view member journals

After a very long hiatus, I am back to journaling.� I've kept journals since age 12 and have many, many notebooks.� It has been about ten or eleven years, though, since I've written.� Sometimes when I am too overwhelmed with my crazy life I get away from journaling and then it takes some crisis or big event to bring me back to it.� This is my first attempt at on-line journaling.

At this time, I am having several issues going on.� I am truly a stressed out mom, trying to enjoy my childrens' childhoods, but at the same time, dealing with some big issues with each of them.� These issues are really frustrating to myself and to them.� I wish I could be one of those moms who have it all together and are organized and have no real concerns about their kids, other than whose turn it is to carpool them to their activities.� LOL.

My youngest, who is 6 years old and in first-grade, has ADHD.� Her case is pretty severe, too.� We've known the diagnosis since she was in pre-K.� It was against my judgement to medicate her, but she does benefit from the medicine, as far as behavior in school and ability to participate and focus.� Unfortunately, it has been a struggle to find the right medication and now the right dose.� She gets side effects of belly aches, tiredness, obsessiveness.� She also gets a rebound hyperactivity in the evenings when the med wears off -- that's always a good time. We are trying a lower dose tomorrow to see if the lower dose twice a day works better than extended-release once a day.�

My oldest daughter, 16, suffers from an autoimmune disorder and deals with some issues that a teenager should not have to deal with.� She handles these by far better than I would have at her age.� She participates with activities in school and community.� She works very hard in school to earn good grades.� Academics do not come easily to her.� I can tell she sometimes struggles, but doesn't let on too much anymore, as she used to tantrum when she was younger.�

My middle daughter, 11, is luckily healthy and doesn't struggle with school.� She has no issues other than she has no issues!� That sounds redundant, but being a middle child between two high-needs kids is it's own problem.� She is a good kid who is artistic, but shy.� She doesn't have much interest in getting into many activities, unless her BFF is involved.� She gets angry with me pretty quickly when she feels that she is getting neglected, understandable.� It's hard for me not to take advantage of the fact that she is, �generally speaking, on cruise control.

My husband is a workaholic, but has to be.� We are struggling to keep this overpriced albatross called a house.� We are thinking about foreclosure as a very real option considering the amount of work this place needs and our negative equity.� It is a big decision and there are a lot of unknowns in this tumultuous economic time.

My parents and brothers are nutty.� At the moment, I am at odds with my parents and youngest brother.� Actually, they are not speaking to me.� Long story, and painful.� I sometimes think I am the "Marilyn" in the family of "Munsters".� They think that I am the weird one with the problems.� I sometimes have to remind myself that I am ok, I really am pretty normal.� I have to admit, I never would have thought that there would be a time that my family would be so filled with anger and conflict and that it would constantly be directed at me.� It sucks.

So, basically, my purpose for getting back into journaling is to work through these frustrations and hopefully, get control of my life back.� Sometimes I feel that the tail is wagging the dog.� My short term goal is to come up with some creative ways to deal with the holidays as a family outcast.� My longer term goal is to regain inner peace and acceptance that I need to find my own strength and no longer try to rely on my family for support, as they are not capable at this time of providing that.� I would also like to work on establishing more friendships.� It's hard!�

So, today was my first day in the 10th grade andi though it would be a good idea to start a journal since my life sucks. Anyway like I was� saying today, my first day was a sophmore.. It went fairly well i guess, the bus ride from my house� to school is over an hour long and a hour back FML im on the bus at 6:55 i get to schoolat 8:13 :/ and� back well i finish at 2:21 i get home at 2:23 lol it sucks i know, anyway once at school we had to go into the gym and listen to this stupid prensentation, over the summer i dip dyed my hair hot pink and got a lip ring, and everyone was saying how good it looked, i felt awesome, but kinda awkard at the same time because of my anxiety -.-. Anyway after the presentation the 10th graders (thats me) hadto go into the caf to meet our teachers... The teacher i HATE was� there, thank god im not in her class like PRAISE THE LORD, the reason why i hate her is cause in� the 9th grade she was my religon teacher, and i was in class one day super bored so i decided to take my� phone out of my pencil case annd check my� twitter, i got onto twitter and the first tweet i saw was a tweet from hedley (My favorite band) saying they had to reschedual a� few of there tour dates in eastern Canada because of� illness, the concert they played in�my hometown�already passed when they annouced the illness, well anyway the� first thing that jumps to mind is Tommy Mac (the bassist) and his fight for cancer, I knew he had cancer , but recovered but for some reason i though somthing has happened and Tommy was� sick, well still� in class� thinking this i started to tear� up in class, by this time now everyone was just talking and shit, i tried to hold it in but couldnt do it i started bawlling�, my friends were trying to comfort me while the bitches/haters laughed� anyway the teacher comes over and starts yelling at me infront of the class telling me how my obssesion with them is abnormal� and shit and how i need to go to therapy but this bitch doesnt even know the reason i like hedley, nobody does... anyway i wont go into full details but it ended up with her calling my parents telling them i needed therpay, i convinced them i didnt and it was just to get attention (Which it wasnt cuz i hate attention). Anyway flash back to this morning, she comes up to me and since shes the teacher for the hairdressing classes she comes and inspects my hair telling me how bad it was done and how it�looks bad cuz of my teased up hair and shit... well that lowered my self� esteem. So off to first period which is civics, the teacher is chill, the class is like filled with guys loud, annoying, intimadating guys... anyway i sa tbeside jo my friend that i kinda drifted apart with, and one� of the only other girls in the class, since the desks were� put in groups of two� i could only choose one person.... well in the group next to me is this guy, lets call him ...Brandon, well i met him in the 8th grade through� my ex� best friend (shes popular and has a bunch of attention know ... eww) anyway we've never really talked but for some reason we talked� today, so after civics i had french, i didnt know anyone from civics who was taking french until brandon told� me he was in french, so we walked together to french... i sat beside two of my friends and brandon sat infront. Well french was boring we had to introduce yourselves but that didnt turnout to good,� with my anxiety.... my voice was shaking there was so much popular mean bitches in my class, anyway� i was so relived after i was done... so after the teacher was� done annoucing stuff, we got to sit there and� talk, i found out me and brandon didnt have the next class together, i was kinda bumped, My next class� was sience� and i was super pumped One: because i love sience Two: I didnt have m. Renaud as a teacher (Another teacher i hate) and three: it was close to my lockerso instead of bringnig 3 binders il just switch before going� into sience and Four: because the class only has 14 ppl, and i know most of� them;) so� yeah sience was a breeze. Its lunch now i REALLy had to pee so i went pee since� our lunch periods are spread in to there� is a senior (11 and 12) lunch thab Junior(9 and 10) this year there was like 70 ninners in our small school so the caf was PACKED, i ended up sitting with ppl who arent really my� friends but ppl i talk to... After lunch was mechanics, there� is only 2 other girls� in that class, two of my bff's and one is thinking of switching to art -.- so we� didnt really do anythingin auto we just talked me my two� friend and a guy who ihavent� really� talked to since grade 8, we talked about tattoos, piercings, hair dye... and uhm yeah that� was it, so as u can see my day was� pretty good actually really good compared to others :)
anyway uhmm thats it for me, sinceihave no social life ill end up filling u guys in on what happens tmrw too :) TTYl

pps

i'm just a girl in love with you..�

there are nights when i cant help but cry
and i wonder why you have to leave me
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely?
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye...�