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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Jan 2007
9:16 AM EDT

well isnt this sad? the only person i can confide in is a computer. only the computer isntreally a real thing and mythoughts are simply just being read by only me. i am back at college and i am just in a foul mood and i dont want to be here. ive said this so many times before that i dont like it here but what would i rather be doing? i dont ever seem to be able to enjoy the company of others for an extended amount oftime. i just want to go home, wherever that might me. my brother is gone. my sister is married. i dont know my relatives. that just leaves my parents. but im 19. i dont want to have to be one of those sore losers who lives with their parents til theyre 40 years old. but i just cant grow up. and im tired. and im depressed. and it looks like at this point in my life i am never going to truly experience any sort of happiness whatsoever. i am simply justunhappy. nothing makes me truly happy. i feel like myspirits have been beat up and my soul has been tossed carelessly into a blender. i dont know what i am doing here.i dont know what i am doing with my lifeand i dont know where im headed becauseim never okay with myself. and it needs to stop but it wont and i am doomed and this sucks and i feel stuck and trapped and no one can let me out. i cant just decide to have a new outlook on life. no. it doesnt work out that way. icant just switch off and on the way i feel. i feel like crying but i cant because im like a brick wall of empty feelings that dont exist and i know that sounds terribly emo but i guess that just means that im emo and deal. every day is like a fucking war and im getting weaker and weaker. what to do to pass the time? i have no energy left in me. i have no will left in me. i want to be happy but cant. i want to feel alive but thats a foreign concept. this is hard. this really sucks. why cant i enjoy anything anymore? i feel like im alone in my thoughts and in my mind. as far as a heart goes i think its lost or forgotten somewhere andi cant find it. i feel like flipping ape shit. i have noconfidence in myself with what im doing with my life and it is pretty fucking sad. im always worrying. now i am always fearing. because everything seems bad and inevitable. i cant fight it. i cant help myself. i cant help others. i dont know what im doing but i feel like such a loner all the time and it sucks. i just want to crawl into a corner and hide forever.

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3 comment(s) - 03:12 PM - 01/15/2007

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MariPanda 31, Female, Nevada, USA - 17 entries

Jan 2007
6:09 PM EDT

Today, I went shopping with my friend Lynnsey, and we hit 5 stores in 4 hours. It seemed like 16 hours =P You might know Lynnsey on here. Anyway, we bought alot of cute things. (Well, I did. Lulu only got 2 shirts, lol) And that's all for today. OH, and thanks for reading my first entry. P.S. Rest in Peace, J.T. Yorke (Degrassi) I'll miss you!!!!!

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1 comment(s) - 02:40 PM - 02/10/2007

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Brunette Mess 39, Female, Texas, USA - 15 entries

Jan 2007
7:24 PM EST

I am currently snowed in my house and I have been since Friday moring. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, I have alot of time to think. It seems like everyone around me is so sure of themselves and knows exactly what they want. I, on the other hand, have no clue who I am or what I want out of this life. I feel so alone and I don't think anyone out there feels the way I do. I wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed, and start it all over. I am in some sort of a rut. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am lonely. God, the word 'lonely' is like a four letter word in my mind. A few months ago I vowed to give up boys, but now I would give anything for the slighest reaction from a boy. God, I hate myself for saying this, but I feel like such an outcast from society because I am single, and not even close to a relationship. I am in college and it is so much pressure because according to society, you find your soul mate in college....Talk about pressure! If I don't love myself, then how can I love someone else? It's like you dream about the life you want instead of going out in the world and living it. Gosh,I need to get out of this town.....

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jodigirl25 59, Female, Ohio, USA - 40 entries

Jan 2007
8:02 PM EDT

When your soul mate leaves you, by a higher power, is there ever a way that you can go on? Every thought I have, every dream coincides with how it could have been or how it is supposed to be. I have never forgotten my soulmate in 17 years and the memory is so intertwined with the life I have now. But I will never be desired the same way... Never be loved as much...I think that first loves are the ultimate and you will always compare to what your first experiences with it was...

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chanduliar 46, Female, Texas, USA - 16 entries

Jan 2007
6:12 AM CST

Eyes of an opal sea stone.Like When sun hits water it shines in love and hope in a million rays across an endless ocean.That just when he turns around Greens, Purpls, blues brilliantly place with in the windows of layered soul.Even in the deep morbid black of the years past, It shines looking for a connection of light.

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chanduliar 46, Female, Texas, USA - 16 entries

Jan 2007
6:10 AM CST

Don't look at the sun. Cover you eyes, shade you face, and keep tring to look for me behind those glasses. Keep your head up. Look to the sky, feel the heat from the flames of fire that so far away you can't touch me. A loss of sight and feeling cast shades of empty blacks and deep blues on a infante night I shine. Its easy to lose yourself in pure Crystal Stars casted across a calming internal sky by my soul protecter. Pure Crystal are so fragial that they chip a way in not taken care of.Hold one carefully, Such a divin miniral,All you need is one ray of light,that you hide your eyes from. Hold your crystalized piece up in a golden beam, and watch the colors fall like round bottem heavey raindrops in the calm of the storm. Lost in so many colors that run from deep with in a turbulant rivier, that has washed over my eyes. Here is my direction, He can turn liquid skittle into holy water. It so pure no mortal can see. As I wwatch this tital wave move into the horzion of loss and shame, It clear a elegant palett of glitter blues and dull sivers and coffen black. I sit with luner, but you can't see me. A crystal so pure you can see straight through. I over here looking down on you while your looking up with your eyes coverd. 47

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oconfessionario 40, Female, North Carolina, USA - 8 entries

Jan 2007
7:54 PM EDT

I just watched the movie Amelie for the 5th or 6th time. In my opinion, everyone should see that film. And not only see it, but every 3 months or so. Just to be reacquainted with the beauty of life when you notice the small things. I wasn't able to wake up in enough time to go to the little Great Redeemer Episcopal church at the bottom of the hill near my house today. I've only been there once, but I do want to make it a habit, I enjoyed it. Tomorrow is the only free day I'll have in a long time, and I'll be babysitting tomorrow night, so I need to use it wisely. I want to get my room and the rest of the apartment cleaned before classes begin Tuesday and I have barely a spare moment. This semester I have such a busy schedule, classes, studying, 2 jobs, babysitting on the side, and my plan to work out 4 days a week. Plus my goal is to read 50 books this year, which means I need to read 1 per week. I do love it when my life is busy though, and reading a lot helps me not to ruminate! In trying to keep up my goal to eat healthier this year, I made a little 'temptations card'. You know how you can get those little cards at coffee shops where they punch out a number each time you buy a drink and then when all of the numbers are punched out, you get a free drink? Well, I wrote on an index card, Temptations, and then for each time that I resist a temptation instead of indulging mindlessly and feeling worse later, I put a foil star sticker on it, and write the date and a tiny note to the side like 'cookie at work' to represent what I resisted. Then when I fill the entire card up with stars, I will reward myself with something. For xmas, from my boss at work, I got a gift certificate to Target, so maybe when I fill up the card, I will find a way to use it. That way I'm not spending too much money either. I am also trying to spend money more wisely, on things that I really love, that will last and I will cherish forever. There's so many little essential things that I could really do without anyway. Like for instance, diet soda. I may as well break that habit and not spend the money, since it's not doing any real good anyway. Think how much that would add up after awhile. Instead of soda I am going to start drinking iced tea, but unsweetened, and with raspberry tea instead of regular. I think that would be really good. Sugar is so overrated. And such a monster, really. Also I am going to start walking in the mornings again, because I remember I loved that. I feel content, for the first time in a long while.

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SamanthaAlexandra 37, Female, California, USA - 60 entries

Jan 2007
3:38 PM PST

I am sick. This time when I say this I mean physically sick, not a mental self obsorbed petty sick lke before. I was ready for a change. I'm starting to change my outlook on life, at least for now or for the time being. I cut my hair and dyed it darker. It was a good change and a nice step towards the kind of altaring my life needs. I plan on going into the semester with an open mind and a new outlook. I think being sick is my body's way of cleansing itself in attempts to fulfill this new life I have planned, or lack thereof planning. I'm starting to realize I may not live in my fairytale life that I had so many times dreamed up, but I am happy.

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slickboy 37, Male, California, USA - 20 entries

Jan 2007
7:26 PM EDT

Damn I cant believe the favored team the San Diego chargers were beat by the New England Patroits and Tom Brady. At the first quarter the Chargers started out strong with the Mvp and the offensive player of the year, he led rushes in the game with 189. He went stron trough his offensive lineman holes and after 6 plays he scored his first touchdown. The Patoits were not surprise because they knew that they had to shut him down to get a chance to win the game. Tom Brady went to work on his first possesion of the game which led them to kick a field goal which led the score 3-7 chargers in lead. At the second quarter Ladainian and the Chargers scored a field goal which led them 10-3. Third quarter the New England Patroits defensive picked up which led the offense of the Chargers tired and they took advantage of it. The Chargers rushed only 50 yards the third quarter and they scored a td which led the chargers 17-3. Many people thought already that the chargers got the game secure. The Patroits moved the ball which led to another field goal to make it 17-6. At the end of the third quarter tyhe Chargers had high confidence to win the game and many people thought so. New England keep their head up and had the mentality that the game wasn't over and they had 12 more minutes to score and have a big turnover. They stopped the Chargers Offense and the defensive players were having unconduct sportmanship against the linebacker of the San Diego Chargers. Tom Brady led a touchdown with 9 minutes left which he trew a 45 yard touchdown to bring New England a little bit closser. The score was 17- 17 and it was the Chargers ball. Ladanian Tomlinson got furious and started running his offensive which ran most of the time they got the ball to the 40 yard which was fourth down and five yard to go. They kicked the fields goal and made it. The game was in the Chargers hand because they kicked the ball top the Patoits which they got stopped. Tom Brady was shut down by the Charghers defense which was easily taken over my the Chargers Ladanian rushed for 50 yards. There was two minutes left and the Chargers had a bad snap which led to a fumble and the San Diego Chargers could get hold of the football which led to a turnover on the 30 yard line on the chargers side. Tom Brady shined and pass the ballto the 10 yard line and the running back of the Patroits scored to win the game with 10 seconds left. This shocked the Chartgers and Ladanian Tomlinson was mad because he try to shake hands with the Patroits but they didn't care about him at all and got him upset which he discussed in a news conference. The Underdogs won which got the team confidence really high.

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hisredeemed 63, Female, New York, USA - 32 entries

Jan 2007
5:07 AM EDT

NEVER buy a Panasonic camcorder!!! $300 and it's GARBAGE!! Caught a crime on camera and couldn't show it to the police because it wouldn't play back and the criminals are still at large until I find someone with the same type camera to play the tape!!!

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