kayiwik14's Journal

 
    
26
Jul 2010
7:38 PM CDT
   

same old same old

I stayed in bed the whole day today. Not feeling well.�

Found out the surgeon i want won't take my insurance :/ So we are trying to get that situated out. Oh and were building a new house and I finally picked out the color of my new room. It's going to be light blue or .. baby blue. & I found out today that I will get all brand new furniture! I'm so happy. I've been looking at potterybarn online and I think I want white furniture to go with my light blue walls. Because I've never had white furniture before and I would like that. But I know I need to think it through. & I really like pottery barns furniture but the online thing is .. I don't really care for any of the headboards that comes with the bed furniture. I'm afraid if I buy somewhere else it won't be as good quality. I'm probably just going to have to wait till I'm better before I go looking for furniture in actual stores.

Ahh I'm scared to have the surgery but I really want to help with the house and all the decisions so I know I have to have it.
1 comment(s) - 04:16 PM - 08/15/2010
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
23
Jul 2010
3:56 PM CDT
   

Friends, cheerleading, and therapist visit number 2

Okay so today I had my therapist visit and I actually did really well with the biofeedback. It was my first time. Basically he puts this thing on my finger and it checks my pulse and it maps my heartrate on his computer. I'm learning how to control the way my heartbeats because that can benefit me when it comes to stress. I had my first try at it today and I did really well. It's actually pretty easy but I don't think i can do it without the machine stuff just yet.�

Also the main highlight of my day is I started talking to my friends again! Which is really good news and they are so sweet especially now that they found out that I had surgery. I am really happy about it. Alot of them are cheerleaders and they miss me. & it makes me happy. Idk for some reason even though I have still had about four months to let it sink in.. it still feels like i'm still a cheerleader even though I'm not. I just can't shake the feeling off that I'm not going to be happy when the first pep rally comes up. One good thing is that all the cheerleaders still treat me like them and they know I would give anything to be there if I wasn't sick. :/�

& my other friend mary kathryn said we should join lots of clubs this year because she knows how much im going to miss cheerleading. Isn't that just the sweetest thing?�

I think things are finally starting to turn around for me. Plus I have my gallbladder surgery coming up .. which i don't think it's finally hit me that I'm actually having surgery.. considering I almost cry everytime a needle comes into view.

For some reason I've been on this kick to go get a book from a bookstore. Idk why though. �But I really want a romantic book by Lori Wick.. all her books are amazing.
1 comment(s) - 04:37 PM - 07/26/2010
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
22
Jul 2010
6:39 AM CST
   

Another ordinary day..

Nothing spectacular so far.. just got up super late.. like 11:30. And even then I forced myself to get up because I knew I had to get up to take a shower because I have a Dr. Appointment today. One good thing today though is that I should find out about my gallbladder test that I took the other day. Hopefully the results are good but then again I kinda want something to show up wrong, just so there is something for sure to fix so I can start feeling better again. I don't want anything seriously wrong or anyhing.. just something minor thats fixable. Either way, I should find out if I am going to get a precedure done to my stomach or not.

So I think I will make two entries today. This one and another one later talking about what the Dr. said.

For some reason today I keep accidently hitting my dog trxie. Like I don't mean to or anything.. she just keeps getting right underneath me and in my way and I don't see her. I haven't hurt her.. I just keep bumping into her.

Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
22
Jul 2010
12:11 PM CST
   

GALLBLADDER SURGERY?!

Okay so I went to my new Dr. today and I knew that I would find out the results to my gallbladder test. I was kind of curious to what it would say because during the gallbladder test they give you medicine to make your gallbladder work and right when they gave it to me I got insanely sick feeling. Then they stopped the drip (it was through an IV) and it immediately got better. So that's why I figured something would be wrong. Anyways, sure enough I was right. My gallbladder isn't functioning right. So my dr. told me it was best to go ahead and take it out. Normally this wouldn't be good news for someone but for me.. it kinda is good news just because of the fact that my dr. told me it would most likely help all my symptoms! Which is amazing! We haven't scheduled a appointment yet but the surgeon is supposed to call me sometime to schedule it.

I'm still going to go to my therapist though just because I think it will be good for me. Especially when I go back to school.. because I tend to get stressed out about that really easily. & I go to my therapist tomorrow so we should see how that goes. He's supposed to start this thing called "biofeedback" on me tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie.. I'm kind of excited about it :)
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
21
Jul 2010
7:42 AM CST
   

Adoption

What do I want? I have no clue.

Okay so my mom died when I was 12. I am now 16 going on 17 next month. & during this time period my grandparents got the rights to adopt me. But now that I am so sick I need better insurance and the only way to get good insurance is for my aunt and uncle to adopt me.

Don't get me wrong I love my aunt and uncle to death. I mean they are both like my mom and dad (literally). Even though my grandparents adopted me, i have been living with my aunt and uncle. (until i got sick, now im staying with my grandparents)

But now my aunt has been pushing for her to adopt me just so she can put me on her insurance so I can get better care. She has been talking about this for a while and I went along with it and thought I would be ok with it. .. until now

I think finally my grandparents agreed to give over the custody so that I could get better insurance. But it just breaks my heart that they are having to do that. I feel like they are being forced to give me up just for my health. I don't want things to change from the way they are now. I want them to stay the same. If I just knew that my grandparents are okay with it and everything would be fine, I would be perfectly happy. But I don't know that and thats what scares me.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm scared. I hate change.
2 comment(s) - 04:21 PM - 08/15/2010
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
21
Jul 2010
11:45 AM CST
   

CHEERLEADING

It was my life. I miss it so much. Is it normal for you to miss something alot and it was just a sport or hobby, club, ect.. ? I don't think so.

I didn't do it for the popularity, I did it for the friends that I would make on the squad and how fun it was and how happy it made me feel.

I feel like a coward now that I didn't try out this year because of how sick i've been. I even talked to the coach about it and she said she would have made special exceptions for me to cheer. I wish I would have given it more thought.. but if I could go back in time.. would I really even try out? I mean all the hours you had to spend, all the excerise, and how tough it was especially on me because of how sick I would get just to do a few cheers. I mean would it really have been worth it to go through with it for just one more year? My senior year?

Thats another thing.. "my senior year". I remember when I first made the squad my freshman year and how ecstatic I was. I remember telling my dad on the phone "I'm going to do this all four years of high school". Thats what makes me feel the most ashamed.. is that I didn't go through with�what I had said all this time.

When I first had to leave school because of how sick I had gotten.. all the cheerleaders went out and bought me presents and made me cards... & that made me cry.
It made me remember what I would be missing out on.. all the friends I had & all the time we spent together laughing and just being ourselves.

I'm going to miss cheerleading. Believe it or not.. that was one of the hardest decisions I had to make on whether or not to choose my health.. or what I loved doing the most.


Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
20
Jul 2010
11:06 AM CST
   

soo sick...

Okay so today I had to wake up really early just to go get a gallbladder functioning test. They have to give you an IV though which hurt so bad, considering they had to stick my three times to finally get it it. Then they check to see if your gallbladder works.

But I woke up this morning feeling fine but once I started brushing my teeth, I got wayyy sick to my stomach :/

The whole car ride to the hospital was pure misery. I though I was going to get my grandpa to pull over a few times so I could throw up. But anyways, I made it all the way to the hospital w/o getting sick and I opened the door so I could get a little fresh air, which helped TONS.�

Once I get in the waiting room I started to feel sick again and all of the sudden I told my grandpa I was about to throw up and he ran and got the nearest trash can he could find. So I threw up in that. (how embarrassing)

Then I was called back to do the test and I was completely fine feeling but then once I got back in the waiting room, I had to throw up in the trash can again. :/

I finally made it back to the car and once I got in there, I started feeling sick again. But I did make it all the way back to my house but when I went inside, I had to throw up again so I had to runnnn to the bathroom.�

After that though, I haven't been sick since. I was given medicine to sleep and ease my stomach and I just woke up. So I slept all day.


Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
20
Jul 2010
9:38 AM CST
   

Therapist Visits - #1

Okay so I have a therapist. My doctors recommended me one so
that I could "cope" with being sick. Especially since it's
been so long they said it's bound to take a toll on me
sometime. I always thought that going to a "counselor" means
that you have something wrong with you and that you have
emotional problems. So obviously as soon as they recommended
that I wasn't up for the idea of visiting a therapist once a
week for who knows how long. Last Friday was my first
appointment we had to travel about an hour and a half to
this certain expensive therapist my family wants me to see.
They just want to make sure that I get the best help
possible.

So for this entry I wanted to note about what the therapist
told me. Also I just want to say that I actually like my
therapist and I can't wait to go back to him next Friday.
(Which I will right about in another entry)

For this visit all he did was ask me a few questions and
gave me a technique to try while at home.

He made me realize that I tend to keep things inside and
don't share how im feeling. (which is partly why i decided
an online journal, also the reason I set it to public
because I felt if I kept it private, I would be defeating
the purpose of not keeping it inside).. Anyways back to the
my session, he made me realize that recently I just got to
where I don't even talk about being sick anymore. I don't
tell my family when I am hurting or when I feel sick. (I
will go more into detail about whats wrong with me in
another entry). I just keep it all to myself so half the
time they don't know how bad im feeling. He made me realize
that the reason I do this is because I feel it's pointless
now to even tell them... nothing they can do will make me
feel better, so why even tell them?

He went into more detail about what he could possibly do to
help my situation & ended the session with a breathing
technique to try at home 5 times a day for four seconds and
two breaths. (Just learn to breathe from your diaphragm
rather than your chest.)

Can't wait to talk to him in my next session.
Add Comment:

Current Tags:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
20
Jul 2010
9:38 AM CST
   

T.V shows I like to watch while sick

Well just got through watching one of my favorite television
shows of all time.. Degrassi: The next generation.

It was the premiere tonight. In case you haven't seen it I
will fill you in on what happened:

SPOILERS AHEAD!

So basically Spinner and Jane break up. Jane goes with Holly
J, declan, and his sister to new york. Declan's sister is
jealous over how much time he is spending with Holly J.
Anyways Declan picks holly j over his sister. Spinner gets
married in a casino with emma (drunk and unknowingly). They
end up deciding they really do love each other and decide to
make their marriage official. Then Jane finds out about
their marriage and races off to get Spinner to not marry
Emma. Finally when Jane arrives just before the wedding she
goes to talk to Spinner and realized he really was in love
with Emma. So needless to say, she kissed him goodbye and it
ends with her "waiting to see what her fairy tale has in
store for her". (oh forgot to mention that "the dot" burned
down)

So yeah thats basically it.

I really like that episode, all about drama though.


Since I've been sick basically all i do is on the computer
and watch tv when I am feeling good.

The beginning of the week is slam packed though with shows I
just love to see.

Sundays- Kourtney and Khloe take miami
Mondays- The secret life of the american teenager, degrassi
Tuesdays- pretty little liars, make it or break it, degrassi
Wednesdays-degrassi
Thursdays-degrassi
Fridays-degrassi

So far saturday is the only day I am not waiting for a show
to come on. Atleast it keeps me looking forward to something
while I am bored to death.

I wonder if what i'm watching is normal? hmm..
Add Comment:

Current Tags:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
19
Jul 2010
9:38 AM CST
   

Struggling

Well it's probably the third month now that I've been sick.
Being homeschooled isn't my ideal way to spend the last nine
weeks on my junior year in high school. Slowly my friends
start to not call or text as much anymore. Times like these
are when you realize the only friends you have in life are
your family.

It's summer now though and I afraid I won't be able to enjoy
any of it. Summer for me right now is laying in the bed
feeling terrible. On top of that my 17th birthday is coming up
and I am worried I won't be able to celebrate and enjoy it.

It's not like i'm sick all the time though, some of the time I
feel okay, but the feeling doesn't usually last for more than
2 hours.

I just desperately want to be better! I want to enjoy
school,friends, and life again.



Add Comment:

Current Tags:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )





kayiwik14's Profile

  • Username: kayiwik14
  • Gender / Age: Female, 31
  • Location: USA - Florida
  •