Klenk

I went to my favorite resturant/bar today for lunch which is a usual spot for me...the down side is it's a usual spot for Adrian too. I walked in and saw her today. This is the first time I've seen her in nearly two weeks. We were the only two people in the whole fucking place. As soon as I saw her I stopped (thought about turning and just leaving)but then Terri my fav bartender said "Hey Klenk, what's up?" So I greeted her but not Adrian and then sat behind her and not at the bar as I normally do. It was wierd.�Sat there for a few moments, ordered my food and then she did it: "Hey Klenk, what's up?" My heart sank. I wanted to spill my heart out and be like "I love you and am miserable without you. I want to spend eternity with you." But I didn't. I kept it short and not so sweet. She just got a "Hey" the I resumed drinking my cranberry vodka. She got the hint that I wasn't into�talking to her but I wasn't gonna let her ruin my steak and drinks. A few moments went by and I recieved a few texts and I don't think she could stand not having my attention. She turned and said: "Is your wireless working? Mine's not." Again, I wanted to say something sweet to make her smile or say something that only me and her would find funny. But I didn't. I didn't even look at her. I just said "Yep" and resumed eating.

I knew that if I gave in I'd be putty in her hands again. As much as I love her and want to be with her I just keep telling myself that she'll never change.

I just had a great talk w/my great friend Sarah. She's been going through something similar though not on the same scale. Thank goodness that her's ended somewhat soon and hasn't been dragged out like my situation. I've been so lonely since my relationship w/ Adrian ended. I really hadn't been close to anyone in 4 years or so and when I did open my heart finally it didn't really work out as I had envisioned it. Oh well. I'm trying desperately to move on but it's sooo hard when we work close together and share mutual friends. I just know in my brain that it's a stupid situation. The bad thing is that my heart likes to argue w/my brain =/

I'm struggling with missing her still. I've been spending more time at home and I catch myself looking out the window sometimes when I go to the kitchen just hoping that she pulls in my driveway. But I also wonder at the same time if it's her I miss or the feeling of being in love. Hmmm...

Late

So yet another day w/o her. I guess what I miss the most is just being in love. I think that deep down I knew that the two of us would clash. We were too much alike. After being single and playing the field for a few years, that it was nice to have ther person there. I don't think it was nessarily her. It was just the security of being in love and it's really a great feeling. I guess that's what I'm chasing.

I just wish that I could stop wanting my phone to ring and it be her. I know that it would not be a good thing. I hated the perpetual bickering and fight picking that would always seem to happen towards the end. It sure didn't start like that. At first I fell...HARD for her and we would do nothing but laugh and play. I guess that's what I chased and she even called it too that if we had a relationship together the worst part would be letting each other down. And I tried soooo hard to work things out so that it wouldn't get to that and I guess it takes two to tango.

Late