here we go once again moving again but this time to a completly different place somewhere ive never been before some where i really dont want to go. but if it helps my dad then i guess i can deal with it i have never had a online journal before it might even help me get everything i need to get out of my system cuz most of the time all i do is keep everything bottled up inside and then i just burst and most of the time i take it out on my lil sis abd i hate that about myself thats whta im trying to fix slowly but surly and i think its coming kinda well acutally. but i kinda gotta go gotta get back to class
signed
the one thta needs to change herself.
Life is good, life is really good. I've decided my friends and my foes. I've decided life is to short to dwell on the bad things and even if this feeling doesn't stay for much longer it wont matter because i dont think i've been this happy for this long is so long. I'm getting healthier, my family is great, my friends are most of the reason i wake up in the morning, and just nothing can seem to bring me down. I've learned that the people who do bring you down, are the ones who don't truely care. I've really truely learned to not sweat the small stuff, and to talk shit about people wont get you far. I really really want to stop talking bad about anyone behind their backs, and i really want to start doing better in school. I'm really happy with myself, everything about what i've been doing lately is satisfying. Everyone does the wrong at times, but there is no need to over react about it. Lifes a lot of bull shit and happiness all mixed together, its a fact that only the strong will survive. I want to the be strong, I want to live, I want a real life, one that I can look back on and not regret and right now, the 15 years I've been living, I wouldn't change a single thing. I have the most amazing best friends, and I have the most amazing family. They are everything I need and could ever ask for. They are my life, my entire life and without them I wouldn't have life, without them I wouldn't want to. LIFE I NEVER WANT YOU TO CHANGE, stay amazing forever! Oh and Christmas is coming soon, and oh god:| I'm stressing about money, I need a job. I NEED one.....:(
1。大宝属于典型的小聪明，玩儿点小智力游戏，总是能赢。在学校里，老师逗她叫她才女，人家还真来劲。在家里，我叫她：阳阳，过来！人家十分认真地说：妈妈，请叫我'才女'，好吗？我的天，还真皮厚！财迷的财？
2。大宝这年龄，对十以上的数字还不是那么有直观认识，所以经常犯点小错误。一天和朋友吃饭，她十分认真的告诉人家：我妈妈27岁！我们大家都笑得开心死了（尤其是我！）看到大家的笑，大宝也似乎意识到了什么，第二天，她偷偷的问我，妈妈，你是27岁吗？有没有骗人？（拜托，骗人也是你骗的！）我说，那我就5岁吧！这回人家可明白了：不可能，你那么老，怎么可能5岁！（还是十以内的数字清楚！）
3。没有刻意教大宝认字，总是边看书边随意教几个字。不知为啥，她总是分不清'元'和'万'字。每次拿起一个硬币，就说，妈妈，给你一万钱！（真的多好！）要不然，就是问，妈妈，这个玩具是多少万？（我买不起，别问我！）我好担心以后的通货膨胀哦！！真的该读万了吧，人家又没方向了！
OMFG. Now cody tells me he likes me. What the hell. i realized that i just don't like him. no special feeling when ithink about him, no nothing. all thati feel is annoyance. nowwe probably won't be friends b/c i'm gonna hurt his feelings cuz i have kind of led him along.
All i can think about is will i regret it? I mean i can see us together. I'm getting a lot of ppl saying "you guys would be such a cute couple" then their are the other ppl who say "you guys are like brother and sister!" So far i'm believing the you guys look like brother and sister. My head is gonna explode-say yes or no? I'm just like pissed at him all the time. I need this christmasbreak to hurry up and get here. i need some space to think. it'd be good if iwas able to putthat space in between us myself, but he sitswith me on the bus EVERYDAY!! I love cody to death, but right now it's likebrother/sister love.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!?!
Well its been a while since i even wrote in here but let me tell u what happen over these months. I came back to baton rouge to live with my mom. She said that its gonna get better but actually it got worse. I go to Robert. E. Lee high school where right now we are fighting for our school to stay open. Another is i been through so many relationships that is pathetic to talk baout. But i think i found someone his name is Bart. He is really cool. Today i skip 6th and 7th hour to go with him to this aubruium or soemthing like that. We had fun and he wants me to be his girlfriend i said yes. I rlly like bart, but my friend nadia hates him. I dont know why, but she does. Anyways we had fun, he has his car and all so it was convient. THo he is 18im 15 but i turn 16 before he turns 19. which is good. Anyways we had fun. Well that was easy to catch up with im back with stories to tell and how i am going along in the present. Im doing good actually....honestly i like school. I have real friends now. and im happy. For real i am. No forcefully sex that these other guys use to inflict on me. I think that im really going to have a good time here at good ole Lee high. Right now im at the library fixen to go home. Bart had to drop me home here so he can go and pick up his mom from work. I think that is so sweet. Anyways im fixen to go home. Please anybody out there email me so i can keep writing. jazz_jass_jassy@yahoo.com. will always answer replies. I wanna become a lil bit more social. sooo hit me up lol. Cya later
In 2002 something really horrible happened to me. It was a living, breathing nightmare. It lasted for two years. I lived with a man who beat me constantly. He'd even come home from work miles away from home to do it.
Sometimes I wish the people in my life could understand what it feels like to be me sometimes but they can't. No one can. Yes, I get therapy. I take medications. These things help some.
I never realized that physical and sexual abuse would follow me in my mind for years like this. It's a never-ending nightmare. Then, just when I'm feeling semi-normal someone came into my friends home and attempted to rape me while my three-year daughter slept next to me. Fortunately, I had a weapon beside me which I guess he didn't see because I knocked the shit out of him. I still don't know who he was but I would have recognized him if he'd came back in the next few days because I hit him with that ball bat on the side of his head hard.
I'm having serious problems with sex in my relationship. I don't want it to be this way. I'm 44, this shouldn't be happening to me. This shouldn't be happening to ANY woman but here it is happening to me. I'm trying to recover; seeming to take forever. I keep wondering how long he's gonna hang in there. It's difficult to be kicked when you're already down.
I try so hard to have a positive attitude. I try that by reading books and re-programming my subconscious. I'm sick of mind replaying the shit over and over inside my head. I hate this happened but happen it did. I haven't written but a bare minimum. I'm not looking for any sympathy, how can anyone say anything to make me feel "better"?
I just wish I could erase that part of my life and be "normal" inside of all messed up inside my own mind. I wonder if I'll ever make it back. I don't dwell on it unless intimacy is involved. I get ....I can't describe it. I want to show my feelings but there is so much internal fear that love will turn against me into a violent hate and I KNOW he's not like that but the fear is still there. Sighhhh.
别来是否无恙
J是我在 St. Bath 医院工作时的结识的死党，一晃十五年过去了，我们当初一伙子旧同事走的走，嫁的嫁，各奔东西。今夏，我带敦敦到英国，顺便访问J在Norfork乡间的家，看看老朋友别来是否无恙。
J驾车来火车站接我们一家，还是那双充满热情的眼睛，比以前更加清瘦的脸上，明显地多出了几道皱纹。十五个年头对于女人虽说长的残酷，婚后生活带来的满足使她脸上露出有家的女人特有的从容和淡定。
J的丈夫Jo是个画家，祖籍加拿大，自小就投奔英国的爷爷奶奶。一幅红红的脸膛加上一头卷卷的银发，说起话来有艺术家特有的诡秘和幽默。
我们的到来让小狗 Digby 兴奋异常，寸步不离地死缠着刚进门的小客人，扒着敦敦的腿连搂带抱，第一次遭遇'激情'的敦敦在受宠若惊的同时感到不知所措，对Digby的超级好感有点受用不起，我安慰敦敦，也许这乡间的老屋平时有点太过清静了，寂寞的小狗趁机闹闹'人来疯'。
J是超级全职主妇，职责包括保姆，农妇外加高级秘书，她每天除了买菜做饭打扫卫生，招待各路亲朋，打理菜园和葡萄园，还是统管一大群鸡鸭猫狗和鸽子日常生活的行政长官，除此之外，她还定期为老公安排到各国参加画展的旅行。
我们决定晚饭前先出门走走，走在乡间的小路上，眼前一片金黄的麦地，色彩和意境让你不自觉地就迈进了梵高的画中。我们遇到不少可爱的大动物，高大的Lama很厉害，不喜欢我们端详他太久，龇着牙冲着我们吐痰，弄的我等只好灰溜溜地走开。
Jo亲自下厨，鸡鸭落肚，酒过三巡，我们借着红暗的灯光谈论着人生，岁月如梭，人生如梦，做了多年办公室的Ｊ厌倦了在伦敦做小白领那样灯红酒绿，飘浮不定的生活，嫁人之后她选择反哺归真，一身新一代农妇打扮，喝自己酿的葡萄酒，吃自己种的有机蔬菜，吃自家鸡下的鸡蛋 。因为他们没有自己的孩子，宠物，朋友自然成了他们的重心，开Party和旅游是他们生活的主要内容。这昔日伦敦办公室里看老板的颜色的小秘书，曾被动地为别人而活，如今的快乐主妇宠着自己想宠的，爱着自己想爱的，朴素开心地为自己而活。
人，关键要在三十岁以前知道自己要过什麽样的生活，多看自己的内心，而不是看周围的人都过什麽样的日子，因为那样的日子并不见得适合自己，也并不见得是明智的生活。
night has fallen on me and i have come to knw the truth
that i once you loved me and cared for me to
but now you scream and yell and im so happy its over
i knw that you ment well
but you made my life a living hell
i have no regret is all ill say
and ill simply just walk away
who will simply love me
who will hold me tight
no one i say and i walk back into the night
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hailey8908 36, Female, Indiana, USA - 3 entries