Michael Jackson died today. He was fifty years old. Its hard to know how to feel. When someone dies that you have never met, it only seems like�a dream, or like a fictional character from a film. I feel empty and without closure. There is something so childish and innocent about the man that I have grown to love and admire. People joke about his eccentricities and other accusations but I really dont want to judge. Even if I have conjured up a false notion of who he is (which I likely have) I'm somehow okay with that. He has impacted my life and the lives of so many, not only with his music but with who he was. The romantic in me feels a connection to him and his Neverland ranch. The�concept of eternal youth, eternal childhood, eternal innocence, is a beautiful one. His childhood was not typical and so his 'strangeness' stems from yearning to be back there. Dont we all sometimes, some of us often, want to return to childhood. Not necessarily to do it all over again but to be apart of that innocent, naive, curious, fantastic, fresh world. I have been mesmerized by this idea, and Michael Jacksons efforts to recapture it. I am grateful for his legacy and the connection I have always felt with him.
What am I afraid of and why?
I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I will end up alone. I have been hurt and I think part of me has come to believe that people always let you down.. they always leave. No one loves you enough to stick around or to stick it out. I guess because of that I push people away. I dont let them get close to me to hurt me.. I dont let them in.. I dont let them get to know me. As a result of this, when people do like me I dont think much of it because they dont know the real me, because I've hidden it from them. Every once and awhile I let my guard down,and spurts of the real me come out. Times like that make me wonder what is real about me. There is a part that is hidden, who I like to believe is the real me and then there is the brave face I present to the world. Yet, if that is the face that is seen most often, isnt it entirely possible that this new false me has replaced the old. Is�the new photocopied version the truth? Its hard to have identity and self worth when there are two conflicting sides. I guess because I push people away so much I worry that my worst fear will come true. People dont often surprise you and if I believe that everyone always leaves then most likely, they will. Loneliness is something I seek so often and yet its not what I want at all. Maybe more than loneliness, my worst fear is putting myself out there. Even more scary than being lonely and rejected is finding someone who wants to stay. I dont know what real love is.. I dont fully understand commitment and sacrifice.� I know what loneliness is because I've been there. Maybe my worst fear is the uncertainty of companionship. I'm scared to let someone get to know me because I worry what they might find.
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