when i was 14, everyone liked me all of a sudden, and i dated the guy that every girl drooled over. i grew ever so clingy to this period. if i gained a single pound i believed everything would fall apart. the truth is that i grew so withdrawn and irrational in my thoughts that he ended up dumping me. i got so depressed and wallowed in all the negativity life had to offer me. i dropped out of highschool for a year. i even considered stalking him but didnt. once an honor rolll student i because a drop out. i just was overwhelmed by the fact that i am not perfect. i just wanted to be great in spite of the fact i am just average. i never learned how to cope or deal with the fact that my talents dont lay in superficiality and diets and makeup. my talents lay in arts and creativity, i am a sensitive and emotional person. i went to a top art school as a freshman this year until the suppressed irrationality caught up with me, triggered perhaps by my brother's sudden demise of ending his life, perhaps by trying to drop 30 pounds (which i did after 2 months but gained it all back shortly afterwards, experieced my short-lived fame) it always seems to go this way every ime i try to better myself through new situations; i always back out. i always lose my health and then my sanity. i just can't or couldnt, rather, hold on for another single second. through the process i found some great many people that appreciate me regardless of how much i should hate myself, but my health was deteriorating at smoking a pack a day and eating nothing but fat and sugar. i couldnt get myself to step out into the frigid cold and get to studio classes. i was rapidly losing myability to function, and was doing poorly in my mission to conquer it or fight it so i was weakened so much to the point i just had to give up. and this is my rationalization. i seriously need psychiatric help. there is something wrong with me and it is affecting my life in negative ways...affecting my life in such a way i can't experience happiness (living, going to school, getting good marks, interacting with open-minded and creative people) i am tempted to cry over it. to wallow over it. to cling to every moment and every memory i made there. to cry and hate myself over the loss. to get caught up in the past. but then i realize this is only part of my irrationality, my hyper sensitivity, my inflated emotional state during a period of loss or its opposite, which is the fear of anything going wrong during a period of everything going right which usually doesnt happen to often but it did believe it or not for a very short period of time. the collapse of it contributed to my current state. i could say i am in an utter state of despair. i could say i am depressed. i could say i am worthless, fat, ugly, failure, and i need to die. or i could realize that i am just average. i am capable of doing above average, but lets face the facts...i am not supernatural. i cant resort to irrational thoughts as a way of thinking that it will somehow fuel to my ability and make me perfect and great. i am average. i should not think superficial thoughts, there is nothing that can really be done. i need to be rational and realistic. optimism and pessimism are all relative. those are all a reflectiong and product of my happiness or lack there of, so i cannot pick the product without having attempted the factor, you know? i plan to return to school spring of 2008. but for now i need to get help...mental and physicla and emotional. i also need to focus on not wallowing. i need to focus on quitting smoking. i need to focus on not being caught up in the past. i need to focus on not feeling sorry for myself all the time. these thoughts are all unrealistic and con against me. these thoughts are worthless and simply not worth being sadover. if i must be ruthless then thats fine. if i must be considered unkind or a bitch thats fine too. i realize i am not a nice person if i dont force myself to me. the only problem is that i resort to thinking irrationality in order to be kind and loving. and i just simply cant do that anymore. does that make me a bad person? i am certainly not afraid of death but i should stop embracing it. i should at least try to withstand from going completely insane. the problem is that after my brothers death i was open and willing to lose it completely. life didnt matter. people didnt matter. sanity didnt matter. i got what i wanted for a short period of time but ended up where i am now. i need this time off to heal my mind and my heart. i need this time to get mylife together. nobody will ever understand that, and they dont have to. as long as i kinow whats right for me, that is comfort in itself enough. i need to stay busy. this week i will look for jobs in the city and explore the city and the metro system. today i will help my parents unpack. i will maybe go apply for jobs but it is very unlikely. tomorrow i call MICA for transfer information. this week i need to see a doctor... i just want to et well. i just want to be happy. i just want to be myself and who i am meant to be for the sake of me. i am so sick of being so far away fromwho i really am.

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1 comment(s) - 10:20 AM - 01/28/2007

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