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    momof3s  46, Female, Texas, USA - 6 entries
01
Oct 2009
12:09 PM CDT
   

journal numero uno

this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.� the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids.�

a little background on me....� i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.� i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.� i've been stuck in this house.� and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.� things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.� things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.� so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.� ok.� maybe that's not entirely true.� i think he should despise me.� i'm disgusted by myself.� so pretty much the electric�company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.� and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.� i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.� i realize that i brought this on myself.� i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.� because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.� my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.� i put us in this position.� i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.� i think i have accomplished a couple of things.� i just feel like such a failure.�

so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.� i had my post op yesterday.� the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.� i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.� i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.� one i have never gotten along with well.� and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.� yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.� he pays rent now and then.� but this is MY�house.� not his.� his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.� now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.� he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.� i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.� my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.� and he also believes that everyone owes him.� he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.� but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.� i have always said i don't want him living here.� but it's never been up to me.� and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it.�

i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house,�hungry, and lonely.� i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.� there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.� i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.� i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.� i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.� i only know what i was told by their spouse.� i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.� i feel like a failure.� like i've let down my family and my friends.� my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.� right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.� i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.� only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.� this has been a pretty jacked up day.� i have no clue what we will have for dinner.� but i think i'm just going to go to bed.� i know he will take care of them.� i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......

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