madhousewife's Journal

 
    
27
Mar 2007
3:22 PM EDT
   

My son is feeling better. Poor kid. He doesn't smoke, do drugs, barely drinks, and has been cutting his sugar and caffiene, and boom , illness. He has an appt with a cardiologist next week.
I worry about my kids ,even though they are all grown. It makes you made when you are growing up and your parents see you as their babies. Then you hold your own little miracle. No matter how old they get you see your child. I try to give my kids the respect and props they deserve for being such wonderful adults, and take a lot of pride in them and all they do, but...... No matter what else I see my babies.
It's hard being a parent, and I try to keep that in mind with my own mother. I don't think we have ever truly liked each other. She never trusted me or gave me any respect, and she was always hateful. Maybe like me, she suffers from depression, but is too stubborn to admit anything or ever seek help. I don't know, but I have spent my life trying to not be like her. Giving all my best to others, and treating me own like they don't count. My kids are my heart, and readon for being!
1 comment(s) - 08:18 PM - 03/27/2007
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25
Mar 2007
3:50 PM EDT
   

What a morning!! My husband woke me to say my youngest had called and thought he was having a heart attack. We ran over and rushed him to the hospital. He has STV which is an abnormal heart rhythm and he will probly have to be on meds the rest of his life. Such an awful feeling for a parent.
He's tired, but feeling better and he's home, so a happy ending.
1 comment(s) - 08:41 AM - 03/27/2007
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24
Mar 2007
2:19 PM EDT
   

Not having such a good day. : (
Not to cool when ones own mother calls you a bitch. Of course under the breath, thinking my hearing is as bad as her own.
My mother is not a nice person. Oh sure, she does nice things, but she keeps track. She will let everyone know what she did for you so all will say how special she is. To their faces she can be a really nice person, but when they turn their backs she plants a knife. No matter how much you do for her, she will take any slight and hold it above all else. Example....
My daughter has a son three years ago. There were a lot of medical issues, all were tired ect. My mother and his were both at the hospital visiting. Both went to leave at the same time and he gave mom her coat and said she could go, but his mom would stay. Shoot the boy, he wanted afew minutes alone with his mom. She brings that up like a shield saying it's the reason she dislikes him. In the meantime the guy paid for and installed a new water pump for her, fixed her washer, and many other things she neglects to mention.
Anyway I got tired of it and made comments on how he probly wanted to spend time with his mom ect. Due to fact I wasn't outraged at his treatment of her 3 yrs ago, she called me the b word and quit talking to me. I am tired of her treating everyone that doesn't bow down to her like garbage. Something has got to give. Either we will have it out, or I am moving out.
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23
Mar 2007
5:12 AM EDT
   

The new baby was born the 21st. He has a head full of black hair and a very quiet disposition, so far. She's suppose to have her tubes tied, I sure hope so. With three kids they have a rough enough time.
I have been picking up extra hours at work. I am hoping to go full time , as a cook ,in august. I enjoy the work , I have always loved cooking. I also like working with the seniors. I like working where people know who Roy Rogers was and some of the other oldies but goodies of my childhood.
I have got to start doing something about my weight. Not only losing wise but I feel better when I exercise. I was doing yoga for a while and that helped in a lot of ways. I alwaays go back to sitting in front of the tv with my yarn and crochet hook. I know part of the problem is the late night snacking, such a bad habit. It goes back to when I was a kid. Mom worked nights so during the day I had to be very quiet. I'd sit within inches of the tv, playing barbies, and eating. I have to find something I can do as soon as I get out of bed. I'll be making plans. I want to be a live and healthy to enjoy my grandbabies.
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19
Mar 2007
3:43 PM EDT
   

I have a headache.
My son has a daughter with an ex girlfriend who lives in Ohio. She has been real good about letting me have my granddaughter for weekends on occasion. My son pays his child support, but much to my dismay it's about all he does. I highly doubt he writes to her, calls, sends cards, ect. Since then he has married and has another daughter, and a son due this weekend. He is trying to lower his support since it was based on a single , no kids, higher paid job time in his life. I believe this is causing the ex to exclude us. She won't return any contact I try to make. I know she just moved into a new house, but have no idea where. I do not want to be put into the middle. I worked hard to get along with her, even though I don't really like her. It caused a lot of grief with my daughter -in-law, but I will due what I need to do to see my granddaughter. My son pays his support and yet makes no move for visitation.
I know not all do, but how can people walk away from their child esp when they start "new" families. He buys for his daughter, and her son all the time, and never the elder daughter. I told him I hope the ex does find a nice guy to be in her live and a daddy to my granddaughter. I am so frustrated with him.
Once again I feel like running away. We have a raffle going on in Michigan right now. My family and I went in on acouple for a shared split, but I have one none of them know about. A part of me hopes for a secret win and to run away just leaving a note behind. I think a quiet cabin in the middle of nowhere with no tv, no phone, just peace and quiet and lots of books to read. It costs nothing to dream.....
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16
Mar 2007
4:35 AM EDT
   

I don't think I have "enemies". There are some that may not like me, and some I may not like. There is nothing written that you have to like everyone.I TRY to go through life doing no harm to others treating people how I want to be treated. I guess thats why the thing with Amy makes me feel so bad.
I had a bad time with my mother-in-law up until the day she died and even beyond. I try to follow the saying"if you can't say something nice....." so I still have nothing to say about her.
My son and Amy probly should have never married. If you saw the pics taken at the wedding both looked miserable. After the fact each admitted they had thought about not doing it. She was always not well, telling lies, calling my husband to complain about our son, wanting our son to ask for money ect. If you call to see how the kids are feeling , she's feeling worse than them. She is pregnant right now and due any day. At the beginning she started telling us stuff was wrong with the baby to get sympathy. Once my son started going to all the appts we found out the baby was fine. I am going to try to start fresh and make an effort to get along better. Hopefully this summer we can go camping together and spend time away from my own mother.
I have been married 32 yrs. My kids do not know any of my husbands family. We all live in this small suburb and have no contact. I don't want the same for my grandkids so I have to make a change!!
1 comment(s) - 11:02 AM - 03/16/2007
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12
Mar 2007
11:13 AM EDT
   

I went to the baby shower yesterday for my daughter-in-law. It sounds odd, I don't like her, but I want to. I know her childhood was a bit odd , and I try to take that into account. She has caused a lot of trouble within the family with lies. She left her baby to run with the fair because she didn't want my son to go anywhere without her. She's jealous, insecure, and wants all the attention on her. She is not good with my sons daughter from a previous relationship. It makes it even harder when I don't have my own home and my Mom hates her.
Mom has never been easy to be with, but the dementia makes it even worse. The paranoia, forgetfullness ect are hard to deal with when she gets going. It is exhausting trying to keep up with conversations between her and others, and information she didn't understand and I have to explain, or she forgot. My sister tells her something and then has to call me to repeat, because Mom always gets it wrong. I'm tired!!! She isn't bad enough I could get away with respite care, and she won't go anywhere without me. I am hoping once spring comes I can get out atleast once a month to camp.
1 comment(s) - 02:16 AM - 03/14/2007
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10
Mar 2007
5:39 AM EDT
   

Since I just got up I guess waking up counts. At my age with my family health issues it can be amazing that it occured.
I am a jack of all trades, master of none. While still in high school I went to beauty school and learned to do hair. I tried to switch and take classes to be a social worker, but my councelor wouldn't okay it. I married at 17 and became a mom . When my sister divorced she decided she and I would go to a bartending school. I did well, but then went to Germany with my husband and that was that. There I ran my own day care which required a lot of classes and certificates. Once back in the states and my kids in school full time I worked in a day care center as a cook. Tired of that I worked in a grocery store as a cake decorator. I've since worked in factories, call centers, retail, cena, and am now an aide /cook in a senior care home. Guess I went from the cradle to the grave. I had ambitions in becoming a nurse and started back to school at age 47. I enjoyed it but have since given it up. The classes weren't too hard, but to get into nursing school you have to ace everything, and some of my classmates were on their second and third times in a class they passed already to get there score up. I don't have the finances or ,lets face it, the time.
Now I am thinking of taking classes in photography and vet assistant for self help purposes. I don't work that many hours, but I take care of Mom. Not in a physical transfere, feed , ect way. She can still function, and luckily she doesn't go anywhere in her car except the post office. She has the onset of dementia, and somewhere it changed from just sharing a house to doing almost everything. It is wearing emotionaly .
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09
Mar 2007
7:02 AM EDT
   

My finest moments were having my kids. They are the lights in my life.

I seriously need to lose weight. It is something I think about all the time. I know all the things I need to do, but for some reason I let myself get a defeatist attutude. I know what to eat, and that I need to exercise. I know when I work out I feel better, and have fewer aches and pains, but.... What is holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't feel worthy? Am I lazy? I know when I start losing and people start to notice and comment, I feel awkward, embarrassed, and don't like the attention. I fall off and gain even more. I do know I don't like being fat!!! I have a hard time finding cute clothes that don't cost a fortune, squeezing into booths when eating out, not being able to do one of the things I love the most which is riding rollercoasters. Everything hurts, and the extra weight makes me unhappy.
2 comment(s) - 02:59 PM - 03/10/2007
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07
Mar 2007
3:50 PM EDT
   

People do really dumb things, esp when we're young. Yesterday acouple teens decided to drive on the lake and got stuck. Luckily they were close to the edge so if they had gone through the ice there wouldn't have been much damage. It took a while and my borrowed tow strap and they were free.
For the first time , while watching them, I forgot what it was like to be young. I was irratated that they were down here where they didn't belong, and was ready to go after them if they did any damage. While raising my kids I cut a lot of slack by remembering what it was like to be young. I think as parents we forget and act like we were total angels.
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24
Feb 2007
6:25 AM EDT
   

Thats the truth. I have endured my marriage out of indecision. A lot of people look and say "wow 32 years". It is an accomplishment to a certain degree, but not a very happy one , most of the time. We are mainly roommates and drinking buddys. There is no intimacy of any kind, not even casual hugs or kisses. We co-exist probly because of a certain comfort level. I have asked him to leave several times over the years, but he doesn't. I often think how if he did he would start doing the things I wish he would do with me with someone else and that really makes me mad.

I have been married since age 17. I never dated anyone else. I gave up all my best and am now an over weight unhappy housefrau. Even though I have certain egrets I would never change anything because of my wonderful kids. They are my heart!

I just wish I had somewhere to go all on my own for afew days. Peace and quiet, afew candles, maybe a good book. No phone, no tv, no computer, and no people.
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22
Feb 2007
6:13 AM EDT
   

Dispite how I feel about myself, I think if you ask those who know me , they all like me. They know if they work with me I do my job well and am willing to help them any way I can. I enjoy doing little things like giving everyone little valentines, decorating the work place for C'Mas and putting up little goodies for everyone. The only thing is I don't actually get close to anyone. I don't like talking on the phone, I don't take things out of the work place.

I'm not really a people person anymore. Everytime I go out I just seem to encounter the rude, and nasty. People shoving, riding my bumper, cussing, ect. Kids are getting awful!! There are no manners anymore at almost any age. The other day there was a bright spot. The woman in front of me at the grocer had a basket full and I had a greeting card. I was prepared for the wait, no problem. She asked if thats all I had and let me go first. I was so surprised. When I was little Mom always did that and we still do, but I haven't had that done for me in a long time.

I realize there is good , it just seems as the years go by it gets less. I can't believe the changes I have seen just in the last 20yrs. I have lived in Europe and the U.S changes so much faster than any other country, and we are arrogant. There is a reason we are called "ugly americans" everywhere. We are like a candle burning too bright ,too fast. We need to slow things down .
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20
Feb 2007
6:04 AM EDT
   

There in lies the rub...the wisdom to know the difference!!

I am so glad to see the signs of spring. I am looking forward to opening windows and letting fresh air in. I love to wash the linen and hang it out to dry. The only draw back to the oncoming summer, for me, is the heat. The last couple years we have had an awful time with humidity. I am hoping to get out and do a lot more camping.

Yesterday I got a good picture of a lone person out on the lake ice fishing. It's hard to decide if they look lonely or just peaceful. I like taking pictures and have been debating on taking a class the next time they have one at the community college. As a kid I loved art class, and creative comp. I have an over active imagination.
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14
Feb 2007
5:53 AM EDT
   

I am such a sap!! I see road kill and I think "poor baby". Now I sit with a goose laying across the lake on the ice and am helpless. I called DNR but as always their help was underwhelming. The lake is frozen, but the river is always touchy because of the current. I know trying to catch it could cause extreme trauma, and would be risky for human life. I also know there is an over-population of geese, but watching it lay there hurts. I just want to pick it up and bring it in from the cold, and I don't even like birds. I know I would probly feel better with a "gratitude "journal, but.... Oh well lets give it a try. I am grateful for alot. We are all in fairly good health. I have three wonderful kids and they have beautiful families. I am aware of the blessings in my life and in the world around me. It's so much easier to point out the flaws. I take the time to look at the stars and marvel at the sight, thanking the creator for the many wonders. It's the bad and ugly we sometimes need to get out of our system.
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13
Feb 2007
9:20 AM EDT
   

What a coward I am!! I have a dental appt today. It's just for a cleaning, but I still find myself getting anxious. I doubt the fear will ever totally be gone, but hopefully I can get use to this guy and his staff. It would be nice to go and not feel like throwing up. There have been a lot of changes over the years for the good. Tomorrow is Valentines Day, am I the only one who feels things have gotten out of hand. As a child I remember Dad buying Mom a big box of candy with a rose on it , and me a smaller box with a small doll on the top. I thought it was pretty wonderful. Now they tout buying fancy jewelry and expensive gifts. Seems a ploy to make woman feel less than loved if the man in her life doesn't go broke buying. It is not a big holiday!! I bought hubby a box of candy, I put little valentines up for co-workers, and sent some e-cards for fun. It isn't a serious deal. I don't understand going broke for it.I miss the simple times.
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10
Feb 2007
5:57 PM EDT
   

To believe or not to believe is always the question. The days of the church being the corner stone of the family is gone. I believe in a higher power, but am not a christian. It is almost sad. I grew up wanting church to be in my life. The weekly church suppers, and community togetherness. The problem is the belief system. I don't go along with the belief that believe how I feel or you will burn for ever. I am a decent person and try to be nice. I am not a christian. I believe in a person , Jesus. I do not recognize this person as the one and only savior of our world. I now have a peacock living with me. After years of making my husband deal with whatever I hauled home I now live with this bird. He brought it in when it looked like it wouldn't make it and we thought she would die. Well she made it and is coming back to life. He has decided it is to cold for this 14yr old bird, so now she's a roommate.
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30
Jan 2007
5:50 PM EDT
   

I survived the dentist chair. I couldn't stop shaking, and the assistant thought I was in pain because of the tears. I was shaking so hard I had to white knuckle the chair arms to keep from shaking. I had to get a tooth pulled, and a filling. I am out of topics for tonight.
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30
Jan 2007
5:44 PM EDT
   

Tomorrow I have a trip to the dreaded "chair". The horrid sound of the drill, the intimidating tools of the trade. Thats right, I'm off to the dentist. Childhood dental trauma, makes me a total coward of the dentist. Loosing a filling and having the filling in a root canal coming loose, I have to bite the bullet. I am a little nervous, but I am sure by morning the slight fear will be full blown terror, but I will go.
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29
Jan 2007
8:46 AM EDT
   

I want to scream about now. Some days driving to or from work I want to keep going and never come home again. There have been days I wish my memory would just be wiped clean. She sits in there with the tv to loud because her hearing isn't worth a crap. That same problem leads her to feel we are talking about her, or that no one ever talks to her. She doesn't like anyone, and treats others like crap even though she claims not to. She sits with her guide post and doesn't see she's what turned me against christianity. They preach forgivness and don't forgive, they preach love, and hate anyone who doesn't agree with or is the same as them. Others know her one way and all think she's miss wonderful, but they don't really know her. She'll do almost anything for you, but you better be prepared to spend the rest of your life thanking her, and she'll spend the rest of hers reminding you to. I often think Dad died to be free of her. I was married at 17, pregnant and wanting out of this house and away from her sneering, dominering, hateful, accusing behavior. As a small child I wished her dead many a time so Dad and I could be free. I wasn't allowed to play with others or leave the yard. As I grew older she always acted like I was awful and couldn't be trusted. I was never good enough and I hated her. She always belittled me infront of others, yet always felt ,and still does, that she was a wonderful mother. Everyone tells me when she dies I will take it hardest of all. I really don't think I will. I think, as long as I am not in a home myself, my life will begin. I won't be looking over my shoulder wondering if she is going to be upset over something said. I won't feel I can't do because as she always reminds us , this is her house. I will finally feel free to go and do anywhere and anything with whom ever I chose without guilt.
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22
Jan 2007
7:24 AM EDT
   

Sometimes I am totally miserable. I couldn't wait to get married, for a lot of reasons, but to be honest sex was one of those. Ha what a joke the fates played. I enjoyed sex even though did not have my first orgasm until my mid 20s. I really enjoy sex, but my husband has lost all interest in it. I have read smoking, and high blood pressure can be to blame. I have begged him to talk to the dr and maybe try viagra or something. He is content to just sit on the couch drinking and stuffing his face. I sometimes think of finding someone else. I just can't believe this is all there is and my life will be like this til death. I don't mind helping myself, so to speak but.... that doesn't take the place of warm skin touching you back, or the feel of someones lips on yours. They say people need the feel of skin, and I believe it. It's one of the reasons I get so depressed. I am a very sensual person who likes hugs and kisses. We haven't had sex in almost a year. I know I could probly instigate, but I don't think I really want to with him anymore. I use to werar lots of skimpy nighties, or sometimes none at all, but after afew rejections out come the granny gowns and my own lack of interest.
1 comment(s) - 06:10 AM - 09/08/2011
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madhousewife's Profile

  • Username: madhousewife
  • Gender / Age: Female, 68
  • Location: USA - Michigan
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    MADHOUSEWIFE's Interests:

    About Me: 50 year old Grandma, trying to figure out my own life and identity.

    Interests: anything having to do with water, rollercoasters, board games, animals, camping.

    Favorite Music: I like all music, but gospel.

    Favorite Movies: Horror, comedy

    Favorite Television: Ghost Whisperer,

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