Inquries of Myself

It is days such as these days I wished I could just curl up inside of bed snuggled close to my blankets and just go to sleep.

While I do not know why I seem to enjoy sleeping in very much. I do. Must be something about the coldness that makes me feel more compelled not to do anything and since I am not home yet, I still am not able to control the heat thermostat.

But “boy-oh-boy,” if I could. I would have not ever slept in curled up to my blankets. I would have been so HOT I would have rushed down my sister’s stairs an hour later shutting off the thermostat. Why? I cannot stand the heat.

One of the things I have been keeping inside of me the last past few days of finding out of my Uncle’s death. Now since this is going to be made a public journal, I cannot share some of the names presented. I guess for legality purposes. However, now he is gone, I feel a sense of postpone sadness for him and myself because he died all alone without anyone and us only knowing of his passing was relayed to my sister from the corners office in Houston, Texas. I miss him.

He was the best uncle I could ever have. Since my sister and I were his favorite nieces, he would always make calls to us on a daily or bi-weekly basis informing us how he was doing. I missed him living in Ohio as much as I missed the summer rain putting me to sleep at night.

I remember many things he said to me. The thoughts of peer success he thought I was able to obtain and all of those many hours when I was young he would babysit my older sister and I and teach us math. He was the reason why I was able to grasp various things inside of math clearly then others inside of my class could.

He did not ever judge me for my skin color, facial features, or my flaws. He judged eveyone based on his or hers character, manners, and knowledge. He was the best uncle out of my mom’s side of the family my sister and I have ever had.

There is a pure sense of loneliness and void etched into my heart for the way he had to pass. I do not know why I sit and think about how he passed constantly. Maybe because if he would of gone to the hospital in Texas sooner, he would have still been alive, in yet, he passed inside of his apartment in his bed alone no kids or wife no one else there to help him survive. Just him.

He stayed there dead in his apartment know one knowing where or why he was not returning our calls for a little over a month. The Texas police found my uncle yesterday on October 1^st dead.

My sister when she heard the news first. Cried. I could not cry because it was so postponed for me. I try to stay strong for everyone. At times I do not even know why I am doing it. I guess…. This is just a way for me to relieve my own pain. Through being strong for others. I feel as if I have to not because I am forced too.

Maybe this is because when I was younger I always felt I had to be strong for myself and everyone else around me. Because I always thought no one is going to always be around forever to take care of me. All I had was myself to take care. Now I look at my words and wonder… Am I right?

I do not want to be alone forever. I thought about this before I ever got married. So with feeling this way, I asked God to send me someone I could successfully share my life with. He came but not without a cost. I know sometimes we have to loose one thing to gain another. Why?

I do not know. I guess with death there comes so many unanswered questions. I just know I just want to go to sleep today beside my husband and fall asleep in his arms. Right after I finish this and my slushy.