Inside Pandora's Box.

May 2010
6:03 PM EDT


Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of self. As insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience ; a room in hell with only your name on the door. I just don't care about anything anymore in my life. I feel so embarrassed for worrying about things that don't even compare to this. Like boys and clothes, and stupid shit like that. It doesn't even matter to me now. I wish memories didn't involve feelings. I don't wanna forget the past, but I also don't want to go back and feel the things I used to feel.

Everybody's changing and I don't know how much more I can take. If my mom had once just told me that it was okay to be messed up, I wouldn't be afraid to ask for help. I can't stand to smile but I guess I'll fake it. Can't stand the pain, but I guess I'll take it. I would like to know what I did in a past life to deserve this shit?! I'm trying to be brave, but I feel like my heart is caving in. After all, how many times can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating? I'm not weak. Maybe I'm just tired of being so God Damned strong. Everyday seems the same to me. I sit around and think about how alone I feel, then I end up rather enjoying loneliness because it's the comfort of being sad. Sometimes it feels so right, and sometimes I'd like to be around no one for 10 straight years. But I know this feeling won't bring me places, and I know I'm losing lots of ground, but to keep up is to get up and why does it have to be the world keeps on changing while I just stay the same? I feel like being down doesn't mean enough to anyone anymore and I guess the world had made emotion obsolete and I don't feel the same, cause, after all, who says what happy really means?

It's not that I don't like people. It's just that when I'm in the company of others - even my nearest and dearest- there always comes a moment when I'd rather be reading a book. While other girls doodle hearts, I doodle tiny stars ; little wishes for everything to somehow be okay. I am empty. I am lonely. I can be surrounded by volumes and volumes of people, just to find out that I fit nowhere within their assemblies. I want something to look forward to. Someone to look forward to, instead of distracting myself with these games in my mind.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. This town is eating me alive, and pretty soon, there will be nothing left of me. I can't stay here. Get me out of here. I'm suffocating.

2 comment(s) - 08:37 PM - 06/01/2010
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