Nodeadenz

That feeling of flying/free falling has come down. My feet are cemented into my old routine, again Iam depressed. I dont want to deal with my kids, I feel like I need a break from it all. Contemplating checking out......In the past few days� it seems like kyle and I have� or are drifting into nothingness. Is it because I told him what my mother said about him and I ? Probably that and after I talked to her i decided to cut him off. I still feel that she has some valid points, the distant between us is great, my children will have a hard time adjusting to him and the fact that I have unresolved issues with my other children. It is very kaotic round here, I dont fee l valued heard or respected. I wish there was someone who was here with me to help me out with the boys and just life in general. Sometimes I wonder is this a game for him, maybe he has someone there, while Im playing the fool waiting sincerley. I feel anxious and lonely. Not many people understand me. I regret having my children I often feel they are in my way and I cant breathe. I� feel like they are suffocating me, I have zero privacy, if Iam in the bathroom they are in there too. I just cant escape, well once I did when I went to visit kyle. And am considering� making an exodus to ny but not to seem him. I hate the life I have created. I wonder if I should have ever got involved with him on the strength� that I need someone who is supportive present and loving. I am doubting all that we discussed in the past. I have always had naggin doubts about his words. after all he is a thug. Why do I get myself into unhealthy shit, what is wrong with me, it� cant be that Iam needy. If I were I would have taken up with alot of men that are interested in me. Iam kicking myself for being so willing and stupid. Iam going to let things be as they are at this moment if he pursues� me great and if he doesnt then that is fine too. But in the interim I am going to do what I want to do and see whomever I so chose.That way in the end I will have very little regrets about the time I allocated. I know what everytime I talk with him now he so busy, not a problem I have a suprise for him. Either he will be conversing the answering machine or himself.� This scenario with his is all too familiar been here b4.