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When I was a little girl I'd think "what if..." and it always led to anxiousness, a sort of shakey feeling in my stomach and sometimes fear. I remember being told that I shouldn't worry about the "what if's" and that was that. As if they knew that all things would just take care of themselves. But I knew different. Things don't work out, they fall apart usually, you don't know what's going to happen to you and you'd better watch out. My grown-ups were not so good at life. They messed up in ways I couldn't understand back then, what I know now is that they shouldn't have had children when they did, then when they divorced they could have moved on�without looking back. Oh, wait - that's what they did! And that's when the "what if's" became real for me.

That was then and�this is now, I'm in charge now and I can make my life what I want it to be...right? I want to and for the most part I think I'm doing good. But I still feel small when I get to thinkin "what if". It's not always a bad what if, like now, I'm wondering what if I could become something more than I am now. I want to bring something new into my life, I want to make something more of myself. And as soon as I think it I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, frozen.

Can I trust myself to take care of me as I go forward into the unknown? I want to...

October 04, 2008

So many things happend to me in the past and nothing does seem to go right dont ask me if Im emo because the answer is YES if you don't know what it means hear you go� http://mx.youtube.com/watch?v=R_7BXOOjBf8��and http://mx.youtube.com/watch?v=YLMwfbGhoW4� My life sucks so much all I want to do is cut my wrists even if I do I cant stop Ive been in therapy already I got 9 slits on my wrists :( I don't need help my life really is a living hell :(

i ran away from home. and they didn't even care about that. even my mother didn't even care, and surely that's because she has her own family now. my step father has arrived and that's a very good thing for her. she now has everything, a daughter, a husband and that's enough. Im too much for her, my sister fits it all. they truly are a perfect family, no place for me to but in.

Diana's birthday is on a weekend!

she says she might invite us over for a partayy� but ehh . i dunno if she will =( maybe we go movies? =)

.AGUIHOAHDLIHJL noo.. DGM� is ending! FINAL EPISODE IS OUT. BUT IT WAS SO GOOD.� nooo . I hope there's a sequal though. if not. i'm gonna cry.

ew. i smell like potatoes. maybe cuz we were baking fries�today =D yumm

I just found out from my foods teacher that .. there's something in SKITTLES that clog something inside you... i dunno. i forgot but. NOW I KNOW.. skittles are dangerous.

we took the other food's class block today. cuz we had double block =( which means ... we owe them 2 blocks. WHICH MEANS we have to do "food theory" in the sewing room for the rest of the other week -.-

type later.

love

blahbee

Today I won't rant about our economy. I'm focusing on our anniversary.

We met 37 yrs ago today. He had those deep brown eyes, he called me a little fox.

We couldn't know then what we know now, we believed in us. Each day was and is�a decision to love.

We're not going to go out tonight, keepin it cheap. So he was talking about the meatloaf I used to make back when I used to have to stretch a lb. of hamburgar to feed the 6 of us. I haven't made it in years. He said he missed it, so guess what's on the menu tonight!