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Tuesday - Dec. 19, 2006 - 1:51 PM - AES - #1

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 ramblings of an E.L.K prt 4 Current mood: b****y How pathetic must this sound. i will wait around, just for you to change ur mind and decide to talk to me again. the WHOLE world doesnt hate you, the WHOLE world doesnt want to desert you. I will wait for you to decide that you want to talk to me again.. What is it with people? Or is it just people in my life? as soon as i get close to a person they desert me. and im not imagining it. Ash, Jordan, Melinda. I can see they reasons why they did. Well.. Ash just wanted to be popular&get laid, Jordan was sick of me being 'emo' and 'obsessed' with Melinda. And Melinda, got heart broken, so she pretty much hates the world..but i dont understand why she wants to not talk to me. Ive reached out to her a few times, and she didnt respond. im seriously over trusting people. At this point in time, Jess is the only person i trust. and i dont know, if i get hurt by her, or anyone else, im just going to freeze up, not going to trust no-one for a long time. im sick of being hurt by people. all i want is one friend, a best friend, thats all im asking for. someone that wont desert me... ..all i want is for someone thats not like everyone else in my life.. Poem pretty much explains it.. "I didnt break your F***ING heart ive been beside you from the start i wasnt like anybody else in you life i actually gave a damn about you .... but i guess that doesnt matter anymore everyday you kept feeding me your lies 'always and forever baby' 'your the one i want and need' I believed every f***ing word you said you f***ed with my heart, and my head. .... but i guess that doesnt matter anymore i just want things to go back, back to the way they were before, you were mine, and i was yours" 
Thursday, December 14, 2006 ramblings of an E.L.K prt3 Current mood: apathetic I still love you. And it hurts me soo much to know that you love her. i lied to you because i didnt want it to hurt anymore. It was like my whole world shattered when you told me that she was urs. and u were her's. and i didnt fit into your life anymore. I knew she would always be your number one. no matter how hard you tried to tell me that i was, i always knew she was. I just want things to go back to the way they were. you and me. we were both happy yeh? and then you had to risk it all on her and now im depressed, and your depressed. what gud did that do you? I just thought that someone could love me. I swear i loved you with every fibre of my being. i wanted to be with you forever. but even if you gave me another chance. how can i trust you? If you say i mean so much to you. why couldnt you just tell me before it happend? or just after it happend? why didnt you tell me, until like a week later??? Im hurting more then i will ever let on. I lie to everyone. say that im fine. hopefully i will even fool myself. Maybe one day. I can actually smile, and mean it. but for now. its just fake. EVERY F***ING THING REMINDS ME OF YOU!! its like its haunting me. Music.TV shows.Things people say. EVERYTHING. So even if i wanted to get over you i couldnt. Because everything reminds me of you... 

Monday, December 11, 2006 ramblings of an E.L.K prt 2 im sick and tired of people telling me what i am. what im not. what i could or shud do. PEOPLE PLEASE. for some reason my whole existance has been an identity crisis. so please get off my f***ing back about everything okay. and im not being emo or anything. im not doing this for attention either. i just really want people to stop judging me. think what you want. i dont want to hear it. and if ur judging me. just f*** off right now i dont want you as a friend. Sunday, December 10, 2006 ramblings of an E.L.K well i apologise to everyone i have ever met. i was your stereotypical emo i was making things out to be worse then they were i dont know whether that was because i just hadnt learnt how to be myself or maybe i didnt want to learn/. maybe i was too afraid of who i would really be. okay one last emo thing before i move on i do believe that i become a tad attached to people who are nice to me i dont know why yet.. so just hang in there. im slowly learning to live with it.. prolli cuz ive never had that many friends in the important social stages in ur life. or watever. *s*** i really i need to get over this whole emoish thing* but yeh bottom line i blame everything on being bullied no wait. I dont know. Next year its all going to be different tho i start tafe. basically its like a new start. new people, new me, new everything. im not going to be fake tho. im going to be myself. whatever that is. i am going to figure it out and prove everyone that i can be who i am and not give a s*** what anyone thinks. its about time i started being real. ive lost wayy too many friends being emo. annoying. unpleasable. obsessive. stubborn. fake. so im going to teach myself to be that person that is so much more then the lie that i used to live..

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Username: undefined11
Gender / Age: Female, 19
Location: New Zealand

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Im not really from New Zealand, the site just doesnt have Australia on the list, i was born there tho, so thats why i picked it. So Im 17, Im kiwi, Im a girl, i love music, my friends, rain, storms, oh and im lesbian, most of my friends know, but there is no way in hell i would tell my family..