alabrat's Journal

May 2011
2:07 PM

just so confusing

He puts me on the hightest highs and the lowest lows. Why do I question his feelings so much? Why does it matter? He goes from really hot to super cold. I heard from him Thursday, last week. He text me for 2 hours straight and then called when I left work. Then said he'd call Friday. Didn't hear from him. ANd nothing til sunday. We text for about half an hour sunday evening. I text him yesterday afternoon about 7 and just asked if he was ok... He answered a few texts and then called. He's on the road, I understand. And I think I read too much into not hearing from him. But I may also read too much into hearing from him as well. He says sweet little things when we talk. But last week he asked if he could see me one night this week.... last night he said maybe next week we could do something. Again, I know he's on the road and has no control over where he goes next, but I was hoping.... And so again.. maybe he just isn't that INTO me?

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May 2011
1:28 PM EST

He makes me smile....

So backing off and not contacting him seems to be bringing him around. He called last Friday, just as I was giving up on hearing from him and told me he'd gotten a call to go pick up a load out of town. And that Sunday he was leaving to pick up a load out of state as well... wished me a great weekend and said he'd talk to me early this week. He sent me an email on Sunday. I heard nothing on Monday which bummed me out but then he called me at work on Tuesday, just after lunch as he was heading out again. Said he'd talk to me today sometime. Said he wanted to see me one night next week. So maybe he is a little "into" me?? a little?

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May 2011
1:26 PM EST

Still going with the flow....

So I decided to back off on the relationship. Just to go with the flow. If I hear from him and we see each other and it turns into more, great! If not, then it wasn't meant to be. I do not contact him first anymore. We were actually scheduled to see each other last Monday night. He text me before I woke up on Monday and said he wouldn't be able to make it. He'd gotten an offer to take a load out the night before and took it. Can't blame him there. I simply responded with ok. I didn't say anything more. He continued the conversation and we talked for a few minutes. Tuesday morning he also text me before I woke up, which was nice. We chatted for a few minutes. Wednesday evening, I'd gone home from work early and gone to bed with a stomach bug. He text me and I was unaware so an hour and a half I text him back and we talked. Thursday evening he called... and also asked if he could call Friday. He did, just as I was giving up for the day and thought I wouldn't hear from him. But we have no plans to see each other... it's just starting to feel like a waste of time. He isn't involved with anyone else. If I call him, he always answers or immediately calls me back. I've been to his house.. he isn't married. What am I doing wrong? Or is he just NOT THAT INTO ME?

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Apr 2011
10:50 AM

long time no see, journal

Sooooo, a lot has changed since I last updated here. The last relationship I was in did indeed, come to an end. We are friends, it was sad, I still care deeply for him, but he just didn't have time in his life for me with the new job and existing priorities. Such is life....
I have met someone new, well, I didn't actually meet him. We've known each other since our childhood. Had a little crush back when I was 15 or 16. Things took off rather quick and heated and now I seem to be getting mixed signals... just not sure how to take him. He was working out of town when we reconnected, told me to call him anytime and we sometimes talked for hours, he would text me as soon as I was up in the mornings and we would chat on facebook throughout the day. One day he called me 5 times! We set up a date for when he got home and we were both pleasantly surprised. However, it quickly turned into a sex thing, and I was dumb enough to let it go there. Since then, we go through bouts of lots of contact, to very little. I've asked him point blank if he would like for me to just leave him alone.. his response was not a "beat around the bush kind of answer but just a flat "NO" He immediately called me and asked why I would think that. I responded with I didn't know, I don't want him to think I'm a psycho that expects him to contact me constantly or even every day. He has told me that he is no good at relationships and he always screws them up. I just don't know if I should remain engaged or just back off.... Just when I think, ok, I'm not going to contact him anymore until I hear from him he'll call or something. So I'm not sure why I feel this way. Its just weird.

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4 comment(s) - 03:23 AM - 05/04/2011

Aug 2010
2:50 AM CST

It isn't over, just different

What can I say? You were my knight in shining armor. My rescuer. You found me just a shell of a person. Someone who experienced no love, just routine. No appreciation, just routine. No excitement or happiness, just routine. And you changed it all. My heart raced just to hear from you each morning. Sweet little notes scattered in cyberspace, unexpected nothings.... were somethings. You held all that I had hoped love could be, but had become resolved that it just wasn't. You changed my world and rocked my foundation. You helped me find me again. I had lost myself in all those other labels we and society give us; wife, mom, executive director, manager, etc. I was me again. It felt wonderful. I'd found love.

But somewhere along the way, somethings became less important. Conversation. I love you. Time spent together. Conversations about nothing... us. And we too have fallen into the "routine". There is no importance in the things that we used to spend hours with. The nothingness that was just you and me, in our love. That sweet "nothing", "nothing" but us. The world is with us now and we are less important. We move through the motions and do what the other expects... most of the time. We find ourselves standing on the edge and not worrying if it matters to the other. And sometimes we cross the line. But without guilt, because, those little things just don't matter anymore. So what if we miss that time together..... there is tomorrow. So what if I don't get to call. Nothing would have been said in that conversation anyway. It's about work, and stupid drivers and the heat of the summer. It isn't about my love. It isn't important. And so, the conversations aren't either. We were only love... and that made us grand. Something neither of us knew. We had only known the motions.

And here we are..... in the motions.

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1 comment(s) - 08:40 PM - 08/20/2010

alabrat's Profile

Username: alabrat

Gender / Age: Female, 44

Location: USA - Mississippi