stacks45's Journal

Diary Of Digital:Chapter 2- A "Fool's" Paradise 5/26/07
it was so confuzing, she had great qualities and negative qualities
i loved her for the positive but hated her for the negative
i didn't think i loved her because she puts so much anger inside me by wut she does
but then i ignored the times when we get along great ,and we fell asleep together and didn't want to be awakend
so there i was trapped in the forgive or forget situation
i tried forgiving, but there's only so much sorry's a person could take
then i tried forgetting but that's damn near impossible with people,songs,t.v. shows, reminding you of them and what used to be
so i was caught in the middle,something like good and bad or heaven and hell,or maybe even right and wrong
so there i was deciding what it is i really want
and then i came to a solid conclusion!
I Do love Her, But I Have To Except the fact That WHITE GIRLS ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM BLACK GIRLS
that has to be it because i never had these problems before and all of this stuff is new lol.
i can't stand liars and hypocrits and people who are sometimes in denial.
and i think it has to do with not the race because i don't wanna seem like a racist
but as far as the love and feelings and stuff is totally different
and it is true A WHITE GIRL IS A BLACK MAN'S KRYPTONITE!
so i now i have to find away to change my thoughts and looks at life,so i can understand her better
so i don't shut her down everytime she has a problem that i think is stupid
i have to adjust to her way of thinking,
and that might take a while
i was raised in thinking that you either put up or shut up
You gotta always stand up for yourself or else people will walk on you
i was raised in thinking that if i can't get what i want then i have to take it with force
this love stuff is like woah!!
there was a time when i would of said fuck love it's all about the money lol
that would have been me about 5 years ago.
but i grew smarter,stronger,wiser and became an intellectual
so when i'm asked the question of steven do you still love her?
and i look at them and take a long pause and then quietly with my head held high and bass in my voice with no regret
i say yes,yea i do!!
i alway get mixed answers,whether it's her friends saying "that's so cute" or "you to were ment for eachother", and the famous answer from most of them,"So why arent you with her?".
i never know how to answer that one....
but then there is the average other girls i associate myslef with that say those racist,stupid things like "why do you love her if she treats you that way","it's good ya'll ain't together nomore",or the one most of them say is "You don't need her to be happy".
Ya Know That Might be true but i think i want her around and to be happy
i don't think that's to much to ask.
is there a such thing as a perfect relationship?
And If There was would i want it?
is this partly what love is all about?
Here i am taking on everyones problems and not even trying to fix my own.
so where does that leave me, am i
where i need to be?
am i happy right now without her?
Or am i just living a fool's paradise?
i really don't know
but then again i am the only person who would know......

to think it all started in the back of my english class,i put my arm on her shoulder,her first words that started everything was "hold on,my hair is in the way" (i remember it like it was yesterday)