Today I realized the most damaging thing about my parents fights when I was younger, the fact that the next day everything would be forgotten. Covered up to appear as if there are no problems and we have the greatest family on earth. I don't know if it's just me but I can forgive but I can never forget. So having my mom act as if she forgot he just called you a stupid worthless women who he doesn't love & don't need the night before pissed me off. More than him actually hitting her, more than him coming in drunk, more then him standing us up, more than him only thinking about himself, only doing things if it benefitted himself, more than the lack of love I believe he felt for me & my brother, more than the pure hate I felt for him when he was around because of all the lies & broken promises. He destroyed our family all because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. He is the worst thing that ever happened to my mom. Besides my brother & I she has only gotten heartache, pain, endless tears, a couple of black eyes, foolish arguments, and a torn down self esteem. I thought I was over a lot of my demons from the past but it's clear I'm not because of the feeling I have in the pit of my gut. It's hate for the man I call father. My mother says only god can change my heart & take the pain away, but when your constantly around this shit it's hard to forgive & forget. Usually when a person gets older they start seeing there faults more clearly & try what ever it takes to change there old bad ways. Not him it's like as he ages he gets worst. Even with church he's not changing he's still as evil as the day is long. My dream wish is for my mom to leave his ass, leave him by himself so he can know how it feels to not feel love, to be abandon like what he did to us. Then maybe in time I will learn to let bygones be bygones. I remember the night he hit her the first time that we seen and the next morning she acted as if nothing happen(damn still pisses me off till this day) hurt so bad I hated her loss respect for her, felt like she deserved him Sometimes I still feel like she deserves him because she chooses to stay. She has other options beside that me & reece are grown we can take care of our self shit we been doing it since we came to Milwaukee. My life has been so broken behind the love hate bullshit my parents have taken us through. I may never forgive or forget all the bull I've been through because those 2 where so selfish and didn't think about the other 2 people involved in the story. But they did teach me life's biggest lesson early, NO ONE GIVES 2 SHIT'S ABOUT U BUT U(I MEAN REALLY WHOLE HEARTED CARE NOT THAT SURFACE SHIT). U WERE BORN ALONE & YOU'LL DIE ONLY. Maybe I'm just being a biter bitch scorn from the life I was born with. That's what I try 2 tell myself 2 but people keep proven what my parents taught me right.
Today was interesting. I started the day off talking to my brother for like 3 hours. Since we hadn't seen each other in months we decided to go skating. I use to go roller skate all the time started when I was 13 stopped when I was 19 & the last time I've been was when I was 20. Skating use to be the hottest thing around.. My brother and his friends had this skate group called the mill town rollers & they had it all the girls, the moves, the hottest cars, clothes, & looks. The group leader was angelo this dark skin, skinny, fly dude who could skate his ass off & I had the biggest crush on him for years. It started when I was 14 and it lasted until I was 18. We almost dated but he played me for a girl who was taking care of him. Giving him money, using her car, she brought his clothes, etc... so I guess I don't blame him for choosing her. All I had at the time were looks. Any way it took me a long time to get over him, and one day I told myself I would still have him. Which I could but he's not wroth my time or the effort. He is like that hot jock in high school that everybody likes but 10 years later he's a dead beat that everybody hates. The from riches to rages story, well that's angelo. Besides angelo I mingled with a few others. Nothing major, but the one who really got under my skin was murphy. He was everything a woman needs in a man, true husband material & I had him. He wasn't the best liking guy but he was presentable. He wasn't my usually type either, but he was so sweet & worshiped the ground I walked on. I guess you can say I was young & dumb because I let him go. For what reason I still don't know I guess cause he wasn't fly enough shallow I know I'm not proud. We never really had closure because I just stopped talking to him one day I just didn't call him or return his calls. So now when every we see each other we don't speak & it's all weird. Well he was at skating & he had his new girlfriend with him light skin. long hair, not as cute as me but she was ok for him. He tried not to look my way but I caught him staring a little. I can tell he still cares, probably going to think about me tonight. Cause I'm going to be thinking about him. I wonder if I should have kept him in my life or if I did the right thing by ending that. I know the way I did it was wrong, but what's done is done. Apart of me wonders what if & that small part of me is keeping we up right now. Let it go!!!!!!!!!!! I had a drink tonight also for the first time in months. It felt good, I even brought me some wine to have for these upcoming stress filled weeks. My brothers best friend tony is having a baby, his girlfriends 10 weeks. He's been wanted this baby for a while now but tony is the type of guy who does not I repeat does not need a kid. It's that bad trust me. Hopefully he grows up more before the kid comes. I'm really proud of my brother he is making really good money as a trunk driver so things are looking good for him. Oh yeah my dad & mom got into this big ass fight today. I really hope they dead there relationship, so my mom can have a little chance at happiness.
2. You use an entire bottle of his cologne so you can smell him around you.
3. You get nervous every time the phone rings or you hear a knock at the door.
4. The shoes he left in the middle of the floor are now oddly comforting.
5. The postal clerk knows you by name.
6. You buy beef jerky every time you go to the grocery store.
7.You check your email every 5 minutes including in the middle of the night.
8. You have enough priority boxes, packing tape and customs forms for his entire unit.
9.You have a ton of friends with deployed soldiers who you've never actually met because they're all online.
10.You don't just tie a yellow ribbon around a tree outside, you tie one around your heart.
The day has just started and am already stressed out already. I went for an interview yesterday, as wasn't feeling it at all. I don't want to work for peanuts, but I have a family and bills to pay. I feel the job is beneath me, as is the case with this one. Not that I am not grateful I can do a lot better than what's being offered. I need to pay for my summer class. The kids are with my mom for the moment. Day care is shut down 'til next Tuesday. I need some real money. Speaking of which Curtis is trying to get his child support payments lowered that is laughable. He hasn't payed in three months so what is there to decrease. He says he want to be with me, having a hard time believing or trusting anything he says. His motives are not clear, I think he thinks being with me will lower or obliterate his financial obligation to X.E.,I can see where this is headed; he isn't pursuing me just wanting to get fucked. One day I want to settle down with the kids and have a nuclear family. Not sure Curtis is the one for this, he is so self absorbed and aloof. I tell the kids to ask for what they want but I won't do this with him for fear he may interpret such as being demanding. Being intimate with him is even awkward for me, he is much more aggressive. Like let's get to it, which is usually my role. This is hypocritical but his behavior is a turn off. He says he's monogamous, having trouble believing this.
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