The Infrequently Filled Journal of One Whose Opinions are Irrelevant

Hello hello,

This last week has been pretty tough. A lot of different stuff going on... many distractions... not much homework has been done, I can tell you that.

Monday was normal. I bought a pretty ring after school and am wearing it right now. However, I walked around all Tuesday with it on the fourth finger of my left hand, and only realised after I got home :P. Someone told me that's bad luck, but I am not superstitious in the least, which is kind of strange. I am really into fantasy books, so you'd think that I would have more of a supernatural turn of mind, but I'm not supernaturally inclined in that way. Other ways, of course. But not superstitious.

Tuesday wasn't that bad, but I must admit that I am having a difficult time concentrating in school because all I can think about is the book. Don't think I don't know how unhealthy that is. I do know. And I am disgusted with myself. That won't stop me, though, from still obsessing. I really do know how unhealthy it is. I manage to suppress it enough to function moderately normally. But a lot of what I say just runs right back around into the book.

Wednesday. Todya was hardest of all. Today I got the news. Charlotte's aunt has died of cancer. I have met her, and she was a completely lovely woman. I am very, very sorry for my dear friend. She doesn't deserve this, and I feel so badly for her family. I actually did not know that she died until I came home and checked my email. Charlotte did not say one single thing in school, even though it happened last night. I am going to be there for her. She was hit harder then me with the obsession, and now she has this on top of being a good student, daughter, and friend. She has asked me to stop sending her links to whatever I find about the book, and I will comply. I just can't imagine how incredibly hard life is for her, so I will do what I can to help. I hate feeling helpless, and that's how I feel now. I know that I can't say "It will all be ok." I have never said that before. I find it extremely condescending and downplays the person's grief or stress. I am trying as hard as I can to be there when she needs me. I will keep trying. That is all I can do... and it infuriates me. I hate being helpless.

As well, in English class today we started talking about true love. Not surprising, but when asked, most of our class doesn't believe in true love. I don't think I do. Or rather... not for me. I am not looking for sympathy. Please, don't feel bad for me. I just don't believe that there is a guy sitting out there LOOKING for me. Or even just WAITING for me. I just can't see that. I put on a good show--I often seem like I have high self-esteem. But I just can't see anyone being in love with ME. It seems probable for�a lot of my friends, but... Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I do not know ONE COUPLE who seems to fit the generally accepted definition of true love. That doesn't help. But...

And so I am not in such a good state. I wish I were. I will stop complaining now and go away. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I will bring something for Charlotte. Not sure what.