Prissy

When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.

When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.

Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.

Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.

There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.

Maybe it's the solo piano I'm listen to that's getting me all reminiscent and remorseful. I just can't help thinking how sad my life has been. And I'm afraid I'm going to wallow a little.

Since I can remember I've always been unhappy. I was sick a lot when I was growing up. I always remember yearning to fit in with my peers. That never happened for some reason. I even remember wanting to hang out with Danny. And nice as he tried to be, he couldn't help going with the flow. I almost think it had to do with my being encouraged to be content with being a loner. Mom and Dad were just like that. They don't have any friends at all, not people that they see eye to eye with. Not people that they can sharpen themselves with. But then perhaps it's all an idea, a euphoric glance at someone else's life. Maybe it's just not real.

So let's give it a shot at being ok with who I am. Who I've been for 30 years. This girl that was good at sports, academics and music as long as she was cheered on (by a very significant individual). I see a trend at work, and at home now. Ideally I would want to be unshakably content. It's understandable to have some insecurities. Or maybe I just need to Boo Hoo and Poor Me for a little while each time it happened. And then move on. But that would only be appropriate in the confines of the nest. The place I called home. At this time, that's Ryan's appartment.

Where are all these thoughts coming from? I think they've been underlying for a while. But tonight's events definitely triggered a bit of a personal emotional outburst.

Just like Allison, many others have questions about where I'm from, and why I don't have a stereo-typical Indian accent. I really think I need to prepare myself before some rendezvous. I am who I am. I look the way I look. I speak the way I do. There is nothing that can change that. I can't take a class to change that. I don't hang out with many Indian girls or guys. So that's that. And why would I change to accomodate someone else's unanswered questions. I will educate them about my upbringing, and leave it at that. That's the only thing to do. Then they can decide if they want to be friends or not.

As for Ryan. His part in this is apparent for the moment. Time will tell if he's into me for the long run. Or not. I can only hope. Because I am falling for him. It's not like I don't guard my heart a whole lot. I let people in to sensitive places all the time. And it hurts sometimes. Especially since I'm only just now (at 30) learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

Personal Goals: I must say it does help to not procrastinate. At the same time striking a balance of not overcrowding my to-do list.

Oh yeah. Focus on others as people, not as critics or judges. They have what you need. And you have what they need. That's how it works with people. People need people. It's just 6 Billion of us on the planet. No other species that has equal relatability. There are finer details. It's not as general as it sounds. But that is the bottom line.

I'm going to stop this once and for all.
I really can't be open with people. It just seems like I let them in a certain way, and they end up giving me extra advise. It's more like, I can't tell them what I'm feeling or my perspective without coming across arrogant.
A few times it's happened where I I voiced my opinion and was soo scared it would backfire, but it really ended up being ok. And the other party seemed to take it well, they just needed a bit of time to process the information about me.
I gotta conquer my fear and step out there. And I gotta know it's not going to be a bother at all. It's just good old honesty - the best policy is what they say.

Ok, so tonight it looks like a jazz night and me time.
Maybe Robin will come over or I'll meet up with him or whatever.
He said he's getting smashed. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as I do what I want. I might just want me time. Just sit at Jazz minds, soak in the music and sip on my one drink.
It seems so hard to meet good people in Hawaii. But that's just what they say. I think I'll be alright.

K, time to take a shower and head out.