ilovegaarakun's Journal

Nov 2007
9:55 AM EDT

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull

my thanksgiving was horrible because of the same reason last night was. i'm not even going into thanksgiving, but its pretty much the same fucking shit as last night except i was actually there in the car to witness it. alright, so last night i was supposed to go to a hooka bar with Byron; just the two of us. he texts me in 7th period and asks if it was okay if Shan goes too and i said it was cool. so we were in the car on the way to the bar and they almost immediately started a series of the most immature arguments. it started off as just a quarrel over something trivial, but then led to practically a screaming match. at least he was yelling. i didn't know what to do, like i couldn't get a word in edgewise during the whole thing and not 10 minutes away from my house, Byron demanded that he be let out of the car and slammed the door on the way out like some kind of child. Shan and I decided to go anyway, even though the only thing we did while we were there was talk about how immature and stupid and exhausting the whole thing was. After the two of us were done at the bar, she took me back home and i already knew Byron was going to be there. we talked and i cried (just like thanksgiving) and he left, miserable, to go to Shan's house. i don't know what happened after that, for i haven't talked to him yet since then. i swear, the next time i ever want to do something with either of them, i'll do it with one at a time. never again will i hang out with both of them at the same time. its so miserable and it always ends up like it did last night. ever since Shan broke it off with him, he's really starting to loose his mind over EVERYTHING. it sucks to be around him at all when he's like that because i know its not entirely his fault because of his shitty childhood. he actually didn't have one. and everytime i get caught in the fucking middle of one of these situations, i feel so bad because i know it's not his fault that he's like that! i wish i could do somehting for him, but i know i could never even get him to tell me everything that happened to him. he's so afraid that if he tells me anything that i'll use it against him and throw it back in his face or something. which is understandable. oh well. i gotta go.

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Nov 2007
11:58 AM EDT

holy shit, yesterday was miserable. i fucking cried all day long, even when i got home. i was shaking and having panic attacks and everything. i finally worked up the nerve to call my mother at work and it turns out that the social worker did call her. he also said to her that we have to go to court about it and he didn't say anything about that to me. i was livid. but anyway, i called her and, to my surprise, she was actually sympathetic. i didn't even know what to do. i was so fucking relieved! i was thinking to myself that there is no way that i could get this lucky, but apparently i am because everything has been fine. my mom's kinda been checking up on me a lot more because of my "emotional state" but other than that, its been just fine. i got to hang out with shan last night and she gave me liquor, so its all good.^___^ but anyway, i'm suppose to be getting a new cell phone this weekend. hopefully one with a camera. i'm about the only person on the face of the planet that doesn't have a picture phone. well, thats pretty unrealistic, but i still think i should have one! what if i got in a car accident and i need to take pictures? i mean come on! XD my stuff that i ordered off the internet better come in today. its been backordered and i'm really getting upset about it. i don't want to have to wait until monday to get it!! it was supposed to come in with my other stuff like 2 weeks ago! ugh... whatever. its so stupid cause its only a keychain and a cell phone charm. wtf? why i have to wait for a package so small for so long is beyond me. damn them! okay. i think i'm done now.

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Nov 2007
11:08 AM EDT

remember that letter i got from the school about me violating some attendence law? yeah. they called me up to the guidance office today and there was some social worker sitting with my counselor. i immediately knew that i wasn't going to make it out of there without makinga fool of myself. but unfortunately, because i had no choice, i went in and sat down. i already knew what they were going to say, for i did recieve the letter in the mail informing me that my mother and i had to attend a manditory meeting this morning so we could discuss the matter. not to mention, the assistant principal called me to her office about it yesterday. but anyway, i sat down and the social worker introduced himself and stated what it was that he came here to do. he began by asking me questions about why i was absent so much, and then of coarse the inevitable question came: "is there anything happening at home that we should know about?". i thought 'oh gods... here it comes...' i answered no and as the questions persisted and became more personal, ibecamemore and more vulnerable. eventually, within about 10 minutes or so, i started to cry. i fucking hate crying in front of people ESPECIALLY people at school because they get so fucking involved and they don't know when to back off. then i did something fucking stupid that i just KNOW will come and haunt me. they asked me if i was actually depressed and i said yes. they asked me if i ever thought about suicide, and, without even thinking it through first, i said "EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE!". it was not until about 20 minutes after i got back to class that i realized was a fucking idiotic mistake that was. the social worker already said that he was required to call my mother because of her absence in the meeting (i told them i didn't get the letter...), soi just know that if he actually gets a hold of her, then hes going to tell her that i said i was suicidal. fuck!!! omg.... i don't even know what to do. i cannot believe i told a total fucking stranger something so confidential. at the end of the meeting, they both were like "we're REALLY glad you were so honest about that. you didn't have to tell us that." ahh!! but i was retarded and said it anyway! nkfwqvzx!!!!!! i'm so pissed. my mom's gonna give me a fucking earful for this one. i remember talking about my depression to a guidance counselor at my middle school back in like 7th grade and everything i told her was repeated back to me furiously by my mother that same night. omg. i don't want to have to relive that. i really hope the man called my house instead of her cell phone. if thats the case then i can simply erase the message when i get home and she'll never know, just like i ripped up the letter. omg. i hope thats what happened. ha! you know what my counselor said? he told me to come talk to him about ANYTHING if i ever needed to. ahahahahaha!!!!! right! i learned my goddamned lesson 5 years ago. fuck that. he's sadly mistaken if he honestly thinks i'm going to go to him to talk about serious issues in my life. and besides, i'd want to talk all day and then it would be like skipping class. he'd never get anything done. "can we let you go back to class without you hurting yourself?" XDD. what a fucking loser. like i'm seriously going to hurt myself intentionally in school. he must really think i'm an idiot. if i really thought killing myself was absolutely necessary and that there was no other way out, don't you think i would have done it by now? i still have slight hope, mostly because i haven't really been all that depressed lately. ugh. until this morning of coarse. fuuuuuuuuuuck... alright i have to go now.

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Oct 2007
6:06 PM EDT

its holloween, guys. as if you didn't already know that. i got a letter in the mail today saying that i have violated the compulsory attendance law or some shit like that and my mother and i need to attend a mandatory meeting about in like a week. i tore it up. XD... so anyway, i've been instant messaging like a madman every night until around 4 in the morning and its really starting to take its toll. i do believe that it has a strong correlation with my absences. oh well. you only live once, right? why not? ^_^ oh christ. i think i might have a crush on a friend of mine. she's 21 and i'm only 17. XD. oh damn. its so wierd. i mean, maybe i just really enjoy her company and i just think that i like her but really i don't. hopefully. i mean, if i like her then i like her, but i don't want her to know because it might make our friendship awkward. i don't think she's a lesbian... DX... oh well. i'll figure it out i guess. until next time, inbox journal.

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Oct 2007
10:04 AM EDT

i haven't written in forever. a new school year has begun and, just as i thought, senior year is just as bad, if not worse, than all the others. everyone assumes that senior year is the best and these are the best years of our lives. well, i'll tell you, if these are the best years of my life, then i might as well commit suicide. seriously. i hate school, i hate not having a car, i hate being a minor... the list could go on and on. omg. i've missed like 8 days of school already and the first nine weeks isn't even over yet. i just can't get out of bed in the morning. and it's not like i stay up until the wee hours of the morning or anything. although i did stay up until 6 one day last weekend. it was grand. but i would never do that on a school night. maybe i'm not getting enough vitamins or something. i'm about to start this 7-day body cleansing system. i hope it doesn't make me sick. ugh. i have a headache.i'm starving. i can't wait to go home and eat something. lol. that makes me sound like such a fat ass. ^_^. oh well. i think i havea small crush on my math teacher.>.

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Jun 2007
9:57 AM EDT

ich werde gebohrt

haven't talked to byron since then. oh well. he's an asshole. enough said. but anyway, i'm all alone at my house. what else is new? i'm constantly alone. shit. i was so goddamn bored yesterday, i spent 3 hours folding all of the clothes that were strewn all over the floor in my den. it sucked, but i got it all done. it needed it anyway. whatever. i really don't have that much to write about today. i just figured that it was time to update. whatever. see ya.

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May 2007
8:53 AM EDT

ICH KANN DIESEM NICHT GLAUBEN

i was in biology today and a couple of friends of mine were playing with glitter glue. i fucking hate glitter. so does byron. so on the way to lunch, one of the said friends decided to tell byron that i have glitter. i told him immediately that it was a lie, but he refused to believe it. therefore, i was ignored and eventually yelled at because of the false believe that i had glitter in my possession. i felt that i was baby-sitting a 3 year old when really he is 17 years old. "i don't even want to stand next to you".

well thank you, byron. i hate you too.

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May 2007
5:45 PM EDT

today was rather uneventful. although i did get to chill with Sorian this afternoon, which was interesting. as always. my baby rats are becoming stronger and more independant by the day. they're even beginning to show signs of opening their eyes soon! i can't wait. i wonder what colors their coats will be? i do hope at least one of them is white. i love those. but anyway, i won't be attending school tomorrow because i am a horrible excuse for a human being and a practicing procrastinator. and this is indeed the unfortunate truth. my english teacher is, however, quite senile. so with some luck, i just may get away with turning my project in a few class periods late. ugh. i am indeed pathetic. shoot me.

...

please.

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May 2007
2:46 PM EDT

hello all. for all who care, here is a list of as many things that i can think of about myself:

1. i love gaara-kun (obviously)

2. i am blonde

3. i am tall

4. i am one-eighth german

5. i love the band Rammstein

6. i hate the color blue. i avoid it whenever possible.

7.i'm a Naruto freak

8. i stay up all night long and wait for the next available Naruto manga chapter to be released.

9. i painted my room blood red.

10. i often seriously consider cannibalism

11. i have 4 birds, 10 rats, 3 fish, and one dog as pets.

12. i started off as having 1 female rat, but she became pregnant before i got her and birthed 9 babies.

13. i love each and every one of the rats.

14. i love chick flicks

15. i love yaoi and yuri

16. i am bisexual

17. i mostly lean toward being lesbian

18. i am a sadist all the way.

19. if i were a gay man, i'd always be seme ^_^.

20. i can make a origami shurikan.

that's about it. please comment. i have no friends on this site! :(

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3 comment(s) - 08:45 AM - 11/23/2007

ilovegaarakun's Profile

Username: ilovegaarakun

Gender / Age: Female, 34

Location: USA - Virginia

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ILOVEGAARAKUN's Interests:

About Me: i'm an anime freak and i love music. i have to be listening to music at all times. ^_^

Interests: anime, yaoi, yuri, fanfiction, music, and the like.

Favorite Music: 30 seconds to mars,a perfect circle, alexisonfire, alkaline trio, atreyu, avenged sevenfold, the blood brothers, blue october, boy hits car, bullet for my valentine, caroline's spine, coheed and cambria, coldplay, the counting crows, daft punk, death cab for cutie, deftones, depeche mode, e-rotic, eiffel 65, enigma, the faint, fall out boy, fear before the march of flames, fintroll, flogging molly, frank sinatra, from autumn to ashes, funkervogt, gackt, godsmack, heaven shall burn, incubus, job for a cowboy, linkin park, ludwig van beethoven, madonna, malice mizer, marilyn manson, the matches, metallica, muse, my chemical romance, nine inch nails, pretty girls make graves, rammstein, senses fail, she wants revenge, shinedown, soft cell, soul asylum, staind, stephen lynch, sting, streetlight manifesto, thursday, tool, tsunami bomb, the used.

Favorite Movies: fight club, advent children, anything with jack nicholson in it, 300.

Favorite Television: no tv for me!

Favorite Books: anything by anne rice, great expectations (charles dickens), night (elie wiesel), a separate peace (john knowles), sybil (flora rheta schreiber) manga: absolute boyfriend, gravitation, naruto, loveless, gakuen heaven.

ILOVEGAARAKUN's Friends:

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