oconfessionario's Journal |
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Total public posts: 7 |
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Thursday - Jan. 25, 2007
- 10:17 PM - EDT
- #7
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I just got this really great idea.
Instead of working out in the recycled central heating, I
am going to do what I really want to do. I would feel the
best about myself if I were able to walk, alone and
without distraction, out in the open air, no matter the
temperature (that's what coats/gloves are for) rather
than in a boring gym. I'm still going to walk in the
afternoons, like I have been working out, but around
places in the town where I live that I've yet to explore.
Maybe I'll walk a new route each week, and on Saturday,
go out searching for a new path somewhere that's safe,
out of the way of traffic and beautiful. :)
This is going to be great!
In addition to this goal, I am really striving my best to
stick to 1200 calories per day and plan my days around
that. And to push out all the "cant's" because no matter
how badly I want to buck my own standards and desires, I
know that the future me will thank me a million times
over for my efforts during the journey.
BTW, www.fitday.com is an awesome resource for anyone
trying to get in shape (personalized journal/calorie
counter/exercise log/nutrient content all in one)
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Tuesday - Jan. 16, 2007
- 6:01 PM - EDT
- #5
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Today was the first day of classes. I also got an email
from the registrar saying that I needed to take 18 hours
(a full load, and more hours than I've ever taken) in
order to graduate in May.
I had to frantically find two classes that would fit with
both work and class schedule, and I did, Latin and
Sociology. They're early morning classes, which is going
to be hard to get up for, but at least they might be
somewhat interesting (I hope...) and they don't mess up
the rest of the day.
Anyway, that really kind of stressed me out because I
hate feeling like I'm not choosing where I'm at, and I
certainly didn't choose to have this many hours. I had
already planned for this semester to be a busy one, and
now it seems doubly so. I don't know how I'm going to
study for all this, but somehow I always manage.
I'm already typing up the notes for Biology, and I made
an appt to talk to someone from the Career center to
figure out what I should do after graduating, and how to
make those plans a reality (so I can break it to my dad)
and then I made a counselling appointment starting next
week, every other week.
I don't have money for books yet though, so I'm going to
have to call my dad and ask for some, since HT paycheck
isn't going to cut it probably. And I just checked my
bank account, and the stupid check that I deposited on
Saturday still hasn't gone in, so after I went grocery
shopping yesterday and bought some other things, it's in
the negative, but hopefully they will clear that up and
not charge an overdraft fee. If they do, I can still go
in and talk to someone about it, it's just one more
annoying task.
Now I need to get dressed warmly and get myself to the
gym. Maybe I'll go visit my friend Brittany who should be
back on campus by now--I can't wait to see her!
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Monday - Jan. 15, 2007
- 5:02 PM - EDT
- #4
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Today is just not going the way I wanted it
too. I was
successful in finding a pair, no, two pair
of sneakers
and got some workout pants and mousse at
Target with
Nyssa but for some reason, this day just
doesn't feel
fulfilling. Now I am trying to get my room
cleaned up and
organized before I have to babysit tonight
and classes
start tomorrow.
I was talking to Nyssa about the things I
don't really
like about living with a room-mate. And I
really don't
like to even think about those things,
because I know how
lucky I am to live where I do, and that
Kelly is so nice,
even though I do have a few pet peeves,
which I'm sure
she does too.
And also, I think last night eating that
burrito, it was
too much food, and then the crackers, I'm
just wondering
what possesses me to eat so much in 1
setting. And I know
what it is--duh, boredom! Of course I
didn't think of
that before. I should have just read my book
and went to
bed, but no I ate pbj crackers instead.
I did also find a coat too, which I'm really
excited
about! So really, I'm all set to get started
working out
now. The coat is on it's way, I've got
workout pants and
shoes, and I can start walking again!
Also when I was talking to Nyssa I just
realized how much
I want to help her adopt a healthier
attitude towards
things and you just can't do that for
someone, they have
to come to things on their own. I just don't
want to
discourage her by my own progress, whether
good or bad.
And I don't want to get sucked back into the
mindset of
letting my environment and who I'm with
control me,
because it doesn't. I think that's why I'm
happiest and
healthiest when I'm spending a lot of time
on my own, and
I'm constantly working or sticking to a
schedule.
I am glad that I am babysitting for the
Harts again
tonight. And I am going to make good (for
the second
time) on not eating everything in sight, and
esp. staying
away from sugars which I know are the worst
things I
could eat right now.
Today my little temptations card is really
not going to
get filled up so far. I've eaten so much...
2 eggs, 2 pckts oatmeal at bfast
1/2 burrito, salsa, 1/2 c butter beans
1 c. rice chex, 2 c. 2% organic milk
1 english muffin, 2 tbs peanut butter
Woah. I do feel encouraged to be a good role
model for
Nyssa though. I want to start walking right
away,
tomorrow morning.
God, please help me to make good on these
goals. I'm
sorry I was ignoring your guidance when I
was eating
earlier today. I let the beast get to me
again today.
But I know that I will win because I could
feel it today,
that you are going to help me.
I'm going to finish cleaning up, start a
load of laundry,
and then get all the garbage out of my car.
Tomorrow, I'm going to get up at 7, walk
around the
neighborhoods from 7:30 to 8:30 or so, or go
to the gym.
Then I'll have time to shower from 9 until
10 and eat
breakfast, and then make it to class at
1050. I have Bio
and Lab tomorrow.
I'm kind of nervous too, about talking to
someone and
figuring out what the hell I'm going to do about
graduating. It's scary to think that I have
to decide all
this, well before May gets here. Yikes! But
I really
trust that God will give me the guidance,
and he's going
to help me find out what I'm doing this
summer. I keep
going back and forth with the bookselling
thing, and
right now it's back.
Alright, time to get productive.
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Sunday - Jan. 14, 2007
- 11:54 PM - EDT
- #3
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I just watched the movie Amelie for the 5th or 6th time.
In my opinion, everyone should see that film. And not
only see it, but every 3 months or so. Just to be
reacquainted with the beauty of life when you notice the
small things.
I wasn't able to wake up in enough time to go to the
little Great Redeemer Episcopal church at the bottom of
the hill near my house today. I've only been there once,
but I do want to make it a habit, I enjoyed it.
Tomorrow is the only free day I'll have in a long time,
and I'll be babysitting tomorrow night, so I need to use
it wisely. I want to get my room and the rest of the
apartment cleaned before classes begin Tuesday and I have
barely a spare moment.
This semester I have such a busy schedule, classes,
studying, 2 jobs, babysitting on the side, and my plan to
work out 4 days a week. Plus my goal is to read 50 books
this year, which means I need to read 1 per week. I do
love it when my life is busy though, and reading a lot
helps me not to ruminate!
In trying to keep up my goal to eat healthier this year,
I made a little 'temptations card'. You know how you can
get those little cards at coffee shops where they punch
out a number each time you buy a drink and then when all
of the numbers are punched out, you get a free drink?
Well, I wrote on an index card, Temptations, and then for
each time that I resist a temptation instead of indulging
mindlessly and feeling worse later, I put a foil star
sticker on it, and write the date and a tiny note to the
side like 'cookie at work' to represent what I resisted.
Then when I fill the entire card up with stars, I will
reward myself with something. For xmas, from my boss at
work, I got a gift certificate to Target, so maybe when I
fill up the card, I will find a way to use it. That way
I'm not spending too much money either.
I am also trying to spend money more wisely, on things
that I really love, that will last and I will cherish
forever. There's so many little essential things that I
could really do without anyway. Like for instance, diet
soda. I may as well break that habit and not spend the
money, since it's not doing any real good anyway. Think
how much that would add up after awhile.
Instead of soda I am going to start drinking iced tea,
but unsweetened, and with raspberry tea instead of
regular. I think that would be really good.
Sugar is so overrated. And such a monster, really.
Also I am going to start walking in the mornings again,
because I remember I loved that.
I feel content, for the first time in a long while.
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Saturday - Jan. 13, 2007
- 1:02 AM - EDT
- #2
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Well, this is a good place to write this
amazing story
that happened tonight!
When I was a little girl, about 12 years
ago, a neighbor
of my family's took care of me and my little
sister until
my third little sister was born and then she
went to work
at a bakery. She was a very important part of my
childhood as I remember it. She was an
amazing chef and a
diehard Christian and I have many fond
memories of
staying at her house, being babysat by her
16 year old
daughter Robin and the many delicious
recipes she would
cook for us. Then she moved out to Colorado
and we moved
out to Michigan. We lived in the same
neighborhood in
Maryland. Somehow we got the wrong address,
and have been
out of touch unfortunately for several
years. Still,
every year, my parents send a Christmas card
to the CO
address they gave us, just hoping against
hope it might
not be returned. But it always does get sent
back.
In particular, there are three things we
remember about
Mrs. R's culinary talents: French toast,
this wonderful
stuff called Spaghetti Pizza that is to die
for and my
mom's favorite, an almond raspberry layer
cake. Since
then, we've tried in vain, so many times to
recreate
those recipes.
So anyway, back to the AMAZING story. Last
we heard of
the R's, they were in CO and we had no way
of telling
them when my dad found a job in NC almost 8
years ago.
Now I go to school four hours away from home
in the
mountains of NC and just this past fall, I
took a part
time job working a grocery store on the
opposite side of
town from where I live.
All of these things culminate into the
experience I'm
about to tell you!
Meanwhile, Robin, the daughter, has married,
had two
little girls and is 9 months pregnant with
her third baby
girl. Her husband was offered, and accepted
a job
teaching math at a small private school in
the mountains
of NC, moving from their previous home in
Pennsylvania.
Mrs. R comes to stay with Robin to see her third
grandchild born, and the little family I
once knew and
very much loved decides to go grocery
shopping, at least
45 minutes out of the way, at the very same
grocery store
that I happened to still be employed at
(which is
miraculous in and of itself since I very
much wanted to
quit at the end of last year).
Had Mrs. R not been visiting and been with
Robin at that
moment though, I never would have recognized
Robin, since
she was so pregnant and so different seeming
from the
teenager who took me the pool and the
grocery store to
get pints of pistachio ice cream. Surely my
babysitter
couldn't be pregnant, and with a family!
Thats just how
memory works.
But no, Mrs. R was with her. And the reason
I even
noticed was because there was a woman
standing near the
register I was working at talking on her
cell phone. And
as I happened to look over and notice this
woman, I
thought, WOW she looks JUST like Mrs. R! But
No, couldnt
possibly be her, that was over a decade in
Germantown MD.
My mind is just playing tricks. But she
stood there for a while, just talking on her
cell phone, 10 feet from where I was working
and the more I tried to prove to myself that
it wasn't her, the more I picked up on the
phrases she used to say (Well, frankly...)
and then as she walked off, I smelled her
perfume, and although I never would have
guessed I still remembered that, the scent
itself was exactly Mrs. R's! IT IS HER! By
the time they got up to my register, I was
shaking, I was so excited to meet my beloved
Mrs. R again!!!
Long story short, it was a dramatic
reuniting filled with
lots of laughter, a few tears of joy and
whole lot of
hugging, in the middle of the grocery store!!!
I called my family, including my younger
sister to tell
them the news right after I got off work
tonight. They just couldn't believe it either.
Part of the reason this experience was so
amazing is
because just recently, I came to believe,
for several
reasons, that God does exist, and only in
the last few
weeks have I started to realize certain
things through a
lot of different epiphanies I've had which have
culminated in the gift of faith, I believe.
I had a lot of holes of doubt throughout
high school and into college, until the
fragile blanket of belief I had lovingly
treasured became like a child's favorite,
tattered and torn until there was absolutely
nothing left. And then for some reason, very
recently after I started talking to a
counselor, convinced that my life was
falling apart, I had three seperate
epiphanies that restitched that blanket to
something tangible, and now that blanket of
faith not only exists again, but is
embellished with a miracle.
When I saw Mrs. R tonight, it was like God
saying,
'See, Caley?? I really am here, watching out
for you.'
And although God doesn't provide miracles
everyday, he
helps us along while our faith is still weak
as long as
we're willing to pay attention. And I am
ready and
willing to pay attention. But he always
leaves it up to
us from there. It's just a preliminary push,
so we can be
absolutely certain that we're not crazy for
believing in
angels and glory and the Cross and Satan.
Thank you, God.
This was beyond anything I could ever think
to ask for.
God, you've not only blessed my life, but my
whole family's as
well.
HALLELUJAH!
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Friday - Jan. 12, 2007
- 2:30 PM - EDT
- #1
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Here I am again, yet another online journal. There's no
telling how many I have now, floating out there in the
cyberworld universe...
No matter. The inspiration is always novel (at least to
me), and I am here to tell all, for once and for all, the
daily thoughts, plans, dreams, ideas, rantings, etc.
however menial that characterize my life on Earth.
I'm hoping I'll be completely honest here, so that I can
read over my words and decipher for myself what I think I
should do or become or whatever other benefit journal
writing has. The only rule is: Everything goes.
Shall we begin?
I believe that my fatal flaw is rumination. Not just on
negative things, which tend to eat me away while I
torture myself needlessly, but with positive things as
well. Until I obsess and beat to death a dream or idea
with the blunt force object of 'someday' thinking.
I've realized, recently that the entire realm of the
'someday' does not really exist, and not only is it a
pretend matter, but it is a cruel tease as well. People
can be ruined by their dreams; I know this. This process
can be summed up in one deceivingly beautiful word:
disillusionment.
Of course, ruminating on negative things is also
terrible, while maybe not quite as bad as ruminating on
the positive.
It makes those stabs of physical pain all the more
unbearable, heartache a precipice to suicide, self-doubt
an undefeatable and grotesque monster.
The point being, for the past several years of my life,
spanning through adolescence and well into early
adulthood, I have had a very strong but vague feeling
that life had at some point become for my soul,
completely unfulfilling. But until recently I did not
realize that I truly was my own worst enemy, or those
inner demons were (but in the end, I listened to them, so
it was me that became the real tyrant after all).
Rumination: to chew again or over and over.
"I let the beast in
and then I even tried
forgiving him
but it's too soon
so I'll fight
again
again
again
again
again"
-F
iona
Apple
"We're human beings, not human doings" -Someone said, as
referenced to me by my very kind counselor
When rumination becomes a daily evil, it grows and
festers until it inhabits your every waking moment.
Before you can realize what's happening, your mind has
been completely consumed with the waste of unappreciated
ideas, life-solutions ("what was so wrong with my life in
the first place?" you'll never think to ask), self-doubt,
worry, judgments and is devoid of joy or any other
remotely recognizable emotion. All of a sudden you've
been completely stripped bare of what you never had to
work for or think about or self-motivate for to begin
with. I think it comes with the territory of leaving
childhood. We think we must forsake all of our carefree
ways if we ever want to get anywhere, become someone, do
something with our lives.
And that's where a foreign, but easily recognizable face
makes his way in. The first demon of subtlety paves the
way for the demon whose evil is apparent from any facet,
and yet once he makes a home for himself, deep beneath
your skin, by the time you've discovered another
presence, the water is so deep and dark and freezing
cold, that it seems, since you have no choice in the
matter anyway, might as well take the plunge and discover
that liquid submerged world below.
Come on in, the water feels fine.
I lay in bed at night, close my eyes, and try to find
solitude from the menacing thoughts and circumstances
I've conjured, all in mental picture shadowboxes, with
their own completely separate connotations.
All I can see in my mind's eye is a kaleidoscope of
strange people popping up here and there, doing
completely understandable but not quite identifiable
things. Sometimes there are objects, environments,
situations.
To say the least, it isn't quite pleasant.
To feel that I have no control over what comes in,
because I certainly didn't ever see that person before
in my life, how did she get there? Maybe... I've
concluded, they're just my demon's other victims. While
I'm content to lie in a bed for several hours rest, he
simply plugs in a tape, a cinematic collage of all the
different spirits he's tormented in a day, and is then
free to torture others. Surely a demon never rests.
Awareness, to him, is the brink of destruction.
But the battle is never over, especially not while my
lungs still pump air, my heart beats and my mind is
washed over in experience after emotion after mental
illness.
I'll continue this train of thought later, when I'm
feeling more in control of where it's headed. For now
it's all a little too much for me, I write as I uncover
all the mysteries plaguing my spirit, and I feel as
though I've discovered too much truth for one sitting.
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oconfessionario's Profile |
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| Username: oconfessionario |
| Gender / Age: Female, 23 |
| Location: USA - North Carolina |
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OCONFESSIONARIO's Interests: |
About Me:
I'm a senior in college, majoring in Spanish. I'd like to someday spend time in another country teaching English or something like that. I'm not really ready to graduate. I want to get a masters/teaching license first in TEFL. I started out doing Elem. Edu. but I don't think that's for me, I do want to teach though. For now the biggest thing, is figuring out where to go next!
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Interests:
Reading, writing, babysitting, walking, kickboxing, skiing
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Favorite Movies:
Amelie, Brokedown Palace, Shawshank Redemption, Sean Connery 007 movies, anything with Grace Kelly, lots of old movies on AMC, Edward Scissorhands, Matilda, Requiem for a Dream, 28 Days Later
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Favorite Television:
CSI Las Vegas, Nip/Tuck, That 70's Show, Unsolved Mysteries, Family Matters, Full House and the old TGIF show lineup (man I miss that program!) and of course, What Not To Wear
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Favorite Books:
God-Shaped Hole, The Great Divorce, The Screwtape Letters, Something Wicked This Way Comes, White Oleander, Patron Saint of Liars, This Much I Know Is True, The Arms of God
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