SeeWhy's Journal

30

Jul 2007
4:44 PM EDT

Just a quick catch up. I havent been to the therapist in two weeks. I am scheduled for next week. I have stopped taking the dealer classes. Couldnt juggle them and work. I have been working alot of hours. Husband is still in the house. An ex boyfriend found me online and told me alot of wonderful things, things I have always wanted to hear. It felt soo good to find out that someone was looking for me and had been looking for me since we broke up. I feel hook line and sinker...simple woman. He disappeared for weeks without calling or anything. Before anyone thinks bad of me.... I told him I was married. He is seperated. Then...long story short...he dropped me like a bad habit. He lives far from me. I am glad he does but...I miss his words...what is the key to healing a broken heart anyone???

05

Jul 2007
1:56 PM EDT

I am seeing a therapist now. I felt like I was going to have to put myself in the hospital...I felt out of control. My therapist seems very nice. She believes my husband has some mental conditions. She said it is like I have become his caregiver and nothing more. She wants me to get strong from the inside, out...then decide if the marriage is done.

1 comment(s) - 10:33 PM - 07/11/2007

24

Jun 2007
6:07 PM EDT

I have a friend and co-worker who passed away Thursday. She was in an accident two days before Christmas and she was two months pregnant. She had her baby boy two weeks before she died. I have so many emotions over this. I truly believed she would eventually go home and be with her son. All the doctor's believed that. Now her son will never hear her voice. Never hear his mom say "I love you". I feel for her fiance' who was so devoted and so loving. I feel for her father who stayed vigiliant with his daughter. Leaving only to bury his mother who died less than a month before his daughter. I worry for this young life. I miss her...oh how I miss her.

1 comment(s) - 08:44 PM - 06/28/2007

13

Jun 2007
6:22 PM EDT

Okay, so the other night I was getting ready for bed. I was telling my oldest goodnight. She was laying on the coach and trying to talk me into stay8ing up to watch a movie. The husband came downstairs and saw me sitting next to my daughter. He proceeds to say....."Are you two lesbian lovers or something" I automatically felt rage. I said to him...."THIS IS MY DAUGHTER...do you understand that!!! My daughter...what is wrong with you!!! He says "There are some sick people in the world" I said...are you calling me a sick person? He made me soooo mad. Then I just told him to stop talking...just to not say another word to me. I got up and went to bed. He came upstairs and sat on the bed...put his hand on my head and said....I think youre a lesbian baby. I took his hand off of my head and said....Please dont talk to me again. Dont ever say that to me again. I turned over and went to bed. The next day...(yesterday) I started thinking...maybe that is my way out...maybe if I say....Yep, I think you are right after thinking about it for a while...I think I am in fact a lesbian and I think I need to explore that so I think we better part ways....That is what I want to say when I go upstairs to bed after I write this. I want to have the courage to just outright say that. Will I be able to...I doubt it...but oh how I want to. Maybe even say..."and I want to thank you for helping me figure that out. I truly appreciate it...now pack your things"

10

Jun 2007
5:34 PM EDT

One of the managers came down from the hotel with his son. A cute little four year old with dinosaur pajamas on...so cute..lol Anyway, we talked about the fact that his family came in to visit him. They are still in transition with his new job. He talked about his wife and what they had like it was.....love. Is that possible? Can that be real? The look in his eyes as he spoke about him going home for his anniversary soon. God...how I want that. That all encompassing adoration. Does anyone else feel like they will die without love? I watched him...I watched as he talked about this woman who he misses when they arent together...as he ran his fingers through his sons curly blonde locks. He got his coffee and left me standing there while he walked away with all the feelings for her that I wished, hoped, prayed that someone would have for me. Why is that not out there for everyone. Beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, black, white....everyone. I got teary eyed as he walked away. His son's hand holding on to his dad's shorts. I felt empty. I wanted so bad for someone to love me like that. Talk about me like that. I want to shine from someone's eyes too. Life is too hard...I know some people would just say...Die and get it over with. If you are that miserable.

1 comment(s) - 04:58 PM - 06/12/2007

08

Jun 2007
3:17 PM EDT

Today I was off work. I did alot of running today. I took my sister to the store and I did go over to work to talk to a VIP host about the job. I dont know if it is for me or not. They say they love it but it can be challenging because the people occasionally try to get alot off of them. It's hard to be tough and sometimes say no. Can I say no? Can I be tough but fair? I am a softie. I didnt ask them how much they got paid. It just seemed rude to do so. I went to see about the other Starbucks. They are not hiring right now. I am not sure what I want to do. Maybe I feel such urgency to change jobs because I lack the strength to change my home life. Is that possible? In the meantime....I am trying to keep myself busy so I dont call George. I have spent so much time and energy just trying to erase the things he said to me. He lifted me up so high off the ground.....Then he let me go. I wanted to believe....I wanted to think someone would want me...I shouldnt have listened and I should have never responded to his email when he found me. I am a fool.

05

Jun 2007
6:12 PM EDT

I wanted to post something since it has been a little while. I wish I could say everything is all better. I just thought that I would pull away for a minute. I shut myself down. No more cutting. Not since the leg incident. I have been contemplating a job change. I work in a Starbucks but it is inside a casino...run by the casino. We dont get the perks that the free standing Starbucks receive. I am lead and trainer. Having said that...I havent trained a soul since we opened. I want to, I should have but they just dont give me the opportunity to do what they title says I should be doing. So, a new Starbucks is opening not to far from me. I wanted to look into it. My boss found out I was checking it out and wasnt happy with me at all. She asked me if I would be interested in a Supervisor position with the Food and Beverage Department. I have thought about this and I dont think it is the best thing for me. The hours and having to be the boss over people that I work with or have worked with in F&B. My boss also mentioned VIP host. I thought that would be more comfortable for me. However, when I tried to check into that postion. Find out what it actually entails....I cant get any answers. I asked the boss for that job if I could "shadow" a VIP host on my day off. She never got back to me on it. Also I am thinking about taking classes to become a table game dealer. I am not sure what I should do. As far as husband and all that is left of our marriage..I have yet to turn in the application. I just dont want to put my sister in a position to hire him and he doesnt show up or quits. I do have it ready and I think I will give it to her tomorrow. I feel so numb. I cant seem to make up my mind with anything. Anyway, this entry is waaaay too long. I will write again soon.

1 comment(s) - 09:06 PM - 06/05/2007

24

May 2007
3:35 PM EDT

I had a long day at work today. It was extremely slow so I kept cleaning to keep busy. I was there for eleven or so hours. He tried to start an argument about the girls ruling the house...etc... I ignored it. Then he came downstairs and asks me if I have filled out the application for the job I mentioned. I said no. He said maybe I should. There is something weird going on in this house. Maybe I am just not use to him realizing that what I am saying is right. Meanwhile...my oldest daughter has alot on her mind and I dont think she is ready to talk to me about any of it. I hope all is well with everyone here. Take care.

23

May 2007
7:11 PM EDT

I came home from work and while I was changing clothes, my husband says he doesnt know how long a person is suppose to live this kind of life. I then told him that I dont think anyone is suppose to live the life that we lead. He is so unhappy with me and I am unhappy that he is so unhappy. I told him I can no longer be responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. Thats why I want him to get a job so his only existence isnt this house....this wife...these kids...and a meowing cat. I want him to have so much more. I told him I think we have lived fourteen years of this and I dont believe that we were meant to be like this. Anyway, I gave a long speech. I couldnt stop talking.�He spent the whole time extremely quiet. He has been eeriely quiet all night. At the end of our conversation I asked him if he had anything to say. He�said no.....without hesitation.�He has spent the entire night up in the bedroom. I am a little concerned about how�he is taking everything I have said. I dont like the silence. It scares me a little. Anyway, I have to go to bed. I will write again tomorrow.�

�

�

20

May 2007
11:55 AM EDT

My sister told me she could get my husband a job that he could work at night when the place was closed. It would be for only four to four and a half hours a day for five days. It would be good money for that short of time. It rounds out to about sixteen dollars an hour before taxes. I told him about it and brought home an application. I left the app. on the table for him to fill out. He of course didnt. The next day before I went to bed I decided I would fill it out for him. As soon as he seen me filling it out he started...."Who is going to take me to work at 3am?" I said I would. He said...you mean you are going to get up at three to take me to work and then come home and go back to bed....I said...yes. He then said..."What aboutfeeding the cat and taking care of the cat litter and the dishes...who is going to do the dishes?" I said he could feed the cat before he went to bed at 8am or so and do the litter then. He can then feed the cat when he gets up or when I get home I will do it. My daughter could do the dishes. He didnt like the idea ofthe cat being fed once in the morning and the litter being cleaned just once in the morning. He kept complaining as I continued to fill out the app. Until finally I just threw it across the table and said nevermind then. He said..."Well I am just saying we need to think all of this through before we jump at a job. I have to tell ya'....I just want him to get a job so I dont have to feel responsible for him. I want him to be self sufficent so we can part ways. He just refuses.

13

May 2007
12:31 PM EDT

Happy Mother's Day to all.

1 comment(s) - 01:23 PM - 05/15/2007

13

May 2007
12:29 PM EDT

I was changing clothes today and my husband inquired about the "scratches" on my arm again. I all of a sudden became terrified he would find out what I've done. I just told him I thought something was crawling on me and I scratched across my arm. i quickly got out of our bedroom. He came downstairs not but two minutes or so later and said "let me see those scratches again". He said that is really odd because they are too far apart to be fingernail scratches. I said.....well that's what I did. He can not find out what I've done.

12

May 2007
5:25 PM EDT

Last night I came home to find our cat up on my dining table...its kinda a no no for me. My husband is sitting right there. I asked him if he seen who was on the table and he just casually says yes. He made me soo mad. His total disregard about this is so irritating. Then after I scoot the cat off. He says....whats wrong with you??? Or is it that you are just mad because you are around me and not the girls...meaning my daughters. I told him why I was frustrated. He proceeds to tell me how he cant imagine why I get upset over the cat when the whole house is tore up. I told him that their are four people living in this house. He didnt get that. He just kept pushing me. I got so angry with the whole thing and then he got mad that I was soo mad. I should have told him I wanted him gone right then. I was so mad. I thought that I was just going to say it. I ended up feeliing like the bad guy once again and I also felt extremely angry at myself for being so weak and not� just telling him this hurtful thing we call a marriage is over. He is killing me and I guess I am killing him too. Anyway, so we were suppose to be watching a movie which I put in to make all of the arguing go away....he left a half an hour into it. I then went into the bathroom and tore at my legs with the knife....I am sorry. I am trying to stop.

08

May 2007
6:01 PM EDT

I am trying to keep it together. My husband finally saw the marks on my arm today. He asked me what they were....I said....oh I scratched myself. He let it go at that. Their are seven deep gashes healing on my arm.....yeah, I scratched myself. I guess I dont expect anything more from him than that. That is where we are. I have a friend who is a gay male. He does some cross dressing....anyway he has moved home recently. He called me and my husband came down and caught me talking to him. He asked who it was...I told him and he said to me....you are soo weird...this coming from someone who has no friends

3 comment(s) - 02:06 PM - 05/09/2007

05

May 2007
5:28 PM EDT

Okay...so I am thinking about just disappearing. I am of little use to anyone here including myself. I want to become invisible. Nothing notewhorthy about me really. I am feeling sooo sad I am having a hard time just inhaling and exhaling.

1 comment(s) - 10:15 PM - 05/05/2007

01

May 2007
4:42 PM EDT

I went to the movies today with my husband and my oldest daughter. It was the movie "Invisible" which I really did like. Before I did that I went to the doctor's office. I was determined to tell him that I was cutting myself again and that I needed him to refer me to a therapist. Yeah...I told him that I was depressed and had no energy. I havent been sleeping well etc... I had on a short-sleeved shirt so I would be forced to tell of the cutting. He didnt even pay any attention to any of what I said really. He did get me an appointment with a counselor. He talked to me about the non-smoking ban we have at work which he is spearheading all of that in our state. I felt like he should be giving me a co-pay. Anyway...the movie was good the husband behaved himself but he did say he hated the movie.

29

Apr 2007
4:53 PM EDT

The husband is drunk.....again. He is trying his best to pick a fight with me. I remember what my dad use to tell me....It takes two to have an argument. I am trying to avoid responding to anything he has to say to me. I have actually come downstairs to get away from him before the negative filth covers me. Unfortunately, he wants to watch "Along Came Polly" together at nine tonight. He wants to watch it in the bedroom. I dont want to do that. but, I will have to.

28

Apr 2007
2:16 PM EDT

I got through another day of work today. I got in my car and started crying because I didnt want to go home. I didnt want to be at work and I didnt want to go home. I wanted George to call me and he has just completely dismissed me. After all he has said to me he has just dismissed me.I have a friend who I have confided in about this situation and she said to me...."Even if you never get together with George maybe this will show you that someone thinks you are fantastic. I dont think that is the case. I dont feel like that. I feel like my soul is torn.

20

Apr 2007
5:06 PM EDT

I didnt start cutting myself over one thing. I use to do this when I was younger. High school age. I have done it at other timies since then...but not in a year or so. It's strange... I know

18

Apr 2007
4:59 PM EDT

I have started cutting myself again. I dont know what happened. My daughter asked if I could pick up an exacto knife for a shirt she was making and I bought a two pack. Took the big one into the bathroom and proceded to cut away at my arm. Afterwards I realized these cuts could be seen if I were a short sleeved shirt. I have been hiding them the best I can. God!!! I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest it is so heavy. I hurt sooo bad. I cant shake it.

1 comment(s) - 01:45 PM - 04/20/2007

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Username: SeeWhy

Gender / Age: Female, 58

Location: USA - West Virginia

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