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Dear Journal,

I am so sorry! i havent wrote in a long time i guess after Disney i was focused on the rest of the summer but guess what? School is in like 2 days eeeppp! I mean im so excited yet nervous cause i dont wanna have classes with breanna i'll die! I mean her face makes me wanna throw up! But otherwise that im good lol uhmm.. i got my schdule but it only showed like 5 classes so my mom classed and they bitched so they didnt send it yet so theres a good chance i have to get it tomorrow at the school which sucks balls. I was talking to josh again a few hours ago and he showed me pics of when he was at work he looked like a 50 year old dude.. I was like umm g2g peace ttyl! But i feel really bad for doing that but i dont know he still likes me after 3 years im like dude leave me the fuck alone. I went to jessicas for like 2 and a half hours which was kinda fun we were telling each other really embarrassing  moments in school and we had a fun time we laughed about it and almost peed in our pants

Yeah.. so tonight is my last night to sleep late so im gonna try to like make the best of it. Im dyeing my hair black tomorrow i cant wait oh my gaa!!! lol dont ask today i said oh my ga and i cant stop [sorry random moment]. I remembered how i used to play cartoonetwork with bre and we would play for hours and hours till it was like 5 in the morningg but im gonna play a game so peacee!

 xo xo BR!ANABAMM

I went to my favorite resturant/bar today for lunch which is a usual spot for me...the down side is it's a usual spot for Adrian too. I walked in and saw her today. This is the first time I've seen her in nearly two weeks. We were the only two people in the whole fucking place. As soon as I saw her I stopped (thought about turning and just leaving)but then Terri my fav bartender said "Hey Klenk, what's up?" So I greeted her but not Adrian and then sat behind her and not at the bar as I normally do. It was wierd. Sat there for a few moments, ordered my food and then she did it: "Hey Klenk, what's up?" My heart sank. I wanted to spill my heart out and be like "I love you and am miserable without you. I want to spend eternity with you." But I didn't. I kept it short and not so sweet. She just got a "Hey" the I resumed drinking my cranberry vodka. She got the hint that I wasn't into talking to her but I wasn't gonna let her ruin my steak and drinks. A few moments went by and I recieved a few texts and I don't think she could stand not having my attention. She turned and said: "Is your wireless working? Mine's not." Again, I wanted to say something sweet to make her smile or say something that only me and her would find funny. But I didn't. I didn't even look at her. I just said "Yep" and resumed eating.

I knew that if I gave in I'd be putty in her hands again. As much as I love her and want to be with her I just keep telling myself that she'll never change.

Lets see.aaron ocana rodriguez junior.well i love you.i honestly truely love you.im sorry for all those timess i started the argumentsss.im sorry for gettn mad and beingg a smartt ass for no reasonnn.but what i love,is that in the end we laugh and act stupid.thatss why i love u.i kno sometimesss i mite not look or act like the best girlfriend.but your honestly the BEST thing that has happend to me.i was lost and confused before i met you.and ever since you came into my life,i figurd out who i'am and why i'am here. im here because of you!im here for you.and all the other people i love and care about.you've changed me more than you know..you kno how to make me cheessyy and make me laugh.and everytime i talk to you,everythingg just feelss so rite.and all the problemss in the world dont matterr.cuz in those momentss all i wana do is be with you.when u hug me close to you,i feel soo warm and happy..i never wana let go.i can talk to you on and on and never stop..but then you kno OUR momss get pissed.Lol.but that dont stop uss.sometimesss i cant look at yur face cuz i get soo cheesy and happy just lookingg at you.yourr soo pure and beautifull,and you dont even know it.i can see the good in you that you dont even know you have.you can do sooo good in yur life,and you will.i'll be there to help you out and cheer you on.i dont need money and stuff,idont need a big house or nice clothes.i told u,as long as iam with you and we're both happy than thatss all that matters.alll i want is for you to be happy and smiling..if your happy than im happy.. everynight i lay awake thinking about you.i think about your smile,how it can brighten my day.i think about your laugh which i treasure with everything. i might not say the rite things or do the rite things but,the rite thing i know how to do is love you! there are so many things i can write about you.but i would write on and on...lets just say your the one.your one,that makes my day.your the one that makes me smile all the time. your the one thats always on my mind.your the one im crazy about. baby i love you...im sorry im not perfect.im sorry if i say the wrong things.im sorry if i bring your day down.im sorry im a little messed up. but youre the reason im here.man,if you werent my everything,id be nothing. before you i was lost and confused.now,i know whats wrong and whats rite. the rite thing,is to be with you always and forever. and the wrong thing,is to hurt you or get you mad. but i promise you!i will not hurt you.you mean tooo much to me to get you hurt. and mad.baby ima try,im trying soooo hard not to get you mad.when youre mad im mad.and having you mad hurts me. always and forever babe.im sorry for everything ive done. but im not sorry for loving you! because your the best thing thats happend to me,im so thankful for you being in my life.thank you for accepting who i'am.we mite be different and weird in our own way.but youre also,everything im not.you're my other half,without you im not whole..you're soooo fckn awesome!i kno you think u make mistakes and always screw things up.well,that goes both wayss.but you kno,at the end,we always fix it and learn from those mistakess.i dont knoww HOW! im goingg to go cali and not talk and see you like i do now.these past few dayss we havent been talkingg as much.and itss killlingg me! i misss you soooo much!and imagine in cali.omg, rite now,all i wana do is hear yur voice and smile..but when im in cali,ima gona be strong not just for me but for us.im not gona give up on uss..i wont.you may waay too much to me to just give up and walk away from.you told me always and forever and i told u until the end.and bby,im keepingg that promisse..no matterr what..remember that song obsesion by aventura. you said was for me.well yep thatss how i feeel..beingg up at 5 in da morningg just thinkingg about yur beautiful face..i can runaway with you and be happpy foreverr.but NOOO,i have ta concentrate on schoool!Lol..but wait!bby,i graduated! ;) hehe,damn yur the one for meee.i love you sooo much,you dont kno how much i care for you.ill love you if u were poor or some hobo.Lol.or if you weighd 300 poundss..but yur ass is getn ta the gym (hehe inside joke).i kno theres ppl out there who tell me ta be careful and watchout,but from who? i know im safe and warm as long as im in your armss...me.you.us,this isnt gona end!i wont let it happen..i didnt choose you over ____,(u kno who) i chose happy over lie.she said she would always be there for me..& what?where is she?best friendss,can forgive no matter what.i guesss she was just to selfish to do that.i KNOW being with you isnt a mistake,if this was a mistake than you wouldnt be on my mind 24/7.you wouldnt be the reason im soo happy and in love..march 28,2008.not only the day we got together,but the day i knew i want to be with you A&F UTD.your 17 im 14.and? your my viejo untill we're viejitoss.Lol..remember i said.sometimess people write the thingss they cant say..well here,bby thiss is how much you mean to me! believe me,i can write soooo much more.like,when im havingg a bad day just talkingg to you makes me so happy.or how i love when u say youre so proud of me,when my own mother doesnt.how u get jeolouss over something thats so stupid.i love how much you care..yess it does get annoyingg,but yess you do care.and how betsy "my lover" helpss you have fun and laugh..bby,ican write on and on..but im sleepy and my fingerss hurt.Lol..bottom line is.i love you.and no matter how far away we are my heart will always be near yourss.i will ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU, a&f utd.i love you,junior.♥3.28.08..finishd on thurs june 5th.at 2:02 a.m

well i havent wrote in here in like a centry...theres so much i gotta talk about...well u knoe that boy i talked about in al mi other entryss well thats was the love of mi life. and i got moved 4rm him :[

im in georgia now and it suxss i miss em soo much..well while i was here i fell 4 this boy chriis and he is so amazing after the hurting of moveing away 4rm walter and loosin em to this other gurl i thought id never love somebody again well i did i fell 4 chirss words dont even describe him he just wowed me the day i met him, so i me and walter had ended up becuming bestfriends again and we started tellin eah other bout erthing and i told em bout chris well i didnt kno hed take that as permission to get anew gurlfriend well he did and now hes wit sum gurh that i think he loves more then me and shes soo much prettier then me thats the sad partt.n me n em promised each other wed end up togehter and wat if he stays with her,,then i lost him :[ i hate the thought of that but i mean i kinda did it. so bak to chris in me we broke upp ok so i had got caught skippen skewl and i was gunna get in trouble so i asked chriz to leave skool wit me and walk me half way sumwhere and now we got in trouble 4 skippin and mi principle is tryin to get em 4 sagatory rape cuz hes 19 soo we had to break up to prevent it ..so here i am hurt and lonely again missen walter and chriss.i mean i realli think im hopeless with boysss. so i stoped worrien bout them now im just focusenen on skool and graduatingg.so georgia aint soo bad now that ive been here.besides that mi dads around godd i dont even wanan start that topic. so im not even gunna well mi hands hurtt lol so ima get offf here

I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

OMG!!!!! I HATE MY GOT DAMN,

CRAPPY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn wtf am I doing..My life is so unbelieveable no1 has a life like me no1..I lose family friends lovers and just everything..Why am O dha only one goin thru dis shyt..Im just not meant to be happy I guess..Damn bitchez tryna take my man..Bitches gon make me hit dha fan bitches juss wanna get me mad but ima be dha last bitch standin wit ya man..Hahaha juss a liddle poem of mines..

Es ist Advent, die Zeit des Wartens.

Warten ist mir verhasst. Ich kann es nicht und ich will es auch nicht. Und doch ist mein Leben davon bestimmt.

Ich warte nachts auf erholsamen Schlaf und angnehme Träume. Ich warte morgens auf die Maschine, die erst aufheizen muss, bevor ich meinen Kaffee bekomme. Ich warte bis das Bad frei wird. Ich warte auf meinen Sohn, der nur noch mal eben den Augenblick genießt. Ich warte, dass endlich Ruhe einkehrt im Haus. Ich warte, dass alle nach Hause kommen, während das Essen im Topf wartet, endlich verspeist zu werden. Ich warte auf die Internetseite, die sich gerade wieder einmal extrem langsam aufbaut. Ich warte auf den versprochenen Anruf eines Freundes. Ich warte darauf, dass mein Sohn einschläft. Ich warte auf meinen Mann. Ich warte auf den Schlaf, der nicht kommen will; mein Geist hält fest am hier und jetzt. Ich warte...

Vergeudete Zeit, verhasste Gefühle, verschwendete Energie. Wieso tue ich mir das an? Ich beneide die Hirten auf dem Felde, denen der Engel plötzlich erschien. Ich beneide die Freundin um die SMS: "Ich bin gerade scharf auf dich...". Auch ich hätte alles stehen und liegen lassen, kein Weg wäre mir zu weit gewesen, um dieses Jetzt zu genießen. Ich freue mich, wenn es am Fenster klopft und mich ein unerewarteter Besucher von meinen Routinen abbringt Ich freue mich an einem schönen Tag, diesen zu planen und zu erwarten ist Qual.

Da halte ich es mit Gitte Henning: "Ich will alles und zwar sofort." Mein Horoskop, das mir ein Bekannter zum Geburtstag schenkte, erwischte mich diesbezüglich eiskalt: "Man wird nie erfahren welches Potential in Ihnen steckt, da sie nie lange genug an einem Ort verweilen." Was tun?, sprach Zeus, sprech ich und weiß doch schon die Antwort.

Lebe den Augenblick, sei ein Kind. Und denke an die schönen Momente, die unverhofft dein Leben bereichert haben. Es funktioniert nicht. Ich will nicht noch mal zwanzig sein, denn all die Prüfungen und Proben, die ich bestehen musste, will ich nicht wiederholen. So gerne ich aber in jenem Moment lebte, so ungern würde ich tauschen mit dem Kind, das all seine Lebenserfahrung noch sammeln muss. Was bleibt?

Werde wie ein Kind, so hat es Jesus einmal formuliert. Das heißt, ich darf meine Erfahrung behalten und muss nur meine Hemmungen und äußeren Zwänge über Bord werfen, dann kann ich hier und jetzt das Leben spüren mit allem, was es ausmacht. Das heißt aber auch Enttäuschungen und Freuden vergessen; mir selbst genug sein; andere um Hilfe bitten, wenn ich nicht weiter komme. Und es heißt wohl auch nervig sein, denn wenn man selbst zum Mittelpunkt wird, dann können sich andere schon mal in ihrer Freiheit bescchränkt fühlen. Doch das darf ich dann ja kindlich naiv abgeben; schließlich sind es die anderen, die einem Kind die Grenzen aufzeigen. Und es heißt auch, ein echtes Leben zu führen, ohne Sarkasmus und Ironie, denn die sind Kindern fremd.

Wie das sein kann? Ich weiß es nicht. Ob es je sein wird? Ich weiß es nicht. Aber ADVENT - er, sie, es kommt an. Vielleicht hilft dieser Blickwinkel. Es ist wohl weniger die Zeit des Wartens, sondern die Zeit der Erfüllung und des Erfülltwerdens. Wenn ich nun warte auf die Erfüllung, ist das wohl wieder falsch. Doch ich kann und will jetzt und sofort im Augenblick die Erfüllung entdecken und erspüren. Vielleicht klappt's und ich spüre ADVENT!!!