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I� am� here��� because� I� have� a� son� I� have� raised� by� myself�� since� 1995� and� what� has� my� EX� done� EXACTLY��� NOTHING.� If� you� want� to� count� moving� from� job� to� job� to� try� to� stay� one� step� ahead� of� me,� so� he� doesn't� have� to� pay� his� Child Support.Because� as� soon� as� he� is� found and� they� start� to� take� money� out� for� Child� Support,� he� either� quits� or� manages� to� get� fired.But� his� one� passion� is� to� sit� in� front� of� a� monitor� and� troll� the� Social� Networking� Sites,� he� has� one� he� particularly� likes,MySpace.And��� he� told� me� this� himself,� that� his� wife� he� married� to� now,� gave� him� her� permission� to� do� so,� because� she� is� unable� to� fufill� her� wifely� duties,� SHE� MUST� BE� CRAZY,RIGHT.So� he� took� her� at� her� word� and� that� is� exactly� what� he� is� doing.And� this� what� I� have� to� say� about� that,I� say� get� yourself� a� job� and� keep� it� and� pay� your� Child� Support.� YOUR� SEX� DRIVE� WILL� HAVE� TO� BE� PUT� ON� A� BACK� BURNER,� OTHER� THINGS� SUCH� AS� PAYING� YOUR� Child� Support� should� be� your� first� priority.But� he� doesn't� see� it� that� way,HE� IS� LETTING� HIS� LITTLE� HEAD� DOING� HIS� THINKING� FOR� HIM.He� would� rather� be� Online� at� MySpace� trying� to� get� to�� someone� to� believe� his� BS. When� we� were� together,I� walked� in� on� him� having� sex� with� a girkl� I� knew� to� be� 14� years� old� and� he� tried� to� explain� away� and� I� don't� care� what� he� said,STAUTORY RAPE� IS� STATUTORY� RAPE.and� now� he� has� a� 14� year� old� girl� on� his� Friends� List� at� MySpace� and� I� want� to� know� what� a� 50� year� old� fat,� ugly� man� would� have� in� common� to� talk� about,hmmmmm.And� the� pic� she� sent� him� of� her� self� is� revealing,its� as� if� someone� took� a� down� the� blouse� shot,� because� all� you� see� is� boobs� popping� out� of� that� blouse.And� when� I� was� a� member� of� MySpace,I� SAID� WHEN,� he� sent� me� PORNOGRAPHIC� PICS� OF� HIMSELF� ENGAGED� IN� SEX� ACTS� WITH� CHILDREN.� I� contacted MySpace and� they� acted� as� if� they� didn't� care,I� also� sent� them� the� pics� he� had� sent� me.Like� I� said� whatever� he� has� written� in� his� profile,� is� not� to� be� believed,� especially� the� line� about� he� wants� to� hear� from� females� 18� and� up A� BALD� FACED� LIE.� I� am��trying �to� let� any� Parent� that� has� a child� there� that� he� is� still� there.This� his� screenname,PleasurePistol� and� his� real� name� is� Donald� Terry� Benson� and� he� resides� in Delaware,Oklahoma.

854 kcals 65 minutes @Healthcity

im in my web design class and i dont really have n e thing to do because this is my first day in the class so im up here...i hope dis class aint wack and my gurl nyasia all up n my business! lol just playin but she is lololol but yea nuthin really to talk about so ima cut it short :)

peace in da middle east!!

She thinks that I don’t see her look at me with disgust and disappointment. I’m not exactly sure how much longer I’m gonna be able to keep my temper. I’ve tried to explain to her the severity of my mood swings. I think she thinks I’m exaggerating. I’m not! I get so angry sometimes that I can feel myself loosing control. I can feel the hatred running rampant through my veins and I’m afraid that one of these times it’s gonna reach my heart and I’m gonna loose it. I personally wouldn’t want to be around when that happens. Mostly because I’ve seen my thoughts…I don’t think anyone would be safe. Then I control myself just in time I think that if I didn’t this would have been over a long time ago. The result of my control is my self loathing process that includes the deep sadness of being as disgusted and disappointed in myself as I know she is. Don’t get me wrong I have my ups. They don’t often feel real. I feel like I’m somebody else watching this normal teenage girl actually being happy. Then I hear myself and the anger making its way to the surface and reality kicks in. So if you think about it my ups aren’t real. They’re a front, a mask of normalcy so people don’t get too involved in my real life. I’m regressing now. I used to be able to keep up a good front no one thought anything and were actually surprised when I revealed some truth but now it’s almost obvious. Of course they don’t know the exact truth. Hell, I’m not sure I even do. But they know how angry I am and how sick and twisted my mind can be. I think it worries some people but they blow it off to the normal cynical, dark minded teenage stage that everyone goes through. Little do they know this has been in me for quite sometime. I’m so angry that even my hormonally triggered fantasies are violent. They of course aren’t like corpses and blood but they are teetering on masochistic. The part that’s worse than the situation itself is that nobody knows. Not even the people that I actually care about.

I am so tired.� But its because I had a good day.� First off today started out with me getting up at like 7:00 to call and wake up my grandmother and she ended up calling me and telling me that she was already awake.� Then my mom and I went and took my brother to school because he missed the bus.� Then we came home got ready to go and take my gram to her doctor's appointment. After that we went to eat at this place called John's Hideaway.�It was good. Then my mom dropped me off at my boyfriends house and I woke him up.� His friend was over and I was cleaning the kitchen.� Then his friend leaves and I was still cleaning the kitchen and I hear this Ashley come here.� So I turn around and there he is sitting on the chair with his pants off and around his ankels and he said just come here.� So then we started kissing and then we moved to the couch.� Oh my god did he put it to me good.��He was pulling my hair and giving it to me just the way I like it.� I wish we could just do this all day everyday but he has kids so its kind of hard to. I have to try and get to his house before the kids get out of school or I don't get and that is the shittiest part of the deal. �But atleast I got today because its been like a week or so since we have had it.� But atleast that isn't all we look for in each other.� I�love him so much.� I�love how he talks to me when he is down and I am able to talk to him when I am down. �He cheers me up when I am crying by cracking a joke or just doing somthing to make me smile.� I hate not being with him.� We don't get to spend much time together since I am living with my mother again.� Though I can say since my last relationship that wasn't that great because of the beatings I can say he has made my life a whole of a lot better.� We have our fights here and there but you know if you don't have a fight or everything is just so perfect then something is wrong and�I don't understand them.� I think though that I need to stop jumping to conclusions and just take my relationship to the fullest because he said if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be with me. �He got his three kids to worry about then worrying about what I am going to pull next.� I don't try to say anything wrong because I am afraid that its going to start a fight and I don't want that.� I have a friend suppose to be coming over but I will believe it when I see it.�

荤老头

�

到底是二十一世纪的中国，昨天走到书店，光天化日之下看到渡边淳一的书一堆堆地明目张胆地占据了书店的一角，我读过他的‘失乐园’，顺手拿起这有名的‘荤’老头的另外两篇力作，一本是‘男人这东西’，另一本是‘紫阳花日记’。除了好奇，我还真想研究一下他的书为何卖的如此之火爆，这荤老头的书有不少露骨的性描写不假，但一定还涉及了其他作家没能力触及的人性更深层的东西，他想让读者拨开人类的面纱对人类的动物性了解的多一些，‘性’恰恰是再合适不过的切入点了。

�

现如今金融危机底下，出版商赚钱不容易，也管不了那么许多，抛开社会责任感之类的冠冕弹簧，大印特印‘性’书，巴不得过两年日本这个挺荤的民族，再出来一个渡边淳二或渡边淳三什么的。

�

星期天的早上，我懒洋洋地泡了一杯芒果茶，坐在阳台上，翻开了《男人这东西》，第一句话是这样写的：无论男性还是女性，成长为响当当的人是极其不容易的，在此我们说的响当当的人指的是无论在肉体上还是在精神方面都健康且成熟的男人和女人。

�

我是学医的搞了几年的社会流行病研究和教学，对WHO的健康的定义太熟悉了，躯体的心理的和社会的健康。还是渡边这‘荤’老头高，他豪不犹豫地把‘躯体’改成了‘肉体’，把社会两字去掉了，但他加上了成熟两个字。毫无疑问，在他看来，一个肉体（性）健康的人，自然是社会健康的个体。成熟两个字加的妙。一个人成功与否幸福与否都与他是否成熟有很大的关系。关键是不成熟的男人女人们不但自己不快乐，还会连累他们周边的人跟着倒霉。

�

看到如上的开场白，就让我觉得我有点把这‘荤’老头看扁了，从他对‘响当当’的定义你会觉得他也好像也有点社会责任感似的。

�

我翻到最后一页，才知道这荤老头还真是荤的彻头彻尾，别人都是劝妓从良，他在老人中推崇‘不良’时尚。他在书的最后是这样写的：

�

总而言之，越是上了岁数，越要多为“不良”之事。老人的“不良”行为可以是日本社会焕发出生机。

。。。。。

�

年轻时的不良，连傻瓜也能做到，但是老者的不良就不那么简单了。

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在此提醒各位注意的是：要想成为不良老人，你要性格开朗，积极向上。

�

写到这里，我很感慨，今天在书店能买到渡边淳一的书真是中国社会的一大进步。在这里我借用一下‘荤’老头的话，社会进步不是看其林立的高楼大厦，是看社会里的人们活的是不是肉体上和精神上健康和成熟。

Today was a long day. First off I didn't get home till about ten o'clock last night from going out to eat with my family.� Then when I�finally got to bed it was almost eleven thirty.� Then I had to be up for work and at work by six this morning.��Thank god that I was only working till twelve but it was still the point that I had to get up and go to work.� Then after that I went over to my boyfriends house and I hung out with him till like an�half hour ago then my mother came and got me because now I am living with her to be able to save up money.� So now I am home and I am beat. �I cleaned my room and i got a shower because my moom's boyfriends bringing some friends home from the club he is in soon.� Well I�am going to bounce for now.�

敦的私房菜

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敦敦正处在每二月长一个厘米的疯长阶段，狂吃但不长胖。在physical 内需驱动下敦敦发明了他的私房菜‘敦式猪扒’。 他先用咖喱粉和从巴哩岛买的地道柠檬草腌制猪扒，然后涂上蜂蜜和黄油。放进烤箱烤3.5分钟，他把烤出来的猪扒端给我品尝，期待地看着我的表情，我第一次吃儿子的私房菜，慷慨地给了八个字：“鲜嫩多汁，超级美味。”。老爸一跨进门，陈大厨就立马呈上自己的拿手菜。享受着老爸高度肯定的眼神。我也可以告别发愁给客人做菜的事了。

�

好厨子都是馋人，发明家都是懒人。又馋又懒的人自然就有可能成为有创造性的大厨。我提出跟陈大厨联营‘敦式猪扒’的动议，将来盈利后5/5分成。这次‘疯’投还真没准名利双收呢。小孩思想非理性，最有条件发明新菜式。好菜都是在非理性的材料搭配和非常顺序下烧成的。第一个烧红烧肉的人，没准是一忙乱，在起锅前把糖错当盐投进了锅。做坏了菜又不舍得扔，就端上了桌，成就了这家喻户晓的传世美食。

I can't seem to figure out how to sign back into here but�I have realized that inbox journal gives me a way to update without having to sign in.� For some reason the password I use for everything is not working.

I don't think I'll be using this any more for that reason.

Oh my god today was a long ass day. I had to babysit my boyfriends kids today while he helped my mom, her boyfriend, brother and gram move all my grams stuff out of the house today.� I hated�that my family didn't do much and he did majority of it.� I think that it is kind of wrong and that they should of done more. �They didn't get back to his house to pick me up till like 6:45p.m and they left at like 12:15p.m.� He did so much that he felt like they didn't do anything themselves.� It is now almost eight o'clock and we are getting ready to go and eat dinner and then i have to come home and get a shower and then i have to get to bed because i have to work tomorrow morning at six.� Thank god though that my mom is going to be taking me in because i am not going to want to get up early and ride my bike in to work.� see i got my permit yesterday and i can't start driving till i get the paper because of the fact that i don't have my birth cirtificate and we can't find that anywhere and my step mom is going to bring it in for me.� but she can't bring it in till tuesday she has a copy of it.� Well soon i will be driving and i am done with my family.� got to go everyone is ready.