Just thoughts.

Nov 2008
7:47 PM EDT

Where to start? (#1)

I've decided an online journal is most likly the best for me. Considering my mother will read anything and everything that looks like it belongs to me. I've started journals many many times. I've either forgot about the whole journal idea because it felt more like an obligation then a relaxation techniquie. Or my journal was found, read, and gotton shoved in my face because of the words i write. Shouldn't a journal be something that is completly yours? Shouldn't it be somewhere you can just spill your blood, guts, and feelings into? If i ever get an answer, i'll tell write down in this neat little online-journal.

Besides all the nonsense�of starting my journal...

It's been 2 days since i was dismissed from Children's Mercy Hospital. Gah, i hate saying 'children's mercy' i feel like i'm so young and helpless, like i have no expericance with anything. I relize i'm 14 years young, but i still can't help but be angery about not being able to make all of my desisions. Any whos. The doctors didn't find anything else wrong with me (of course, they never do), except for EGD. Which we've known about for a while, and thought be had it under control. Guess not. They sent me home with yet another medication to try. As if i'm a helpless animal that they test anything on. The pain is overwhelming most of the time. I sometimes get relief, but mostly just pain. No one belives the pain i go through.

[insert best friend's name]�is semi-supportive of me. But latly i've been doing alot of thinking...The week i was in the hospital i called her to tell her and she said 'sorry..' and then spoke of nothing but herself, and her crushes, her friends, her great life. It made me sick. It's not that i want her to be 'omfg. blah blah blah are you okay?!?!?!? blah blah blah omg!' I just wanted her to agknowledge me in some way. Say 'i hope you get better' or 'i wish you luck'. That exact thing happened with [insert friend's name].

And they are all i have. And i just lost them. Sure i have [insert a buddy's name], kinda, she's to caught up in 'Audrey' or 'Aubrey' or...something... She talks about her so offen i try to block her words out. So. i'm down to...... well.....Me.

I know people say 'im so alone! i have no one!' and they have like 2 billions friends waiting on AIM to talk to them.�But, in this case I don't have anyone. I havn't 'hung out' with someone in...like....3 and a half weeks. I know that doesn't sound like much but, when you're in pain constantly, being with people you loves gives a little band-aid to me. I hate talking about this. I don't understand why i even think about this sort of thing.

My sister and mom persuaded me into reading 'Twilight'. And that was probly the best thing at could happen to me, and the worst.�I'm on page 197 and i've figured out 27% of myself. It's so scary how one book, one movie, one person can change someone so easy. Why i say the worst is that i've been paying attention to myself more and more. And i scare myself sometimes. At times I think i'm just a hair-obsessed teenage girl, at others.... i think i'm more than a teenage girl trying to find friends. I'm something else...but i can't find it. I dig and strugle to figure it out, but i have no luck. My face is burning with red anger. I hate it when i don't know things. That's silly, isn't it? Because i don't know ALOT of things. No one can know everything. I'm aware of that, i just hate it when something is put in front of me and i don't know the answer or the thing it's hiding.

I guess that's life huh?

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  • Username: kapowkristen
  • Gender / Age: Female, 29
  • Location: USA - Kansas
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