nodeadends's Journal

The day has just started and am already stressed out already. I went for an interview yesterday, as wasn't feeling it at all. I don't want to work for peanuts, but I have a family and bills to pay. I feel the job is beneath me, as is the case with this one. Not that I am not grateful I can do a lot better than what's being offered. I need to pay for my summer class. The kids are with my mom for the moment. Day care is shut down 'til next Tuesday. I need some real money. Speaking of which Curtis is trying to get his child support payments lowered that is laughable. He hasn't payed in three months so what is there to decrease. He says he want to be with me, having a hard time believing or trusting anything he says. His motives are not clear, I think he thinks being with me will lower or obliterate his financial obligation to X.E.,I can see where this is headed; he isn't pursuing me just wanting to get fucked. One day I want to settle down with the kids and have a nuclear family. Not sure Curtis is the one for this, he is so self absorbed and aloof. I tell the kids to ask for what they want but I won't do this with him for fear he may interpret such as being demanding. Being intimate with him is even awkward for me, he is much more aggressive. Like let's get to it, which is usually my role. This is hypocritical but his behavior is a turn off. He says he's monogamous, having trouble believing this. "
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Ok here we go ... the cracker spoke to the kids in regard to the allegations I made against Joey. She spoke to the kids n.p. there, but most of her question was geared toward me. I don't know why she didn't show more interest in DJ and his situation. This is why I can't stand them nosy over zealous mother fuckers! If I have said it once..... Those crackers don't raise their children like African Americans do! I was watching wife swap last night one black couple and white couple the shit was off the hinges! Whites don't believe in corporal punishment that's why their kids are ill mannered and unruly. You would never see mine cutting up in public, I would whip that ass right on the spot.

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That bitch was all up in business asking what my son said were "stupid" questions; Like does your mom feed when you're hungry, does your mom spank you, who resides in your house?. Whom do you live with? She already knows this, what she doesn't know is that I have prepped my kids on how to respond to questions from cps.

Spanking is not against the law, nor is it abuse. I made the mistake of giving her my work number this is a business, not the appropriate place for me to discuss what is going on with DJ. In some ways I regret calling them at all. They are like roaches once you have them its hard to exterminate them from you life.

Someone please tell me why I am I such a hateful little bitch.

I don't have a particular reason for diskliking the people I work with but I don't like them @ this moment. Their chumminess grates on my nerves. Yuck. I feel like an outsider, always have felt this way. I don't belong is how I feel. I am rethinking doing administrative

work all together. Being behind the desk all day can become

I am pissed off about the visit D.J. had with Joey. He told me someone touched and Joey informed me his D.J. is lying. I believe D.J. all the way it was the first thing that came out of his mouth. His girlfriend called me acting a fool; those two deserve each other, fuckin' drama magnets. My mother is calling me right now as I type this cant be good Hmm what do you know its about C.P.S. They are going to the daycare to talk to him about what happened. This was the right choice for me, as his mother it's my job to protect him at all cost. Mrs. Donna is not happy about having them in her home, but I don't give a damn. I didn't know they were coming to the daycare. What they told me is that they were going to setup an appointment with a reach worker. For his father to dismiss my son's remarks really pisses me off. I didn't tell my mother what went down in ags"
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Because I heard her say in the background I got my own problems. Then when I went over there she asked me what my attitude was about. I hurry up and left before I exploded on her. She is so freakin fake it pisses me off. Supposedly my children stay with her, but for the short time they were there she called and asked me when I was coming to pick them up. But Yolanda was there with her daughter and she didn't have a problem being bothered with them. I don't fuck with her either, because she is very ambivalent: Also because we are on two different plateaus. I am single parent, she isn't, she is religious and close minded and I am spiritual and open minded to many different things. Basically it's this I just want to separate/sever all ties with them. "
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I harbor a lot of resentment towards my mother, which is my justification for getting away from her. I am certain that she doesn't care for me, she is who she is and I am who I am.

I am going to do everything within my means to get my kids back and leave them the hell alone.

A lot of different shit is stressing me out, like moving, my day care provider and a whole bunch of other shit. She just hung up on me or we got disconnected.

cant seem to pull it together. I am so fucking angry I could really hurt a mother fucker. Mike Fleming the slum lord refuses to return my money. Last week I was evicted I started to type convicted lol. I m work but not really here my mind is on so many other things.

Daniel went with Joey last night to Virginia . That is what I needed. He should be getting his stitched removed soon. He should stay off that damn fence like I have told him so many times before. He seemed to be content to go off with Joey. And Isaiah is content to be with my mom. Zay swears she knows everything freaking thing and that she is grown. My question is that if she is so grown then why did she come back to my house? I didn't seek her out, tramps up and down the street and beg her to make my life more difficult.

I don't know what to do about my current living arrangements. Sunday I was ready to take it to the bridge literally! I need my money from the slum lord he makes my skin itch as if I have some incurable disease. It's obvious he has taken a liking to me that is not mutual. Can you say yuck? Last week the dumb bitch in payroll jacked up my check. So I had to wait two weeks which will be this Thursday.

Even though me and mother don't see eye to on most things she could relate to all the bullshit Iam going through alone.

Curtis makes me sick to stomach talking about how much he is giving me for her which a damn lie straight from the pits of hell. He is living well while Im struggling just to keep clean clothes on her. My washer broke I told zay to stay there so the service people from lowes could have access to the basement. Of course I got much attitude. I want to punch her in face, she swears she is some type of goddess that one should bow down and worship. I think she forgot who I am! She has all theses suggestions about how and what I should do with mine. All I got to say is that grown people don't live with their mother's.