SomebodysAngel's Journal

 
    
17
Sep 2007
5:41 AM EDT
   

So he has a girlfriend...Well, his exact words were "currently seeing someone right now." And I have to see him fourth block.I don't regret telling him that I like him. Not in the least. You see, it's everything else that I regret. I regret avoiding him after the football game. I regret not hugging him back when he hugged me. I regret not looking dead into those blue/green eyes and asking right then and there "What are the chances?" I'm not a waiter. I never have been and swore never to be. Men to me are some infectious desease out to destory your heart. I almost had myself convinced I was a lesbian and I would have been fine with that, never having to give my heart to...a man. Then he had to deep me down, like some sence from Dirty Dancing, and looking into his eyes I knew right then I was hooked. I guess it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I was only thirteen at the time, he was twelve. Something that feels so long ago seems like it was only yesterday. I broke up with him in eighth grade so I could go to the Sweetheart Dance with another boy, who was all over the girl he liked when we were there. Ever since, something bad has happened at the Sweetheart Dance. I'm convinced that dance is cursed and a few times almost didn't go because of it. I regret not going to that dance with him, more than anything. We probably wouldn't have lasted, but I didn't have to leave him, not right then, not for that reason. I didn't like him anymore, but I could have at least gone to that dance with him. Four years later, I'm fretting over the same boy, the one I swore I could never like again. I would have dreams about him, through these years. I've had a handful of boyfriends since him and he's had a few girlfriends, but with every single boy I ever dated, whenever we would start going out and then again we would break up, I would dream about him. I won't say his name, because I'm afraid someone I know may read this and I really don't want anyone knowing this. No one that I know. But this is it. This is what I have been thinking of all weekend. I was advised to tell him today how I felt. But how do I do that? What do I say? There is so much more to the story then I just liked him once when I was younger and that was it. It is so much more than that. But of course, it always is, and in time, I'll tell you why I hate men and why I can't trust and why I feel so alone and broken at times. You may have a guess and you may be right. But now is not the time. That is for another day. But, my friend, you are about to witness a part of me many will never see. I may seem over dramatic, but admit, this is a pretty good read, if you're into this kind of thing. I can't wait until fourth block. I've reheared it in my mind for the past three days, like a speech in Language class, and I know that as soon as I'm up there in front of the podium, and all eyes are on me, I'm going to go blank. I'll talk to him before I change for colorguard, in the hallway in front of the bandroom. I'll look at him and tell him I'm sorry. That's all that I'm sure of that I will say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry not for telling you. I'm sorry not for liking you. I'm sorry for hurting you. Because I know I did. And I wish for anything to take it back. I'm not just saying this now, because I like you, but I've always felt like this. Please believe me. If you really like her, I will by no means stand in your way. Because if you are happy, I may not like that it isn't with me, but I'll let you go. I'll let you get on with your life. But I must know...(because I heard from a friend of his he did)....Do you feel anything for me, anything at all? If you like her, fine. Just tell me. I'd rather know now then wonder later. If we have a chance, I'll wait. (Five minutes left for this entry). I'll wait..... I've never waited on anybody before. Never really wanted to. Maybe it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I would always secreatly say he was my first love. Puppy love is still love and still feels as real as anything. I can only hope he feels the same....

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SomebodysAngel's Profile

  • Username: SomebodysAngel
  • Gender / Age: Female, 35
  • Location: USA - Georgia
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    SOMEBODYSANGEL's Interests:

    About Me: I guess I'm just your almost average teenage girl. Yes, almost average. I'm not really girly, but I do things like wear make-up, fix my hair, and care slightly about what I'm wearing. I'm in colorguard this year for the first time (a little late in the game, I know) and I love it. I make fairly good grades and I hang out with just about anybody. But like most people, there is more to me then meets the eye. On the outside, I'm a carefree, typical eighteen year old just trying to survive her senior year in high school. But if you take the time to listen, to unlock the door, you'll discover a deep thinker with fears, regrets, and memories that she can't seem to rid. I have no clue what everyone elses "About Yourself" reads and it's taken a long time for me to finally write in mine and this is probably more elaborated then needed, but this is it. This is me.

    Interests: I love to write, hence why I visit this site almost daily. My other favorite past time is listening to music. I like to read, but with school and colorguard, I sadly am lacking in that area of my life at the moment.

    Favorite Music: If I like it, I'll listen to it. My favorite thing right now is rock, but it really depends on what mood I'm in and what "phase" I'm going through. Yes, I'm the first teenager you will meet that will freely admit: I have phases. But they are my phases and I will go through them as I please. And this has absolutely nothing to do with music...I like oldies. Sixties music. The Beatles are amazing. I've started listening to Pink Floyd, but that is a couple of decades later, I believe. I do listen to country and Eminem is about as rap as I ever could muster.

    Favorite Movies: This calls for a list... The Shawshank Redemption Dirty Dancing The Notebook Fried Green Tomatoes Hide and Seek The Sixth Sense The Skeleton Key The Family Stone Lord of the Rings

    Favorite Television: I don't watch very much television, compared to some people, but I like watching music videos and I am a movie addict.

    Favorite Books: Another list... To Kill a Mockingbird My Sister's Keeper Lovely Bones Sayanora Harry Potter