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Saturday - Mar. 17, 2007
- 11:34 AM - EDT
- #25
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i dont know what it is with me but i feel alone and scared. my parents are giving me a hard time for not wanting to go to join a gym or something. i havent even been home for 24 hours and theyre already giving me so much shit. i cant tkake it and my head feels like it wants to explode. i spent most of this morning having coffee and cigarettes outsie in the subzero temperature because i wanted to numb myself- literally -from thinking and worrying and now all this thinkin and worrying is getting to me. so i eventually came back and huddled my stuffed animal by the corner of the wall looking at an art book staring at a picture of monterey bay. i felt like i was going to pass out. i havent eaten yet today and i dont really feel like eating anything. im too emotionally stressed out. its just so hard for me to get up and do things and when people force me to just do it i feel like i want to kill myself. i just need help and i need it now. and help isnt coming. i think i should ask my parents for the psychologists number but then again they probably wont give it to me because they, as it has been for the past several years, want me to try other alternatives to helping myself. obviously exercise alone isnt going to get rid of my problems. along with acupuncture. along with herb medicine. along with church. along with books i cant even finish. along with trying new things. going new places. my inner devil will always catch up with me wherever i go and i am simply sick of it. what good has self medication done me so far?? i'm halfway in the process of getting lung cancer, i pushed away all the friends i ever had, i cant wake up in the morning without wanting to scream and cry. i've become so self centered that i cant even help those around me who need it (my brother who is now gone), i quit school because i couldnt think straight or function, i have dug myself so deep down this hole and i cant get myself to let alone even stand up or try to get a shovel to dig myself out just with exercise. why are they so blind? why dont they understand me? they dont. not to the least bit. and i am alone. alone in this world. alone in my thoughts. the mind can be a lonely place. i can feel the sting in my eyes because if i dont sit down and write/type it out i cant think in cohesive phrases. i will just get lot and frustrated even more than i already am and its just hell all over again. i cant take it. i cant take it. i cant take it. my head feels like it wants to explode. i am drowning in a pool of hopelessness and nobody around me knows how to swim. they all just sit on the sidelines and see me frolic and flail just as i have for the past 6 years and do absolutely nothing about it. some try, and they end up giving up because i am hopeless. i cant even stand up most of the time, how can thye expect me to walk? or let alone even run? the world i live in is a fast faced pace and everything is a fucking race. a fucking marathon. and i am a cripple (im speaking metaphorically but you get my point...or do you???) i am just tripping and falling and i cant get up. i need help. and my parents aren't a nurturing environment for the problems that i have. i dont even understand most of why i am the way i am. maybe i should just shut up and deal and get by day to day without thinking. thats what i did for the first half of last semester. but the inner devil caught up with me. it made me do stupid things. it made my suppressed bad thoughts 10 million times louder and now i can't tell whats real and whats not. i mean this emotionally and mentally. i can still decipher the real world, im not crazy just yet, but i get so lost in my own thoughts and i cant run away from me because i will always catch up. maybe im just insecure. maybe im just a loser. mayube im just a failure. maybe i dont deserve anything in this world. maybe i should just shut up. but i cant. the only way i can get myself to shut up is if i kill myself but that would be a last resort. i am so stupid. nothing in my life ive done is worth honoring. ive made some terrible mistakes and i never cease to embarass myself when i try to fit in or open up to others. i am thoroughly ashamed of my existence. and i am not worthy of being worried about by others...which i am not.. only my parents care about me and they dont know how to help me. i dont really have any real friends. only the people that i left behind in my old hometown and back at college that i cease to keep contact with anymore. why? because there is nothing to talk about. i am a boring person. i cease to bring forth anything to the table. i wish to change myself but i somehow cant because i lack the will and incentive. perhaps i do ahve incentive but i dont know who i am anymore if i ever did in the first place and lots of what i say or think or do repeats itself and gets worse every time i do it. god. i cant take it. i just want to be happy and have a normal worry free life. i know this isnt achieveable because life istn easy and i am too weak to do anything right...or do anything at all. so i will just sit here and rant on the computer to no one but myself and it really isnt doing much.
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Friday - Mar. 16, 2007
- 8:42 PM - EDT
- #23
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I just came home from NY today. I think I gained a ton of weight. I've been gaining so much weight over the past few months it's sickening. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, and going out in public is my own worst nightmare. I need to see a therapist because I have a multitude of unsettling issues that I haven't dealt with properly and it's severely dragging me down. I just want to know how to live again, if i ever did know. All I have ever known since entering my adolescent years is how to be vain, impulsive, fake, negative, obessesive, depressed, and self-destructive. I've cut out almost everyone from my life and currently live with my parents now that i've left college. I plan to ultimately go back this fall but i don't want the same mistakes to happen again. The reason I left school was because i got lost in my own set of delusional worries and inability to function and cope day to day. I didn't let anyone know the real me and i had a falling out with my one best friend who did. I am just thoroughly lost.I don't care much for myself, but if i want to stay alive, i need to make it somewhat bearable. I wanted to find an apartment in new york where i could stay but it's just impractical and i've forced myself into the overbearing grasp of my semi-psychotic mother. I've lost my sense of humor. I've lost my sense of self. I don't know what i truly enjoy anymore other than smoking like a chimney, bingeing like a fat cow, and burrowing my mind into believing a bunch of supernatural ideas that give me incentive to keep on living. I'm just such a mess. I feel like i'm devolving. I really need help but my parents can't help me. They're against western medication, and most of all psychologists and don't want me to get professional help. They've put me through a series of herb doctors and chinese acupuncture. 2 months and hundreds of dollars later i just find myself back at square one. It feels as if i am going nowhere in my life. Its probably because im not. I'ma young 'woman' and i feel like i should be out socializing and having fun. But i might as well be dead. I'm an antisocial, obsessive, scatter-brained freak and i don't have anyone left in my life except for my parents and sister who have to put up with me. I have an older brother who killed himself my first week into college and i sadly suppressed that through a fake forced mask of independence all throughout my first semester. I ended up silently collapsing through starving myself down to 108 pounds and eventually driving myself into seeing a con-artist and fell into a deep pit of delusional thinking. 2 months after thatreality stabbed me in the back and i dropped out of school and don't really know what the hell i am doing anymore. Sometimes i catch myself in the middle of the day thinking that this world, this life, me...isn't real. Because it doesn't feel real. Years ago i never would have imagined myself like this when i was an innocent dreamer. I did well in school...i did well in every aspect of my life...i was an overachiever...i was a perfectionist (and still am but in a much different way) but at least i was dutifully doing myself well and forcing myself into the mold i had ever so fabulously created until i eventually dragged myself down into a dark hole of destruction. I know i sound lame. It's probably because I am lame. I became a messy failure after my first year in highschool and never really got over feeling sorry for myself and indulging in self-pity. My father worked out of town most of the time and i barely spent time with him or talked to him. My sister was in college and tactfully escaped the realm of our dysfunctional family. I was pretty much stuck in highschool with no real friends and doing poorly but hardly well enough to scrape by. I would come home to my straight-laced, bible-obessesed, borderline psychotic chinese mother having a fight with my 24 year old schizophrenic brother screaming and threatening to kill himself every week. It wasn't exactly a nurturing atmosphere, nor a positive one. It has been this way since i was 12, only throughout middleschool i still had my sister and dad around to keep things somewhat stable. But once they left i slowly lost any sense of stability. I developed an eating disorder. I starved myself down to 95 pounds by the time i was 16 and then shot up to 150 pounds in only 4 months after that. I hated myself so much. I still do. I wasn't strong enough or sane enough or patient enough to be of any good to my mother and brother. As a matter of fact i put up a front of appearing to hate them both up til a year ago. I hated life. I hated everyone. I mostly hated myself. I thought going off to college would be an opportunity to start a new life and run away from my family and ultimately from myself until my first week into my escape plan did my brother jump off a 12 story building downtown when everyone in our family had abandoned him. It was an awakening. We all felt guilt and blamed ourselves...we all still feel this way only we keep it more to ourselves on a subconscious level because if we, or at least i, allowed myself to constantly face the truth that i am a cruel and awful, insensitive person that could have prevented my own brother from killing myself and confront the guilt i would ultimately end up killing myself. I have come close to that. I sometimes...most of the time..dont even bother trying to help myself because whats the point? I'm a bad person with a bad soul (if there is a god) and i deserve to rot in hell for this. I don't deserve life. I don't deserve everything. I only think about myself and don't bring any good into this world. **Okay i need to change the subject or else i am going to emotionally breakdown and want to hurt myself. Anyway...i am trying to find a job but no place wants to hire me since i'm a mess whether i try to cover it up or not. My mother is forcing jazzercize classes on me every morning and its not my cup of tea at all. I just want her to leave me alone. I just wish my parents didn't care about me so much. I am a hopeless case. I only bring them down, and they more they cling on to me the more i just want to run away. I can't stand emotiona affection. I dont know why exactly. But i can't smile. I can't hug people or be hugged without wincing. I think its because i'm crawling unconfortably in my own skin, in my own mind, in my own heart that's so porous nothing is really there except for some lost estranged hope that everything would be perfect someday but we all know thats not going to happen in this sick cruel world full of people just like me who only care about themselves and can't help others worth crap. I have went through many different attempts to make myself a "good" person but it only turns out for the worst when i realize that i'm just full of crap for thinking that i can just magically change myself overnight. I feel as if i should shift my focus upon intellectual or educational growht. Turns out im pretty effed up in that respect as well. I mean who was the one who dropped out of art school? Me. Who can't make it past one chapter in a book without their thoughts drifting into senseless worrying? Me. Who can't form normal relationships with people because they feel alien to everyone and everything around them? ...Me. Me me me. F ucked up me. I hate myself so much. I just don't know what to do without myself because i've tried everything and i've only ended up 10 miles behind the starting line when i try to make it to the finish line. I can't explain this hell. If i try it will only end up in circles. I am falling into a downward spiral and i can't stop myself. I am stuck in cement. I am asphyxiating myself in quick sand. I am drowning in useless emotions. I am killing myself when i dream at night. I am slowly becoming more crazy. I can't sit upright. I can't speak a full sentence without shi tting myself. I can't go a day without clearing out the entire fridge. I can't. Can't. What is life? WHo the hell am i? What the hell do i want? What am i doing? What am i worth? What is the point?
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Sunday - Jan. 28, 2007
- 9:48 AM - EDT
- #21
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"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination
nor both together go to the making of genius. Love,
love, love, that is the soul of genius." - Mozart
it recently dawned upon me that my extreme lack of
security is a major cause of myirrational, astray
thoughts. it got so bad to the point i had to leave
school. i just always wanted to be great. as a child i
was always 2nd or 3rd to my siblings. growing up in
grade school, i was always the chubby asian girl. i
went to 5 different elementary schools. i was social in
the first couple. but with time i grew to be extremely
introverted and antisocial. these traits dont go away,
they only grow in unexpected ways. today i stand with
the immense fear of failure. failure to prove that im
good enough. failure to be skinny and pretty, two
things of which i was never called when i was tounger.
at one point i turned anorexic when i was 14, everyone
liked me all of a sudden, and i dated the guy that
every girl drooled over. i grew ever so clingy to this
period. if i gained a single pound i believed
everything would fall apart. the truth is that i grew
so withdrawn and irrational in my thoughts that he
ended up dumping me. i got so depressed and wallowed in
all the negativity life had to offer me. i dropped out
of highschool for a year. i even considered stalking
him but didnt. once an honor rolll student i because a
drop out. i just was overwhelmed by the fact that i am
not perfect. i just wanted to be great in spite of the
fact i am just average. i never learned how to cope or
deal with the fact that my talents dont lay in
superficiality and diets and makeup. my talents lay in
arts and creativity, i am a sensitive and emotional
person. i went to a top art school as a freshman this
year until the suppressed irrationality caught up with
me, triggered perhaps by my brother's sudden demise of
ending his life, perhaps by trying to drop 30 pounds
(which i did after 2 months but gained it all back
shortly afterwards, experieced my short-lived fame) it
always seems to go this way every ime i try to better
myself through new situations; i always back out. i
always lose my health and then my sanity. i just can't
or couldnt, rather, hold on for another single second.
through the process i found some great many people that
appreciate me regardless of how much i should hate
myself, but my health was deteriorating at smoking a
pack a day and eating nothing but fat and sugar. i
couldnt get myself to step out into the frigid cold and
get to studio classes. i was rapidly losing myability
to function, and was doing poorly in my mission to
conquer it or fight it so i was weakened so much to the
point i just had to give up.
and this is my rationalization.
i seriously need psychiatric help.
there is something wrong with me and it is affecting my
life in negative ways...affecting my life in such a way
i can't experience happiness (living, going to school,
getting good marks, interacting with open-minded and
creative people)
i am tempted to cry over it. to wallow over it. to
cling to every moment and every memory i made there. to
cry and hate myself over the loss. to get caught up in
the past.
but then i realize this is only part of my
irrationality, my hyper sensitivity, my inflated
emotional state during a period of loss or its
opposite, which is the fear of anything going wrong
during a period of everything going right which usually
doesnt happen to often but it did believe it or not for
a very short period of time. the collapse of it
contributed to my current state.
i could say i am in an utter state of despair. i could
say i am depressed. i could say i am worthless, fat,
ugly, failure, and i need to die.
or i could realize that i am just average. i am capable
of doing above average, but lets face the facts...i am
not supernatural. i cant resort to irrational thoughts
as a way of thinking that it will somehow fuel to my
ability and make me perfect and great. i am average. i
should not think superficial thoughts, there is nothing
that can really be done. i need to be rational and
realistic. optimism and pessimism are all relative.
those are all a reflectiong and product of my happiness
or lack there of, so i cannot pick the product without
having attempted the factor, you know?
i plan to return to school spring of 2008. but for now
i need to get help...mental and physicla and emotional.
i also need to focus on not wallowing. i need to focus
on quitting smoking. i need to focus on not being
caught up in the past. i need to focus on not feeling
sorry for myself all the time. these thoughts are all
unrealistic and con against me. these thoughts are
worthless and simply not worth being sadover. if i must
be ruthless then thats fine. if i must be considered
unkind or a bitch thats fine too.
i realize i am not a nice person if i dont force myself
to me. the only problem is that i resort to thinking
irrationality in order to be kind and loving. and i
just simply cant do that anymore. does that make me a
bad person?
i am certainly not afraid of death but i should stop
embracing it. i should at least try to withstand from
going completely insane. the problem is that after my
brothers death i was open and willing to lose it
completely. life didnt matter. people didnt matter.
sanity didnt matter. i got what i wanted for a short
period of time but ended up where i am now.
i need this time off to heal my mind and my heart. i
need this time to get mylife together. nobody will ever
understand that, and they dont have to. as long as i
kinow whats right for me, that is comfort in itself
enough.
i need to stay busy.
this week i will look for jobs in the city and explore
the city and the metro system.
today i will help my parents unpack. i will maybe go
apply for jobs but it is very unlikely.
tomorrow i call MICA for transfer information.
this week i need to see a doctor...
i just want to et well.
i just want to be happy.
i just want to be myself and who i am meant to be for
the sake of me.
i am so sick of being so far away fromwho i really am.
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