Anonymously Lost

 
    
13
Apr 2008
4:37 PM CST
   

Some Poetry...

I'm going to start writing poetry again. I used to for�a long time. I'm hoping it will be as therapeutic as it used to be. Well here is one that� I wrote a few days ago. It doesn't really have a name.

No, Everything is not okay

Everytime night turns to day

I pray

"God let me die today."

I can't change the way I feel

People are trying with just a little pill

It all just makes me want to blurt

"God, stop making me hurt."

I know I have Jesus in my heart

Which means we'll never part

But I just don't feel him with me

Maybe they lied and he really left me.

God, if you left me, hear my cry

Please come back before I try

To take something that isn't mine

To take my life one last time.

I need some feedback, Please.� That is, if you want to. I can be short or long. You can tell me it sucks if you want to. Just give me something to work with.

1 comment(s) - 12:06 AM - 04/22/2008
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05
Apr 2008
2:21 PM CST
   

Suicide

I tried to kill myself on March 20th, 2008. Obviously I failed since I'm writing this. I overdosed on hydrocodine, tylenol pm, and tons of sleeping pills. After an overnight stay at the hospital they transported me to a mental hospital, where I have been for the last 15 days.

I wish it would have worked. I wish I could go back and take more than I did. I hate feeling like this. I hate my mind thinking of ways to hurt or even kill myself.

�������������������� I HATE EVERTHING ABOUT ME!!!

Tags: listening
5 comment(s) - 09:58 PM - 04/06/2008
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20
Mar 2008
1:35 PM CST
   

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

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19
Mar 2008
2:16 PM CST
   

I went on a trip with the Grace Baptist Church's youth group as a chaperone and I had the most amazing time.� My favorite part of the whole trip was when we volunteered at the Homeless Shelter. We had chapel with them and it amazes me that people that have nothing and don't even know when their next meal will be, still praise God through it all. That kind of faith is strong, and I wish�I could say that, in that situation, I would do the same, but I just don't know. After chapel we served them lunch and then cleaned up. That whole trip was absolutely wonderful. It couldn't have been any better than it was. (Well, it probably could have, but it would have been hard to be.)

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13
Mar 2008
5:21 AM CST
   

I think I'm going to leave. I haven't decided if I'm permanently leaving or if I'm just going away. I know that I can't stay here.

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07
Mar 2008
8:12 PM CST
   

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plansto give youa hope and a future."

God, I sure hope so. I can't live like this anymore. Right now I'm not sure I want to live at all, but I think you have a purpose for my life Lord. Please reveal you plans to me God, and give me the strength I will need to follow your plans. God, I know that you don't want your children to suffer and right now Lord, I am. The pain seems almost unbearable. God I pray for everyone who is facing the same situations as me Lord. I lift them up to you, and God I pray that you make their pain fleeting. God, I pray that you don't let any other person get to the place that I havebeen lately. God, help me out of this. Give me the strength and courage to face this. I know you want to here for a reason, so God please reveal the purpose you have set for my life. Amen

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03
Mar 2008
6:14 PM EDT
   

I need...

I need someone who will just let me sit with them and cry, and the only thing they'll do is listen. Some of you on here are helping more than you know, but it's not the same as having someone next to you hugging and rocking you while you cry. I need this. I need Mrs. Melinda. I know she would let me just sit and cry. Actually, she would probably cry with me. But, she doesn't know my story. I don't want to burden her with it.

1 comment(s) - 10:41 PM - 03/05/2008
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28
Feb 2008
1:22 PM PST
   

I try...

I try to be happy. I honestly do. Then I think about what happened, and different things that have happened throughout my life and then I just can't. I used to be optimistic. Or at least I tried to be. Now my mind can only see the negative. I don't understand. I know that people tell me that its depression, but I wish it would just all go away. I try to be a happy person, but it's hard to be something you're not.

2 comment(s) - 01:06 PM - 02/29/2008
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25
Feb 2008
8:39 AM MEZ
   

Part of a Song...

Makes me wanna jump out the highest window,

Swallow all those pills.

Makes me wanna cut the deepest, I've done before.

All because the pain you caused,

But what keeps me from doing it all...

Jesus

Take my hand.

Jesus

Please take my heart. And

Jesus

Take the pain,

Don't let it hurt no more.

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23
Feb 2008
1:35 PM EDT
   

For a little while...

For a little while I felt myself being pulled away from pain and into something similar to happiness. But, only for a little while. I'm back in the rut called life again and it sucks. All I feel like doing is sleeping and crying. But, I can't sleep and I feel weak when I cry. One time when I was upset about something, someone I was close to made a joke about me crying and it really hurt. Now everytime I cry I think about what they said and how much it hurt.

I hate my life.

...

1 comment(s) - 02:42 AM - 02/24/2008
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20
Feb 2008
10:58 AM EDT
   

One Words...

How I feel... ............................How I wish I felt...

ANGRY ....................................APPRECIATIVE

BRUTAL ..................................BALANCED

CRY..........................................CARING

DRAIN......................................DELIGHTFUL

EMPTY ....................................ECSTATIC

FRAGILE.................................FUN

GUILY......................................GUILTLESS

HATE.......................................HAPPY

IMPERFECT ...........................INVINCIBLE

JAGGED ................................JOYOUS

KAPUT ...................................KIND

LONELY .................................LOVELY

MASSIVE ...............................MAGNIFICENT

NEBULOUS...........................NICE

OBSOLETE ..........................ORANGE (favorite color)

PAIN .......................................PRECIOUS

QUESTIONABLE..................QUIET

RECONDITE ........................RARE

SECRETIVE .........................STRONG

TEMPORARY........................TENDER

UGLY .....................................UNDERSTOOD

VAGUE...................................VICTORIOUS

WEAK ....................................WONDERFUL

X-TREME...............................X-TRAORDINARY

YOUNG..................................YOUTHFUL

ZONKED................................ZANY

3 comment(s) - 11:00 AM - 02/22/2008
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16
Feb 2008
6:24 PM EDT
   

Newsboys Concert

I'm taking a little bit of advice from some unknown friends. I got tickets to one of my favorite music groups for March 15th. I'm going all by myself. I think this is the first thing I've been even a little happy about in a long, long time. I'm on the floor, 14th row. I actually didn't spend a fortune on the ticket either. I like Newsboys a lot. I like Rush of Fools too and they're coming with them. I'm finally doing something for me.

2 comment(s) - 10:45 AM - 02/17/2008
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15
Feb 2008
8:47 PM EDT
   

Questions...

Why is everything so complicated?

Why not anybody but me?

Then again, I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone. The feeling that one minute you are okay, then your mind starts to reel and brings back memories and all of a sudden it feels like you just jumped off the highest building in the world and you're about to hit the ground.

What would I be like if none of this had happened to me? Would I be happy? Would I be able to sleep? Would I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't? Would everything be okay?

Why is it that the people who tell you they are there for you, end up being the first to leave your side? Or at least it feels like it sometimes. I need them to talk to me sometimes about it. When I first told them they said they would be there for me. Now, I need them to prove it. I need to know that I can talk to them about it. I need someone to talk to. About everything.

I feel the pain getting heavier. I don't understand how it does that. Why can't it just all go away? Maybe I'll just have to make it go away, once and for all...

3 comment(s) - 11:39 PM - 02/16/2008
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13
Feb 2008
4:24 PM EST
   

I told my mom. Not everything...not about what he did, the fact that I cut myself, or that I'm suicidal. Just that I'm depressed. She asked me why. I freaked out and didn't know what to say so I said that it was a chemical imbalance. It was hard to tell her. For a brief second I wanted to tell her everything, but...I can't. It's my fault. I wish it would just go away...
1 comment(s) - 10:37 AM - 02/18/2008
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12
Feb 2008
5:32 PM EDT
   

Fair?

Why does life have to be so unfair? Why can't everything always be sunshine and daisies? Why do people intentionally do things to hurt others? Knowing that it would not only cause initial pain, but it would cause problems long down the road too. Why? I don't understand. I wish I could just wake up one morning and all the pain would be gone. It's never going to happen but I like to think it will. Sometimes believing that helps me make it through a night. Other times, wanting it to happen, and knowing it won't makes me sink deeper.
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11
Feb 2008
10:29 PM CST
   

Lyrics

Youth Of The Nation Lyrics

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

[chorus:]
We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat


Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists

I'm still alive, for now... and hopefully for a while. I got really down the other day. I got closer than I ever had before. It's a little scary thinking about it. When someone asks me about the future it's hard for me to answer because most of the time I don't know if I'll have one.

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08
Feb 2008
8:21 AM CST
   

DIE!!!

Sometimes I wish I would just die. Seriously, there are so many different ways that I can kill myself and it won't even look like suicide. People would just think it was an accident. I've thought about it a lot...different ways...when I would do it...would I write a letter...would I call someone right before and tell them why...who would I tell... A few times I've had it all planned out. But, then someone would surprise me and temporarily make me forget my problems. The real problem is that my problems aren't the type that just go away. They are always there, I carry it with me everyday. Sometimes I can't figure out why I'm not already dead. By some standards I should be dead. It would make it so much easier. I sometimes feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I carry with me the fact that my father molested me for about 5 years and until about 2 months ago, I still lived in the same house as him. The fear that I felt everyday and every night, even after it had stop, was unbearable.. And still is... It has some type of hold on me and won't let go. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper, until soon there won't be any deeper than a 6 foot grave.

4 comment(s) - 12:53 AM - 02/10/2008
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22
Jan 2008
2:21 PM CST
   

Today...

Today was one of the good days. Granted I didn't want to get up and I was tired on the way to school, but other than that I was good. I love my Tuesday/Thursday classes. I love most of my classes. I wish I could go back to the retreat and just stay there forever. I wish I could stay in that type of environment forever.
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21
Jan 2008
4:23 PM CST
   

Quiet Time - January 21, 2008

Exodus 19:1 - 21:36

It's amazing because this weekend we were talking about things that get in the way of our relationship with God, and today's daily devotion talks about idols and the things we do that distract us from God. In today's passage there is the Ten Commandments. The first one being, "Do not worship any other gods besides me." This weekend at retreat I decided to give up most of the television shows and things that I had been watching. I would like to be able to completely give up watching tv but for now giving up the bad shows that were teaching me that it's okay to be like the world is sufficient. I've given up the shows that I used to think I would die without watching. I haven't died yet. I have already turned my music over to God, now I have turned the television over. Homer Allison, the speaker and the retreat, was very in your face, but I loved it. I liked that he didn't skirt around the truth. He knew what God said was okay and he taughtwhat God said wasn't okay. If you ever have the chance to hear him, he is one of the best speakers I have ever heard. He's amazing. He encouraged us to tell our "Jesus Story" and even gave us a chance to get rid of the negatives in our lives that distract us from God.We were all given a square tile. On that tile we were supposed to write things that are blocking our relationship with God. We were supposed to write the things we wanted to break away from. When we were finish writing, we were to go to the pond and throw the tiles in. We were giving it away 3 times. The first was when we prayed about it. The second was when we actually threw it away into the lake. And the third was when the water washed the tiles clean. I think that is amazing to think about. When I threw that tile into the water I felt a burden lifted. Not the whole burden, but a part that I thought I would never get rid of.

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21
Jan 2008
8:55 AM CST
   

Winter Retreat

I went as a chaperone to a winter retreat this weekend and I think it is one of the best things I have done in a long time. The first day I was volunteered for the youth pastor apprenticeship (it was sort of like a leadership thing). We were told to have our testimonies ready to tell at anytime. This worried me because I didn't know what I would say, plus I would be saying it in front of a lot of people. That night I was talking to my friend Heather and she told me that she would be scared in my situation too. That made me feel a whole lot better. At that time I decided to tell her my testimony. After I told her I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The pain wasn't gone, but it felt as if it didn't have as much power over me now. After I told her I felt ready to tell anyone. I prayed about it and I was scared, I actually was hoping they would choose me to give mine. They didn't, but in the last small group we shared our testimonies and I went first. I wasn't scared at all. More later.
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LostAnonymously's Profile

  • Username: LostAnonymously
  • Gender / Age: Female, 32
  • Location: USA - Arkansas
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    About Me: I'm 18 years old. My profile thing says 19, but I can't figure out how to change it. I'm completely anonymous because I don't want anyone to have any thoughts that I just want attention or someone to feel sorry for me. That's not it. I just need someone to listen and even if no one reads what I've written, I still feel like I've told someone.

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