Have an overwhelming sense of being a leaf drifting aimlessly about a pond ... no purpose ... no direction.� A few years shy of 50 and nothing to show materially or spiritually in the way of fruit for the thousands of hours of labor and effort.� Never thought in terms of whether or not my life would leave a mark but feeling more and more often the utter meaninglessness of my existence.� Cannot point to a soul changed by my influence towards being used of God nor can I point to the far less important success in the esteem of men or the accumulation of wealth.� Friends are few, distant and seen at best once a year.� I still struggle day to day, and fail, just to manage to pay the bills.� My home is not even maximized for what it is but rather is a mess, an eye sore, an embarassment.� Worthless seems to be a word which describes and encompasses all that I am and do and possess.� I marvel each day that God even allows me to waste the air I breathe.� Many years back I made a conscious choice to ask that when my life reached a point at which it was without positive value that in mercy He would take me home.� Seeing, through my eyes at least, virtually no positive impact on anyone or anything I wonder if there is something I do not see or if there is some tremendous reversal of this misfortune yet to come for which I am being preserved.� All too often I echo those words of Solomon's despair "all is vanity and vexation of spirit".
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