uns3ttl3d's Journal

Dec 2006
7:07 PM EDT

I realized that intelligent people suffer. Stupid and dumb people don't suffer as much because they're too slow...too blind...too unwillingly oblivious to so much around them. But what is the point in a life full of enjoyment when you learn nothing from it? You learn through suffering. Be ready to openly embrace it because it's all you've got. I really can't stand taiwan. its so effing dirty everywhere. i cant keep my mind at ease. everything is so compact and dingy and it hurts my mind and eyes. i just want out. it sucks. i realize that i cant really be in a healthy relationship of any sort with anyone. i overanalyze people's motives too much. and i guess its best for me in my own defense, but damnit, i wish i could be stupid sometimes because i'm not really enojying one ounce of life at all. life is pain. life is loss. life is null. life is void. life is suffering. sure theres a few sprinkles of happiness and butterflies, but those only last for so long until they're ruthlessly stripped away from you. i just feel like such a wimp. i want to take on the pain and suffering and lessons but its just too hard. im weak and i further weaken myself through acknowledging its existence. life right now just feels like an ever increasing itch on the lowest and most hard to reach spot in the middle of my back and my hands are tied. im governed by emotions that i do not allow to exist because in defense i realize that they will only mess me up just like everything else. perhaps i am a cynic. perhaps i am overly cautious. they say a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. they say the brave may not live for long but the cautious dont live at all. i beg to differ. optimism and happiness come with a lot of ignorance and blindness to most things in life, but primarily the truth. and its sad that anyone ever had to come up with those quotes that are so inevitably false, for the most part. brave people are stupid. optimism is highly overated. cynics are cynical for a reason. behind every cynic was a long period of questioning. questioning in response to observing. great amounts of keen observation to suffering. to pain. to love and to its subsequent loss. to ignorance. to lies and to its close brother conformity. there is so much going on in this sick sad world. in this society. in this culture. in this world which is declining in every way possible. cynics...they are aware of all of the above and instead of finding the easy way out, as in partaking in the destruction of this world, they sit this one out. they are themselves. they do the one thing that inhibits the hearts and minds of many great but stupid people out there: and that, my friend, is thinking. they think. they question. they take all they see and hear and observe into consideration and the end result is the cynical truth. perhaps it isnt the full truth but it is the closest to truth that any mortal being can ever hope or dream of achieving. and that is why stupid people should just shut it and die. ok i take that back. im not saying im smart. i definitely dont think im dumb. perhaps i give myself too much credit and i am actually going completely nuts and dont know what the hell i am talking about. but i will tell you this: i have obliterated most of my human emotions and feelings and functions in hopes of understanding the root of the ultimate truth of just truth in general. about everything. i have no happiness. no love. no emotion but a profound disgust to the world around me. i feel an occasional twinge of guilt for being coldhearted or insensitive or inconsiderate, but what part about leaving me the hell alone don't people understand? seriously. its bothersome. i may seem crazy or off kilter. but there is a reason behind all of this. behind every remorseful beat of my shattered heart behind these fingers typing away to the sound of my unsettled mind that is fueled by my nonexistent soul-my hollow shell- my hollowed out shell from years of pain and confusion. from a continual loss and then a final and sudden crash of the one who i would find it best to relate to at this point in my time but he is lost and gone forever. his whereabouts i do not know. all i know is that his ashes lay on my desk somewhere in brooklyn, new york and i continually seek advice from unreliable sources to find some meaning or bit of truth behind existence in general. ive taken a great deal of time observing the social world around me. the prime source of peoples pot-bellied egos they try ever so hard to hide or deny but it is blatently transparent they they only seek to fulfill themselves. how this sick world full of sick people contributed to the destruction of the one and only innocent soul that i have ever known...since birth...this soul that was once part of my flesh and blood. this soul that people ignored and tormented and hurt. this soul that was misunderstood and labeled and discriminated. this soul that fought and fought until he was so weakened by the cruel world around him that he could fight no more. with heart and mind like that of a newborn baby at the age of 24. that one august 23rd afternoon on a wednesday when his very own family shut him out and ceased to care about his existence at all. to comprehend the pain and suffering...the tears and dying emotions that this tormented soul was going through is to look into a rock- filled shore and count all the pebbles 24 times over. to look into the sky and explain to mankind why the sun is there. why the world exists. why the universe is there. to explain all the mysteries of the universe and delve deep into the great and unknown. the infant could take no more. with a heart so heavy it had ripped itself right out so long ago. i could have been one of the many able to put it back in and contribute a single stitch to this mile long wound...and to understand why i did not...and to realize that i was one of the many to contribute to this complete and ruthlessly disgusting destruction to this innocently wingless bird is enough for me to want to take my own life. this baby always spoke of freedom. he did not blame those many who have done him wrong. he did not seek revenge: he was selfless. he waited and waited for the help that would never come. one afternoon in a high rise apartment of the downtrodden city of colorlessness and history of dead memories he would open the window and open his eyes to realize that he was blind from all the pain that the world has brought upon him. blurry eyed vision from all the tears that we;ve wrought upon him. instead he tried to lift up his wings and fly from this world unworthy of having him, but midway through this heart- wrenching endeaver did he not realize that his wings had been clipped. rock-a-bye baby fell. with no cradle. with no all. rock-a-bye baby fell all alone. we are all guilty for singing him a lullaby so poisonous that he would never wake up again. we are guilty. i am guilty. this lullaby, ear-shattering and potent, was silence. it was ignorance. it was selfishness. it was denying someone of life who needed it most. it was denying an innocent child the right to go out and play on a sunny afternoon and instead locking them in a dark room and punishing them for something they did not do, but what you yourself have been guilty of committing. rock-a-by baby did not have a cradle because we never gave him one. we are all the guilty selfish parents. we are all guilty. we are all the dead ones. we are all selfish and cruel bastards. rock-a-bye baby did not deserve any of this. we should all learn a lesson from this but we won't and we will never change for this is life and this is the way of man once he loses his childlike innocence and steps into the world of corruption and hate. this is the way of life. this is the way of man. this is the way of the world. this is the way of the path of destruction we have set layer upon layer of brick upon brick of foolish act after selfish act on this unstably firm jagged road we are so thoughtlessly proud of. we the world. we the man. we the fools. we the selfish bastards. we. we. we are all unworthy. we all threw away our sense of love and innocence long ago so we could only think about ourselves through acts of greed and vanity. we are unworthy of baby. although a better world may not exist, at least baby is no longer in this one. He deserved so much more, and i am a worthless and selfish person. Life has no meaning. I've lost the will to find this meaning long ago. I continue to search for empty hope in scraps of this dumpster but the efforts are futile. if there's anything i've ever learned is that there is nothing that can be done. if there is anything i have ever learned it is that hope is empty in a world like this. if there was anything i have ever learned in a world like this it is that there is no hope for change. there is no hope for change in a world like this i have learned because man is the devil. man is the devil because there is no reliable source behind religion or heaven or hell. heaven or hell do not exist because man is the absence of life. man is the absence of life because he is the one who destroys nature. he is the one who destroys life...innocence. he is the one who inherently possesses the empty desire to take and take until there is nothing left. this is the way of life and of man. the strong do not survive, only the weak. the strong flee to a refuge that does not exist for the weak have hoarded all of it to themselves. this is the way of life and of man. it is unfair. it is unjust. there is no hope. if there was ever a god, he must have forsaken us all for reasons all too self- rxplanatory. this is life. life is death. life is a vicious cycle that leads to nowhere. no use crying over it. the death of all emotion is only one step closer to a nonexistent truth, but it is a step nonetheless. taking ones own life is all too tempting but the one element that keeps this lifeless body going through the monotonously empty motions day in and day out, over and over again, is the search and scavenge for the tiniest scrap of hope that there is hope, and this alone is a cause worth fighting for.

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

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