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auxilary25 40, Female, California, USA - 32 entries

Jul 2007
11:10 PM EDT

Have you ever watched a movie where the woman keeps getting mistreated by a man but she always ends up running back to him?

This is what my life is like right now...my ex & I were supposed to be the best of friends once we broke up. We dated for 5 years until I finally broke it off. I loved him and I still love him with all my heart but the problem is I wasn't in-love with him. I tried so many times to tell myself I could change it...that if I tried to look @ all the positives my heart would flutter everytime he'd come around. Eventually I stopped wanting to kiss him or hold hands with him around in public. When we started dating things were "great" we were both happy...I thought I was in love but now I realize I was in need of companioship. I needed to feel loved & he was always there to ensure I was never alone.I gave myself to him 100% to make sure that he was always happy...I put a smile on my face and potrayed to everyone that we were the "perfect" couple.

Only, now is when I come to admit to myself that he was far from the "perfect" guy...I always said that I'd save myself for marriage or for the "right time" and with my ex I just wasn't feeling it. We had sex one time and it just didn't do it for me. After that I decided sex wasn't for me and we waited 2 years to have sex again. At this point the times we had sex it was REALLY painful for me. First he said it was because my body needed to "change" for me to be sexually active...so I waited yet no such change happened.

Then when I had a sharp pain on the right side of my pelvis he brushed it off and went slowly to "shorten" the pain I felt. It came to the point where his kiss and touch repulsed me. While we kissed I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a million other guys so that I perhaps could get in the "mood." We had to buy lubricant because I was always too "dry." He'd always ask me..."can you go down on me"...when I said no he started asking me "why do you not like the smell or something...I heard girls don't like the smell.." after that it became a survey to find out why on earth I didn't want to have his penis in my mouth...Can't you just respect "No!"

I know what you are thinking...why did you stay in the relationship? A) my family LOVED him...they all saw had us mentally wed already...B) I thought he loved me as silly as it might sound..but only now do I realize that when a person truly loves you they'll never cause you that kind of pain...

Then there were the times I cried because of the pain and he asked "can I finish..." How could I say no? I laid there waiting for him to see the pain in my face...the tears streaming down my cheeks and say "baby I love you...I can't do this to you...I'm sorry for putting you through this.." but instead he satisfied his sexual desires while I lost my identity.

Now when we talk about this he tells me that he's sorry..that why do I always have this hate towards him and I'm full of anger when I speak to him. That HE has suffered enough because he lost the "love of his life" and now has to see her in love with another man...

To top it off he cheated on me. When it happened I blamed myself for not giving my all to the relationship. I poured my heart out the entire night when I found all the letters they had written to each other. When he came over the next day I hugged him and told him everything would be fine. We didn't break-up...why?? Because I was afraid of being alone..I was off to a university and I needed someone to be beside me in this new place...

When I started pullig away from him..started hanging out with my girl friends my family criticized me..asking me how I could leave HIM alone...when he loves me. The day I finally broke up with him my family blamed me saying they were certain "I had done something to cause him to go away..." at that point I was scared because it seemed as tho my family loved him more than me.

I will finish this journal later...I need 2 rest for tomorrow....

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1 comment(s) - 09:34 PM - 11/08/2011

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tealprincess18 35, Female, Virginia, USA - 88 entries

Jul 2007
8:44 AM EDT

i am back from my trip!!! it was awsome!!!

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berries7cinnamon 38, Female, Singapore - 20 entries

Jul 2007
8:03 AM EDT

I now have enough money (finally after a long time) for my little Takeru!

I havea small problem with payment transfer, but thanks to Judith it wouldn't pose as an obstacle. She's such a dear. :)

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scarlett 36, Female, Bahamas - 161 entries

Jul 2007
6:35 PM EDT

umm...as to the below essay....I have no idea...

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scarlett 36, Female, Bahamas - 161 entries

Jul 2007
6:29 PM EDT

there are so many things that make us bolder, make us older, make us wiser. But if we could just find the time to unwind and unbind and discover something new in ourselves, something hidden in the backs of our minds, we might just realize that underneath it all, where it really matters, we are in flux. Every change to our range of emotions, every dip in the daily routine, every question, every hope, every challenge is merely momentary. If we are bold then there is a place in us for cowardice and for hesitation, if we are old then at times we must act younger than we are and if we are wiser than we were before, then there was a time when we made mistakes, answered for them, and struggled to connect all of the dots. Every minute marks the beginning of who we really are. We run a race with an identity swinging just beyond our reach. We run through sand and mud, through fires and forests and then, just when we can run no more, when we have tripped too many times and fallen into too many ruts, we almost find ourselves. In the meantime we have travelled so far, changed so much, become so much stronger, so much faster, so much more. We are scarred and tired and radiant and broken. And yet, through it all, we have looked only at ourselves,swaying before our eyes, promising nothing and everything and never changing: or so it seems. We spend our whole lives chasing a mirror, asking answers of ourselves.

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bhoyle89 36, Female, Louisiana, USA - 3 entries

Jul 2007
3:12 AM CST

Hi my name is Brittney. I am new to this site, I needed somewhere other than a spiral to keep my thoughts and ideas. Well today is my birthday and I am 18 today. I am so excited I couldn't even sleep well last night. Well today I am going to meet my real father for the first time in 14 years and I am really excited about that. Today my whole family is coming for my birthday and we are going to swim in our new pool, play cards, some board games, and a whole bunch of other fun stuff. Unfortunately my fiance had to work today, but he doesn't have to work long.

Tags: MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Daydreamer 37, Female, Australia - 26 entries

Jul 2007
5:04 AM EDT

GOOD MORNING:

Today my step sister is going to go get her permit and I need to know if the feelings I am having towards the situation are wierd?

She is 15 and 1/2 and she just is a really troublesome kid.She has been in more trouble with the law than I have and she did something to be grounded right now!She is very experienced in the guy department and she does alot to get in trouble.I dont know why I care so much I already can drive I just have a car yet!!!! Is all my worrying worthwhile orshould I just live my life and let it all be??

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confusedgirl101 32, Female, California, USA - 12 entries

Jul 2007
4:59 PM EDT

omg! well yesterday after i posted i went crazy and decieded i wanted my hair blonder so i got comet(w/ bleach) and tried to bleach my hair! u know its that stuff that u clean sinks w/. well i know im crazy! anyways im not supposed to use chemicals on my hair and my mom noticed it was blonder but i told her it was lemon juice! lol! well ttyl! l8r Belle

Tags: MORON!!!

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3 comment(s) - 04:38 PM - 09/06/2007

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dee23 54, Female, United Kingdom - 170 entries

Jul 2007
8:52 PM GMT

nothing much to say life is ticking by not much going on .this is my last week before i retire and i must say i will miss my best mate we have been side by side for four and half years we talk about every thing and nothing we sort each others problems out but most of all we both have some one who listens and gives advice ,we have a laugh every day it's not work it's fun and i'm going to miss it all i know we will stay in touch but it's hard when you are in a car two hours a day every day with your best mate to just go to not seeing them every day and probaly only talking on the phone once in a while i have to say that he has been the best boss and friend i have worked for and i will miss him a lot

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cricket 60, Female, Wisconsin, USA - 2 entries

Jul 2007
12:23 PM CDT

hi journal,me i am not very happy cause my life seems very confusing and very frustrating and i am very angry and out of control but i don't know why.i miss pastor bobby very very much and yes he knows how much i am missinghim.someday i will have enough courage and guts to talk with him about his gray knit pants but only if i have his permission and robyn's permission.cause it's kind of privately personal and very intimate for pastor bobby and me.i donot want to move away from janesville or my famiily,friends,trinity or from pastor bobby.bye for now.

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