tiahe's Journal

The first day of school oh goodness.

We walk to school everything is good, and then taylor starts it off being a bitch. I go into first period and I sit beside John and then I have Brock, Brandi, Erich, Taylor.W and then like Nicoles little group(who are sooo annoying)! Period two I have with Sam, and Sara. Third period is math, which was great but boring. I have Braeden in that class and he was being a dick. Then fourth was lunch and I was with the mountsfielders and then with Tori and Anne and them, and Braeden of course. Then fifth is the worst class ever its food and i only have Sachin it is and that is it. It was an okay day, kinda sucked though:( and after school i was with Braeden to, and all we do is like fight and hug. Its cute but i dont like him!

Who are real friends apart from the fakes. Something that people maybe never know, or could eventually find out. Secrets and lies are what keeps everything apart, sometimes you never know what to believe or who to believe. No one can keep a promise, or really seem to keep a friend loyal, or to even hold a secret from everyone and not tell a soul.

A true real friend is someone who can let the little things slide, and the big ones into small. Who will be there, not all the time but hopefully most of it. Someone who doesn't talk behind each others backs, and cares and loves their best friends. I just want one whos going to stay loyal to me.

Jessica Boucher, you seem to be up there on my best friends. Ever since everything happened I now see you differently, I wish we didn't go and some things didn't happen and that I didn't feel this way. I'm sorry I broke our promise, but I guess I was just doing it so you would stop doing it yourself, because right now its not me who you should be worried about in that category. I'm worried about you, and whats going on with you. I feel like we're going to grow apart, because right now its hard to have a converstaion with you because im still thinking about everything. I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't feeling this way, and I hate it, because I know your never like that. I'm just sorry for everything, and I wish you wouldn't get hurt by Ben, but I think you're going to. He likes you, but he loves Kristen. But as for us, I do love you, and I hate to see you this way.

Ben Stokes, so we hang out keep it secret. I lie to Jordan you have my back, you keep my secrets and you talk to me about my problems. You're like my older brother but so much better. I'm scared to trust you only because your so close to Jordan, and I'm not sure what you two talk about. Sometimes I think you tell him things I dont want you to, and thats why I'm so paranoid about trusting you, but other then that you're an amazing guy. I dont want you to be sad, and thats why I took you out. I hate how we text over 50 times a day and we have to pretty much hide it. I'm so glad your like a brother because then things will never be weird. I'm so thankful that we started to talk, your a good friend and right now thats all i need. You unlike a lot of others actually seem to care, and thats still really weird for our friendship. It's wierd to even call you a friend, or to hang out. I'm glad when we do hang out alone though that its not awkward and its not really messed up or anything. Thanks for being there for me Benny. You're better then you give yourself credit for, thanks for looking out for me too, and wanting the best for me. You mean a lot.

Victoria Johnson and Anne Merrifield, you both can go in one. You're pretty much joined by the hip, you do everything together and spend every minute you can with each other. I wish I had a best friend like that, but at the same time I'm really glad I dont! You two are my closest friends. I wish I wasn't sick right now, the first time I ever got drunk was with you guys, first time ever trying weed was with you guys too. I do a lot of my firsts with you guys. I'm just not all like you two, you two are partyers not so much for me, I love doing it though its so much fun I just dont know if i can handle it all the time. Now I'm sick from it. I hope I'm better soon so I can hang out with you guys again! I'm so happy I can talk to you both about anything, but I dont like how you get mad but it doesnt' really matter. I love you guys anyways. I dont know what I would do without you guys.

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER I can almost garentee that.

I couldn't use two more perfect words for who I am and what I'm feeling then scared and paranoid about everything. I can't stand being alone, and every second it feels like someone is watching me or finding out about a new one of my secrets. I'm worried about trust, friendships, family, enemies. I don't know who I can trust anymore who if anyone can even trust me. Nothing seems to make me satisfyed lately, and everything Im doing is putting myself lower and lower, drinking drugs and a hell of a lot of lying. Who am I anymore, theres no excuse for any of my actions. I'm just acting really stupid, and immature.

I hate it.

I use to know, but now everything just seems to be getting more and more messed up. Like should i go out tonight, is that what I even need? I dont think its what I need but its what I want. Or really is it, because i would rather just stay home. But I'm scared, my fear right now is being alone. Thats it, and being forgotten or just loosing everything. I'm scared, everything I do is out of fear right now. I hate this I hate me, I dont know. I'm not a good friend it seems to anyone, I broke a promise that I knew I'd break and hurt people. Knowing that people actually care about me seems so surreal because usually I dont have people saving me. But this time, I need someone to save me from myself. uuuuuuuuuuugh

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." - GK Chesterton

What do feelings look like?

Most feelings are internal, but the ones that are shown aren't half as painful as the invisables. Tears are a sign of not only sadness but happiness too, along with laughter its not only protrayed as being cheerful but can be a sign of being scared. Why do the people who are going through the most pain, put themselves through more because they keep it all to themselves? Wouldn't it do wonders if they could let it all out, and teach the world that its okay to be scared, but hiding from it wont do any good but make things all the more difficult. Wouldn't everyone just kill to be happy all the time, with no worries to push them down. Some people would say whats the point in always being happy, and not having any problems because life is about the mistakes and learning lessons and going through not only good things but also bad. If I had the choice though, I'd choose that I'd always be happy because nothing is worth more then being happy, and making the people around you happy. That right there is one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. Being happy. Feelings are everything in life, our emotions, or facial expressions, or hearts. No body can destory feelings, because if you like them or not feelings are with you when you wake up, go to sleep, in your dreams and when you die. Feelings are just one more part of life that we have to live with, if you can seem them or not, they will always be there no matter what.

Remorse- a strong feeling of guilt and regret

NARCISSISM - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
Indignation - strong displeasure at something considered unjust, offensive, insulting, or base; righteous anger.

Grandiosity - a. more complicated or elaborate than necessary; overblown: a grandiose scheme.
b. grand in an imposing or impressive way.

Best Friends:

Seems like no one is really my best friend anymore, I know I have them but only a couple now. I have Taylor, Jessie, Tori, and Anne. I don't really tell anyone anything though, so everything will go on here instead. Trusting anyone lately isn't easy, to me it seems none existant anymore, to tell you the truth I dont even believe in trust at the moment. I know you're suppose to tell your best friend everything, and I know even if someone loves you that they will still at one time or another hurt you, but lately they've hurt me to much.

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Taylor Walpole:

You've hurt me by lying, by not calling me anymore, or talking to me on msn. I know I don't call you, but you already put that responsibility in my hands and to tell you truth right now, I don't really care where this friendship is even going. Everytime you have a boyfriend, where do I fit in? I don't, this time I really thought it was going to change, but it hasn't. You'll just come running back, and this time just like the last I might not be there but this time I might not be there forever. You'll just have to move on, because unlike Joey, I could be in your life forever. We're suppose to be best friends, and not just when you don't have some one just as important, I want to be your best friends at all times. I hate that I'm your second choice, even if you don't think it that way, thats really how it is, because in any situation I'm not sure who you'd pick me or him, but if you don't learn how to manage us you'll only have him to choose. Soon its going to be over, and I'll be the one who says good bye first. It doesn't seem worth it anymore, it just doesn't. I'm really sorry, but time will only tell, and I'd like to hope times on your side this time.

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Jessica Boucher:

You've hurt me by giving up, and betraying my trust. I know we're friends again, and we're still close, but I can't keep going through the heard aches of not being friends then being friends again, and so on. I want to be best friends with you more than anyone else believe it or not. I just need to be able to fully trust you again, I'm just so scared that you'll find this to hard again, and you'll find another way out and then in again. I'm so scared that everything I tell you, might go to Parys or Lauren but really I dont trust either of them, and right now I'm just starting to trust you again, only because you've put your trust in me. You're one person I know I can tell things to because you'll understand, and if you dont understand you want to, because I know you care. I know you care because I can feel it, I love you so much for it.  Just please this time I don't want it to be like before.  The past hasn't been the greatest for us so this time, I want it to be a little different because this time I wanna stay friends. Every fight we get in arn't small they are huge, and we stop being friends, because we know each other so well that we know our fights will get to big to handle, and that we'll just get more hurt if we carry it on then if we end everything. Doing that though, seems to make me believe less and less in our friendship. I miss us, I miss being so close that nothing could come between us, thats what I want again a REAL best friend, and you're the person I want that with. I think we can do it, because its what I want and need.