llarson's Journal

 
    
12
Dec 2006
4:52 PM MDT
   

SO here is the scoop. Guess what gang..I have issues. Not much of a surprise I am sure. For the first time in my life I am on the complete and straight and narrow path. I figure if I do this then God will let me have the family and happiness that I have longed for. Tried to go there before but you need a willing and giving partner to travel that road along with you. I now have that. Dave is amazing. Everything I have ever wanted, longed for and prayed for I have at this moment. Money? Yeah not so much, but never had it to begin with so why want it now. I am happy. This is my issue(one of my issues)I have problems, and the sad thing is they are jealousy issues. I am aware that when you have kids and get divorced that you must talk, you must communicate. My problem is that in the past, Dave would call just to find out what she was doing, where she was, just needing to know all. Now he calls to talk about the kids and check on them and I still am feeling like he NEEDS to talk to her everyday. Its heartwrenching. I dont know how to move on from this feeling. I dont know how to trust in that. I feel stupid, I feel little. I feel like I must compete with someone who treats him like dirt every single day. I know deep in my heart I dont have to, but on the surface it stings.
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10
Dec 2006
9:16 PM MDT
   

Been awhile since I was on here. Life is full of ups and downs. Things have been going well. The love I have for Dave and the kids grows stronger everyday. Issues still arise as the kids mom has admitted to doing drugs. Makes me sick to think of how a person could just throw their life away. Addiction is ugly. Life now is full of trying to move on. Trying to escape the past and build a future. I have to learn to put some of my issues aside and just trust in the love thats here. I pray to god everynight to watch over dave and the kids and to let everything work and be somewhat normal. They have all been through hell. When you lose trust you lose everything. When you have to worry about the kids being alone with their own mother how do you deal with that? When one of the kids has a mother and a father and you have raised them for 8 years, how do you deal with that? There is no manual for this circle jerk we are in, just try and take it day by day. Trust in the love thats in this house and in our hearts and let go and let god. Its all we can do at this point.
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30
Oct 2006
5:31 AM MDT
   

Life seems unforgiving. Issues and situations that are beyond our control but yet somehow determine our fate. Cant change it, it is what it is. So then where do we go from here? Trying to do whats right for the people who continue to do wrong and change our lives? Maybe try and switch things up andmaybe not do the right things and walk on the red carpet like the rest of the losers who fuck up and end up in a bed of roses. At this point I am ready just to give up and move on. Happiness cannot be found due to everyone elses drama and mistakes. Their indecision of lifestyles and choices affect all those around them. Thanks to those of you that continue to be so selfish and heartless. You win..congrats
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17
Oct 2006
4:10 PM MDT
   

Seems to only get worse. Just found out that instead of moving out of my house in two weeks, my parents have decided that they are moving in three days. Well isnt that just a kick in the balls. Again with no one to count on. If you cant count on your own parents then what do you really have left? Shouldnt be surprised, but always expecting that one day they will feel a little bit of love and compassion for me...but....not so much. Between this and everything that is going on with Dave, I feel utterly empty. Thank god that tommorrow is .25 cent drink night. Captain Morgan is one that I can always count on to help ease the pain. Really wishing that I could run away. Its always what I do when I feel I cant handle anymore being put on my plate. The problem this time is Dave, I cant bring myself to run and hide from the world. It was always so easy to just give up and go start over. New people, new problems, but at least getting away from the heartache that seems to follow. I really should get my ass in there and pack instead of typing in this damn journal. Oh yeah..note to self ...buy more KY jelly as you will probably be f***ed in the ass again tomorrow.
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16
Oct 2006
6:31 PM MDT
   

today was exceptionally bad, thought I lost two very important people in my life. I am not really sure why life is so difficult. I keep hearing about karma and how you do unto others and good will come back to you. There are those people like us who give and give, when is this big return? I know people who take and take and still walk on a bed of roses. Makes me sad to think about it. On top of it all, seems like every person I know is cheating on their respective other. In this world today no one values friendships or relationships. Breaks my heart to know that our kids have to grow up in this fucked up world.
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15
Oct 2006
3:04 PM MDT
   

Today was up and down. Seems this, as I like to call it, rollercoater ride of shit just keeps on throwing me around curves. Woke up and things were good, starting moving some things into the house, got to be with the baby, had my man. It's almost perfect. I was nervous about moving things in, not so much in the fact that I was moving in with Dave and that we are starting a life together, but more so in the fact of how he feels. He says he is happy and wants me to be there with him and the kids, but I also know that because of past relationships that he is somewhat reserved. We have talked about this and I trust in him when he tells me this is what he wants. We really do have the best relationship, we are honest and we talk about everything and make decisions together. The love and trust I have for Dave is the ONLY thing that I know is real at this point. Our only problem is his ex, still lives in the house, very seldom is there. I dont understand why she makes no effort to make a life for herself. Not just for her but for the kids as well. Everyone elses life is on hold, waiting...waiting for her to move on. There has been a deadline set now. I am waiting not so much patiently for her to go. Guess we will see what tommorrow will bring....
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llarson's Profile

  • Username: llarson
  • Gender / Age: Female, 54
  • Location: USA - Arizona
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    LLARSON's Interests:

    About Me: Hmm..what to tell about myself. 39 yrs old, soon to be 40 (yikes). I am a mother and a better half to my amazing man.

    Interests: Love being with my family, clubbing with my friends (minus the drama that comes along with that),laughing and just enjoying everything life has to offer.

    Favorite Music: I am a huge fan of everything from Elvis to Dropkick Murphys, I have been told that I add a soundtrack to everyday of my life....sooo true.

    Favorite Movies: Boondock Saints, Anchorman, Braveheart, The Benchwarmers, I love anything funny or that has a great story. Not a big chick flick kinda girl.

    Favorite Television: Dont watch tv so much, when I do its usually Football, Southpark, Family Guy, anything that keeps my mind off the horrors that go on outside my front door.

    Favorite Books: Anything Stephen King, Dean Koontz.