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WELL I JUST WOKE UP FROM A DREAM. A DREAM THAT WAS REAL EVERYTHING IN MY DREAM WAS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING TO HUBBY DURING OUR LAST 50 FIGHTS. "I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON CHANGING ME BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I WILL WORK ON HELPING YOU CHANGE YOU!" THE DREAM WAS OF HIM AND I, I BELIEVE AT HOME, AND MY AUNT THAT I'M CLOSE TO, ALONG WITH MY DEAD GRAMMIE (MY MOTHER'S MOTHER) CAME TO VISIT. EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND WE ALL WERE LAUGHING AND TALKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND OUT OF THE BLUE MY HUBBY SAID SOMETHING LIKE - WELL NOW I CANT REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID BUT IT WAS SOMETHING VERY MEAN. HE THEN WALKED OFF. I RAN AFTER HIM AND HE WAS IN A SMALL ROOM (MAYBE A BATHROOM) AND HE HAD THIS SMIRK ON HIS (ACTUALLY HE LOOOKED DOWNRIGHT HAPPY) AND I SAID, "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" HE SAID, "WELL YOU GOT A LOT OF GOOD POINTS WHEN WE WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT AND SO I WANTED TO GET YOU BACK." I WAS LIKE WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HERE I THINK WE'RE FIXING STUFF AND YOU GO AND DO THAT? I JUST FREAKED. I WAS LIKE, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU DON'T STOP TORTURING ME WITH YOU WORDS AND UNKINDNESS TO ME i'M LEAVING??? I'M TAKING MAKAYLA AND WE'RE MOVING OUT? I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND YOU BETTER STOP! THEN I GOT RIGHT IN HIS FACE AND LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYES TO MAKE SURE THAT HE HEARD ME AND SAID, "DO YOU SEE MY EYES?? LOOK AT THEM! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING OR JUST TALKING??" HUBBY SAID, "SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE NOW?" I SAID, "NO BUT IF YOU DON'T STOP IT'LL WILL BE VERY SOON!" I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND I WON'T. I DON'T DESERVE THIS AND IT'S ENOUGH!" I STARTED TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND WAS GOING DOWN THIS LONG FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND HE PUSHED ME. RIGHT THEN I SAW HIS SISTER COMING TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE FROM BELOW AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT US. NEVER SAID FOR HUBBY TO STOP OR WHAT'S GOING ON OR NOTHING AND I REMEMBER THINKING, HE COULD KILL ME AND THEY WON'T SAY A WORD TO HIM. WELL AS I WAS FALLING INTO THE STAIRCASE RAILING AND TRYING TO GRAB ON I TURNED TO HIM AND STARTED CRYING AND YELLING, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OR SOMETHING TO THAT AFFECT. I WOKE UP RIGHT THEN. WOW WHAT A TERRIBLE DREAM BUT IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE ALOT OF OUR FIGHTS. THINGS CAN BE GOING GOOD AND THEN WOW, OUT OF THE BLUE, HE'LL MAKE A REMARK THAT SENDS ME REELING. HIS EXCUSE IS THAT HE HOLDS STUFF IN UNTIL HE EXPLODES.

OUR DAUGHTER IS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND SO WE SPENT ALOT OF TIME TALKING LAST NIGHT BEFORE WE WENT TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD. WE HAD A GOOD TIME, SOME LAUGHS AND REALLY ENJOYED EACH OTHERS COMPANY SO I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAD TO DREAM THIS DREAM. MAYBE I'M AFRAID IT WON'T LAST. THE FIGHTING AND THE RUDE COMMENTS WILL COME BACK? I DON'T KNOW. ALSO, I DON'T KNOW WHY MY DECEASED GRANDMOTHER WAS IN THE DREAM AND WHY HIS SISTER, AS I WAS ALMOST FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS, DIDN'T SAY SOMETHING. IN REALITY I'M SURE SHE WOULD HAVE, OR AT LEAST I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE. I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT THIS DREAM COULD BE TELLING ME.

ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO GET THIS WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE I FORGOT IT. I WISH I COULD REMEMBER WHAT HUBBY HAD SAID IN THE DREAM THAT SET ME OFF. FUNNY WHO I BLOCKED THAT OUT. MAYBE IT'S TRUE AND SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON AND IF SO WHY DID I BLOCK IT OUT?

I'LL WRITE MORE LATER.

HEDDA

I was pretty bored today. There was nothing for me to do. No one to really hang out with. I decided on going up to Lake Elsinore Outlet Mall. Just as I was about to leave, Steven called me. He was being cute again; telling me he fantasized about me. I told him how gabe wanted to go to dinner. He said he was already jealous, and i told him that I didnt want to be with anyone else, and he didnt want to be with anyone else either. So we're making ground on where we stand...

I went to petite sophisticate and i found some CUTE jeans.. I went to go pay for them, i opened my wallet and my check card wasnt in there!!. Then i remembered i put them in my jean pocket from the day before. I am sooo retarded... Just then my mom called and said she left the garage open, but i dont remember the garage being opened. But i really had no choice but to go all the way back home. so that totally suckedddd.. but it was a nice drive.

I finally spoke to charisse. I havent talked to her since right before she left town for xmas. i told her all about steven she seemed to be really happy for me. All while ignoring any questions that had to deal with her mom. She's studying for finals and just can't deal with the added stress. which is definitely understandable. But it was good to finally talk and stuff. It was good times and laughs.

(Friday night)

I am reading "Smart Love" by Dr. Phil. The first part made me "deal with" who I am and my issues! and then what I want in a man! My issues stuff made me really think about the stem of my ANGER! So, Friday night after I got done reading some Dr. Phil I tried to go to sleep but for the first time in a LONGGGGG time I felt Donnie's presence. I started talking to him. I cried, as I told him he has hurt me so bad,,, and yes, I admitted my wrong-doingsand thenbegged for forgiveness. I was forthcomingthat I was an awful wife at times and I wasn't very helpful or supportive when it came to his addiction. I explained howI grew more and more bitter as the addiction mess got messier! As I was still crying and almost yelling, I told him of how DAMN angry I was and still am that he lied so much to me I probably don't even know the half of it!!!It felt like he was listening so I kept talking,,, Itold as things started to spiral out of control and I could see I had no control over anything my anger grew stronger. Then I was quiet for a bit,,, (if someone would have been there they would've thought I was going crazy!!)because then the next thing I know that came out of my mouth with gops of tears was "I KNOW you LOVE(D) me Donnie! I love you too!" THen I just asked him to set me free!Finally, I prayed and askedJesus to take care of my Buzz, who I love so dearly and always will! Then Ithanked God for this "healing" and to please help me to continue to deal with it and keephealing in a healthy way.

Can't believe it has been almost 2 years and here I am finally "trying to deal with my Donnie issues!" Guess Cory helped distract me for a year and a half!

今天是二宝一岁生日。欺负她啥也不懂，我们也没出门去庆祝。老公更是极不重视，愣是出差不回来。早上我们还带着小寿星去打预防针，可怜的二宝，过生日还被扎了好几针。唯一兴奋得就是大宝，亲自陪我去买蛋糕，还一路算计该把蛋糕切几份，更过分的是还戴着生日小帽子一路招摇，好像她在过生日。。。最后，二宝由于吃得太多，临睡前吐了一身，才给这第一个生日画了一个大句号。

一年来，爸爸妈妈为二宝付出很多。本以为大宝上幼儿园可以轻松一下了，结果我愣是生了第二个，让他们受累。心里很是惭愧内疚。要是能请到菲佣就好了。。。

谢谢爸爸妈妈一年来的付出，谢谢上帝给我2个宝贝女儿！愿爸爸妈妈健康长寿，祝女儿们快乐成长，（希望二宝快长牙，满长肉）。

I have a bad feeling about my social studies exam....i think that i might get a C or something like that....its just they asked some stupid and hard questions that us immigrats don't really know like who is the cheif of the education department....or those things.... its just so annoying but in the end i finished every question and slept until the exam was over! But then it wasn't a really good sleep coz i was in a sitting position and it was uncomfortable.....:(

later

Today i had my orientation for my nursing program. A good turn out of people showed up. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday. I gotta find out who i'm going to be friends with in the class.

My mom totally pissed me off this morning. I was already bumming that Steven was gone and the first thing out of my mom's mouth when i come downstairs is "did he leave already?" so i replied, as bitchy and best way i know how "yes, did u want to say goodbye him?" it just totally set me off the wrong way.

Steven texted me throughout his morning .. before he left and when he arrived in denver for a short layover. He called me from his special cell phone from the hospital. I just saw some weird number so i knew it had to be him and not some telemarketer.. tho.. he did pretend to be a creditor about why i havent paid my bills.. haha it was cute. He started sounding sad the more i talked to him. I think he misses me. I hope he does, because I miss him. ALOT.

They always say that people come into your life for a reason, whether it be a short time or a long time.. but it all has meaning. I really hope Steven is in my life for a good reason. I am so drawn to him its disgusting almost. His charisma, his attitude, his weird sense of humor.. i am sooo attracted to it. to him. I have felt this good about someone since John- pre drug abuse stage. and to think, that was almost 5 years ago.. that says a lot to me and the way i'm feeling about steven.