Monday, 8/25

While its not my first day back to work after a nice long weekend, it is still a monday.  The same feeling of being behind in work, not ready for the week ahead, tired from the weekend.  So in essence my week has two mondays, great!!  I guess it feels this way because its the kids weekend, Anges weekend and I still do all the weekend stuff, only after having gotten up early and worked all day, so  I am even more tired when Monday does roll around.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, very sore from the beach all I wanted to do was sit down, putt my feet up and have acold glass of tea.  I even called Ange ahead of time to let her know.  Instead, when I got home it was chaos.  She hadnt been dressed more then ten minutes.  We are talking about 330 pm.  Okay, but she didnt even have any tea made, she drank it all.  She had planned dinner, but hadnt gone to the store to get anything.  She wanted me to get stuff done, like moving furniture, going to the store, playing games with the kids.  All in all, not the R&R I had been needing.  She does this all the damn time.  If I pulled this crap she would be screaming up a storm at me when she got home.

To be able to spend life my own way..........I cant imagine how quickly I would...well I have a few minutes, eased my previous smart ass remark and thought about a response.  It seems as if it is a worthwhile endevour.  Something to reach for.  But life my way sounds so contrary to my nature.  I am a pleaser.  I try to please all the kids, the wife the parents everyone.  This doesnt mean I dont please me.  I would say I am who I primarily work for.  Anything I do is usually about me.  Me the father, me the Son, me the Holy........wait wrong line.

I still feel the need to vent a little, I guess what bothers me the more I think about it, is the lack of communication and intamacy. When Ange and I are insinc there is nothing greater. I would move the heavens and the earth for her. Though she would probably prefer something a bit more practical. But over the years, she has developed an aversion to all things intamate. I dont just mean intercourse, I mean, she wont hold my hand, give me kiss, a rub on the back. SHe says she has a \"medical\" condition and that the doctors want to do a DNC (?). She has been prescribed medication to help with her moods. The trueth is, she hasnt been to a doctor in several years, so she isnt treating this issue. She doesnt take any medication, but is quick to remind me to take my meds, I have a busted back and take several meds to survive in this life. Why the dicotomy? The Hypocracy? I have to believe that she just doesnt care enough about herself to fix her medical problems nor does she care about the impact this has on our relationship. It is easier for her to tell me how to change my behavior and demand I adjust to a marriage of celebacy.

Anyone know how to turn on a spell checker for this journal?

I am hoping that this element proves to be the thing that I need to carry me through this time in my life. I have kept a written journal before, when I joined the Army, it helped to get me through the tuff time of seperating from my wife and kids while I served. Now, times are truly tuff again and I could use the anonimity of that this medium provides.  The therapy that I have found with Journaling I am hoping is even better by using this service.