view member journals

hahaha, ok, so, I went to the starbucks opening at the mall today and a local singing group wrote a song especially for the occasion, something like, "frappuccinos, cappuccinos and deserts, something something, we're gonna treat you right!" so if you hear it on a commercial in future, it all started at the mall at marathon in the bahamas!

I love my dad but with my mother feeling so sick all of the time, he tends to drag me to all of these work functions so I basically sat on the sidelines drinking samples (white mochas are da bomb) while he congratulated everyone "on behalf of the mall". which is fine...but i wish my mother was able to get out more. i know that her back bothers her but she has, by choice, dropped out of the public eye entirely. people don't even know that she is alive/still married to my father. we are more than willing to make allowances for her discomfort. i will personally drive her home if it hurts too much. heck, she walks 10 miles every morning but won't spend 10 minutes at a social function. i know im being hard on her, but what is a diary for if not for all the dark little thoughts that pop up in your head every day?

i saw hairspray afterward, which was great...surprisingly...and now i feel all motivated to make changes. i also feel better about my situation. someday someone will love me for who i am ^^. it may not be soon but it will happen and i will be happy. everything takes time.

well i didnt get to see him friday, and it turns out that he had to go to work today. i talked to him for a little while before he had to go in. he said he has a surprise for me, i wonder what it is.

he is saving money so that me and him can go on a little vacation next summer, i didnt want him to do that since he has his car payments, insurance, has to buy food, and clothes. and with that he wants us to go out when he has his day off. i try to help him, but i'm not working at this time. hopefully i'll start working again.

right now he has been working alot of hours, its kind of stressing him out, i try to keep him relax. but sometimes when he has to much in his plate, he becomes stubborn. he has been coming home late, i try to tell him to just sleep and not worry about me, that i understand; but he gets fustrated. i guess once in a while he listens, he knows i love him and i'm trying to do whats best for him and me.

well hopefully i get to spend time with him tomorrow before he goes to work, hopefully he wont get fustrated if we cant. i know he tries, but i cant make him understand that its okay, its not his fault.

well see ya later

Hey biotches!!!!

Im kinda mad cuz I have to go back to this hell hole of a school next year and summer break is almost over!!!! for you unlucky s.o.b.s you have to start the 30th AKA Kirsten Murray!! Hahaha!!

i must say that this is only the first week i've been stuck at home with nothing to do and yes i'm board out of my mind .going to a christening on sunday so at least it's a day out of the house away from the every day cleaning and watching tv till you eyes fall out of your head . i have just read peter kays life story and must say it is so funny i nearly wet myself i laughed so much ah well back to cleaning see you later

i went to bible study on Tuesday it was nice. Even though I we were the only people there. Sunday I went and made an ass out of myself. I cried through the whole sermon. I dont normally cry in public. I was just so distraught, with stress. I was sincererly contemplating suicide. I couldnt cope, life was frayingat the seams. I later aplogize for acting out. the pastor gave me his card. I called him, we had a candid conversation, ranging from relationship to spirituality. I feel very comfortable conversing with him. Pastor Robinson relates to me like a real person, no fakesness. Speaking to me on a level that most so called religous people wouldnt dareattempt. He has one my respect despite my obvious suspect attitude of so called pastors/ministers. Tuesday we went to church for bible study, he was shocked at much the children knew about the bible. Dj is funny he told him "this is to easy can you give us something harder".

Some time after that we spoke over the phone ,and inquired about the kids names. Especially "princess" he wanted to know what made me name her....

I explained that I was coming out and I wanted to always remember this.

I am having a fucked up day. I am broke my check is delayed for two weeks payroll says my time sheet wasnt recieved in time. My daughter is at home calling me saying she is sick/hungry. I have no spending money whatsoever. I dont know what to do at this point. I have alot of stuff on my mind right now. I am still apartment searching, my bills are behind. I hope my phone doesnt get cut off.

Omar emailed me yesterday, whyI dont know. Especially after he insulted me, when he said my kids are bey bey kids. He even when on to say he isnt "the family type, he isnt a good boyfriend". If his intent was to push me away, well it worked. In the email he claims his attention is focused on me. I dont give a damn if it is, he is very infantile. He has no children, no job, and so no sense. I wish I never met him at all.

Omar needs to grow up. I dont have the time to allocate to raising someone else's child. I avoid going to the ymca were we met so I wont have to encounter him. I resoponded to his email. I let him know that Iam not into playing games or going for a rollercoaster ride. During one of our initial conversations he stated that he cannot provide for me and my children. which is strange seeing that I have never asked him to or insinuated this. He thought I was going to fuck him, unprotected again. The first time was a mistake shame on me. So what I cant get pregnant. Thats not the point. Trust is an important factor!