sigay's Journal

 
    
24
Oct 2010
7:13 PM PST
   

Fear

What am I afraid of? I fear what I don't know because I may not be able to act against that fear and suffer whatever grave consequence it might bring me. I am afraid of relationships, because it is a commitment, and I might not be able to sustain that commitment, lose patience, and lose the relationship altogether. I am afraid of intimacy, because it would be heart-breaking to be hurt by bringing foul to knowing what I am, my body, my soul and my flesh. I fear love, because it means that I have to take responsibility in taking care of that person, which I am not prepared to do right now. I am selfish, I admit. It is my way of preserving myself. Maybe in time, when I am more mature enough to do these things, then will I have no fear of these.
1 comment(s) - 05:50 PM - 11/01/2010
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17
Oct 2010
8:29 PM PST
   

Others

I'm easy to please. I don't expect too much of a person. I have done that before, expect too much, and it always end up in disappointment, from then on, I learned not to put standard on people, that way, I get to appreciate the littlest things about people. And, I am happier that way. The world has too much angst, I don't want to be part of that population with angst, by lessening it through appreciating people and the little things that they do with their life ;D
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13
Nov 2009
4:02 PM PST
   

Hmmm, the wisdom of the Chinese classics...
1 comment(s) - 01:13 PM - 03/07/2010
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07
Sep 2009
2:54 PM PST
   

I am afraid to fall off the cliff and die without ever doing what I was made to do on this earth. I still have a lot to accomplish before I die, such as making a difference and changing the lives of others. I know it's quite idealistic. But I have lived with the ideals. I wish I have the power to do something significant.
1 comment(s) - 07:29 PM - 09/07/2009
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19
Jul 2009
6:26 PM PST
   

Battle

Love always feels like a battle field. That song makes for a stronger point. Hmmmmm...
1 comment(s) - 05:30 PM - 07/23/2009
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23
Jun 2008
5:42 PM PST
   

Disappointments

I have this lingering problem inside my head- it is dealing with the men in my life, most especially my kuya. He texted me last night accusing me of being a heartless bitch. But well, I went to Manila for a reason, and it's called INDEPENDENCE. I don't know why he thinks that I am heartless and selfish. Can't he see that I'm having a hard time adjusting here. For one thing, I am trying to deal with an Oh- so materialistic aunt. I am also trying to deal with an overall guy environment. It's hard to penetrate an industry where guys rule- more so when the only weapon I have is my head and probably my determination to succeed. It actually takes 2 stupid mistakes and 2 heartaches for me to arrive at the decision of succeeding in something. At first, I didn't have any direction. I was content at just standing by, but right now, whatever those mistakes, I thank God for them because they made me realize about what I ought to and should do. This is the only thing that has worth for me....
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31
Dec 1969
6:00 PM
   

At the Academy

My experiences in the academy is still unfolding itself. Some of these experiences are good while others are naive. In the academy, there is a quasi- military culture that I am still trying to get used to. I have to, it is the foundation of the kind of education that the academy delivers. It is its mission. Without it, there is nothing significant about the institution anymore.

On my first weekend at the academy, I saw the incoming probationary students. I didn't understand why the parents have to cry, and why things are such a big deal at the academy. But late this morning, I realized why. It's not that easy to start life indoctrinated and under the civilian power. There is a restriction�of freedom. Freedom is something that I treasure most. I've been with UP for the last 8 years, and my life has been fruitfully free. I had the freedom to wear slippers, shorts and a shirt when going to school. I had the freedom to speak my mind, to intellectually�discuss issues and things with friends and foes alike, to take to the streets key issues and principles that I think needs to be addressed by the persons concerned. These things I couldn't see in the academy. Well, obviously. All I know is that when your'e in a military environment, you are under civilian rule. That applies to a certain percentage to the cadets of the academy. And when you are in that certain environment and condition, your life will have a complete turnabout, you are subject to more rigid rules than what your mother might have imposed on you when you were still under�her care. You are expected to do things based on schedule and based on what was expected of you. You have to do things differently- the way you walk, talk, eat and probably sleep.

I don't pity the cadets or cadettes who are under it. I pity it if it happens to me. There is a moral, emotional and psychological degradation that will happen to me if I am in that situation- not counting the physical torment that I would undergo.

Funny. But at one point I was actually thinking of entering the academy. Jeez.

�Probationary students undergo training for one month. If they can surpass it, and if they won't resign, then they are to take oath as fourth class midshipmen in the academy. It's like you earned the right to be first year cadets. Life will probably be hell for them for one year, but if they surpass it, they'll probably be hotshots for the next year.

The next year, they become 3rd class midshipmen, and some of them will form part of the orientation staff who will train�and guide the incoming proby for next year. Leadership knows no boundaries. It only knows what and how to direct in order that the goals can be achieved. I can see in these cadets and cadettes a different training that will make them future leaders of this country. That's something I am beginning to appreciate in this academy- the training of future leaders. They do it in a military way of course.

I've been reading about personal accounts of life at this academy through the eyes of the cadets themselves. It's a hard life. You have to juggle so many responsibilities. You have to balance your physical, emotional, spiritual and�intellectual self.�You have to wake up 4 in the morning to fix your�bunk, do physical training and clean yourself. Then, you have to�attend your classes and study at�night. The hardest part�is dealing with your seniors. You have to obey�hundreds of them and you have to know them by�name one�by one lest you get to be punished when asked�if you know the senior. For me, it's an interesting life�for the one who is determined�for this profession. But I wonder? Is it for the money? Or is it for the love of the profession? I haven't asked a cadet the reason why he�wants to�join the workforce in the maritime industry. But�I know�that a�huge percentage of them would want to go to this profession because of the dollars that can be earned.�

Maybe that's the only and biggest lure of�the profession. But�they forget that the dollar is starting�to weaken plus the recession that�is hitting the US. It's all about the money at the end of the day, I guess. Who would want to stay for months at sea isolated from civilization if not for the money?�Forgive me for being sarcastic, but I don't see anything�so high and mighty about�the profession except for the money.�

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sigay's Profile

  • Username: sigay
  • Gender / Age: Female, 33
  • Location: Philippines
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