Let Me Fill You In
Currently I'm in a weird situation let me back up a couple months from now. March 2007 my parents & I weren't seeing eye to eye on curfew & life in general so they told me and my older to move out. Which we did with no problem it was getting that time anyway but it happened so fast we were about to go out & he told us not to come back only to get are stuff. So we did my brother moved with his girlfriend & I moved with my two friends & there mother in a tiny 2bedroom apartment. Also both of my friends have kids and they are taking care of there nephew. The living situation was cool a little crowded but if you have no other place to go it's cool. Now speed up to the end of July there great grandmother passed and the funeral was in oklahoma so we all planed to go down there. Honestly I didn't feel comfortable going cause it wasn't my family. And a 12 hour car ride with 4 adults, & 3 babies didn't seem appealing. So I asked my parents if I could crash at there house which they were fine with. Any way being there made we realize trying to go to school & work in a house full of people wasn't going to work. My parents were filling the same way and asked me if I wanted to come back home. I agreed but in the meantime my house mates had returned from there trip and didn't brother to call and say they were back so I stayed at my parents house for 2 weeks before I called them and came by the house to get a few things. There other sister had returned with them from the trip and was going to be staying at the house two which meant no room for me anyway. They acted funny when I came by didn't speak bullshit like that. So now it's been about a month and I haven't called or went back. I feel bad but I don't know how to make the situation better. I have to go get the rest of my things from there house this weekend because I start school next week and I need my clothes. Hopefully things go well with that. I still want them in my life but just not like it was. I feel like the path that I want my life to go down they aren't tryna go down thus causing us to grow apart. I'm not sure if things are going to be the same but then again things were headed in a odd direction any way.
On another note me and my brother who were extremely close haven't talked in almost a month. It brothers me a bit only because I'm use to talking to him everyday. We have been through so much it's weird not having him to share my problems with and just to talk to. But I guess we are grown now so things change when you get grown. Personally I rather be alone but that's so topically for me. I that girl in school that everybody loves to be around because she's the life of the party, pretty, smart, creative, and fun. I like the attention and the friends but deep down I'm empty and I rather be alone because I'm scared to let people in because I feel like I'm living a lie. Every thing I've been through in life I fill like I don't deserve to be happy, I can't be pretty, I'm not smart just got through life on common sense, and no one should want to be around me but I'm going to try and change that in 2008. I want to become more social get out of this pattern of pushing everyone away. That includes trying to get into a relationship with someone because I'm sure I deserve some kind of love and affection. I'm really damaged from seeing all the shit my mom went through with my dad, rasing myself along side of my brother cause my dad had my moms head fucked up and being treated like trash by my dad's family and it's time to address my issues instead of pretending they don't exist. I've considered seeing a professionally & getting there opinion. I'm much better than how I was a few years back. I've learned to love myself and put me first, so I am growing I believe the next step is healing from my past. But I need help in that department I have no clue where to start or what all I need healing from. 2008 will be the year I change my life and myself. I will be taking a test for the united states postal office soon that's $20 an hour. Besides school and that I'm going to start networking for my clothing line, start my portfolio with that and modeling. Actually doing things that make me happy with two middle fingers to anybody who's against that. My personal and love life will be but on pause until I accomplish some of my goals. My plans for the next few months will be working for my dad part time cleaning schools at night, college, the post office hopefully, my clothing line, & remaking me. After I get things in order then I can concentrate on friends and getting a boyfriend becauselove is life andif you miss love you miss life. By Spring 2008 I should have things together.
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