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Friday - Apr. 13, 2007
- 1:45 AM - CST
- #14
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Well,I back as they say,andIt looks as if I haven't wrote in bout two months.Well sorry to the readers but I been an emotional wreak. You know this already man....! So I am in thearpy, It been... ummm.. not so much hard but lets say.....uniquely different. All w/ the people and just graping a hold on the experience of the life turning, world changing eventI have embarked my selfupan. So this is the first week and i have cried everyday,just like any other day.So I have this counsler that i just met last week, in whichI thoughtI was going tohave this other girl, for sercuity reasons lets call my counsler AAMIE, and NowI letting all the feeling andI doing all this talking and.... it like whoaaa!!! Hold up nelly... beforeI know Itaking a drug test and telling her crap thats like "Hey, where crystal go" I don't talk expecally to a stranger that is a girl. But hey what a girl going to do? this is soppost to be what the saying life changing. All in all it been good,I think.. I might not even know what I have gotten my self into. So I go three times a week and in this wek I have group everytime and 1 one on one w/ AAMIE. Well today group was difficault mostly because when I went in to do my one on one w/ AAMIE she started the day by mind fucking me. She does this well.... I must say casueI sat at the daily grind for the next three hours trippin and then group and This one guy that I sat next to one the first day... Which in my world would of been the guy i bonded w/ first just causehe quite and you can see he is a thinker... I don't know something about him Anyways He go to do his check in and He start to say how he had this extremly bad bad and That One reaso is cause of Me!! Yes I know MEEEEE!!! CauseI share I was in the club and gave a little of my background... yada yad yada... So it was hard seeing this butI should be use to it causeFirst judge ment... I hate this... Iwas pissed but yet I didnot say nothig I sure something will come of this more later in the weeks to come. I relate to all but .. Still no one close to being like me so We will seee I will be chatting throughtout the weekend. 47 ( my time entry is going to expire) late
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Sunday - Jan. 14, 2007
- 12:10 PM - CST
- #5
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Don't look at the sun. Cover you eyes, shade you face,
and keep tring to look for me behind those glasses. Keep
your head up. Look to the sky, feel the heat from the
flames of fire that so far away you can't touch me. A
loss of sight and feeling cast shades of empty blacks
and deep blues on a infante night I shine. Its easy to
lose yourself in pure Crystal Stars casted across a
calming internal sky by my soul protecter. Pure Crystal
are so fragial that they chip a way in not taken care
of.Hold one carefully, Such a divin miniral,All you need
is one ray of light,that you hide your eyes from. Hold
your crystalized piece up in a golden beam, and watch
the colors fall like round bottem heavey raindrops in
the calm of the storm. Lost in so many colors that run
from deep with in a turbulant rivier, that has washed
over my eyes. Here is my direction, He can turn liquid
skittle into holy water. It so pure no mortal can see.
As I wwatch this tital wave move into the horzion of
loss and shame, It clear a elegant palett of glitter
blues and dull sivers and coffen black. I sit with
luner, but you can't see me. A crystal so pure you can
see straight through. I over here looking down on you
while your looking up with your eyes coverd. 47
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Sunday - Dec. 17, 2006
- 11:18 PM - CST
- #1
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Yea ... I now it Carli ,then it was Chad, then before
that it was michelle. I have never been your main
concern. Oh school ... that was first which I accepted
then but why you go if you don't want to wor? YOU could
of been there. You break promises... you say one thing
do another!! I hate broken words of promise. I
understand what is done is done. with you school/working
choices that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us. Or
that they still do. Yes I am bitter angry mad really a
completely differnt person now. YOU and TOBEY did this
to me. I have no trust in anyone. I not going to talk to
anyone, and nobody is who they are. This is me and this
is how I feel. The club has had it days on me also.
Which you can't even fathem the shit I seen and been
through. I don't get you when you say you want to talk
to tobey in jail. That your tring to understand? Well IT
kinda late why didn't you do tis when there was a chance
to change and save or what ever..... back then!! I don't
get it when you can know every thing bout your friends
and your club yet haven't taken that same effort into
us. It like you just throu your hands up in the air on
us and gave up. I know you know people who did this and
how is makes you feel, hmmmmm..... I wonder I I feel
When evryone has done this to me and now it is starting
with Carli, YOu know I was stuck in TAmpa Last weekend
Cause this fuking Docter boyfriend I thought was going
to be really good for us instead ended up being one of
the most meanest...unrespectful .... thought he was
going to fukin rape me in downtown tampa cause he was
druck or whatever his excuse was ... I ws stuck ther mom
with nobody to call in an airport that I had to talk the
driver into taken me there for fre cause I have no
wallet or ID. NOW YOU DEAL WITH THAT, YOU just don't
get it mom. YOU will never get it. I know you try some
days, but ther are also other days. I was at work
listing to my bosses wife talk about taken care of
herself for her family and all this stuff... This is
coming from a very sweet lady that make a million
dollors if she get out of bed or not. Then she said
something that made me stop drawing.... NEVER
EMOTIONALY TIE YOUR FUTURE TO SOMEONE ELSES LACK OF
ACTIONS!!!. I a a ah'ha moment. That what I been doing
this whole time. DUH... and now I am hurt ia m suffing
in everyway. People take my AC unit, I was being nice.
The love of my life destroyed my dream of anything
normal family life. Family and friend you get close to
screw you over the best or leave, w/o thought. I never
even seen it coming. People just have used me to the
point to wear I only live for carli and me. Some days
that hard. Who would of thought I be like this. people
see the change in me and wonder why? Well .... they
don't really fuking care they just act like they do do
they can talk at you or about you. Even you have said
thing I remeber to the excat word and where that hurt.
This kandice thing ya'll are such BFF What ta hell is
that about? Where was my BFF invite. OH yea I never got
one cause of being being worried about everyone else.
You said I wish my girls were more like her. Well I can
bet she would be her if she went throu thease wonderful
sentive emotions we have. You know everything about her
and her friend and you hang w/o judgment and to me is
fuck up. She is very nice but you asked so deal with
it. I remeber your face when you told me allllll about
her and how ou were. Happy you had a friend. I saw that
but... I never seen that in you cause of or michelle. I
see it w/ carli. Hell It was hard enough to get you to
even belive in me on anything I do or did or wanted to
do. I do think you dont even see me anymore. I wonder
why you even got a myspace pace if you weren't going to
check the blogs or post? what ta point. Temerarly get
focus then that not your focus anymore. Just everything
I ever know and who and emotions and people and
everything in this word to me currently is just smoke
and mirriors. It hard to understand your self when that
what you see. monkey see monkey do. I refuse to raise
carli in that manner. Yea I have an extrem amount of
anger and resinment and the depth of hurt is unbelivable
you can even see the bottem it is so deep. but Hey now
you got something to think about. Crystal Light ...
Cause my boss said I am in a new industry and I have to
change my name. Kinda funny I thought. ?Where is that
light? I thought Then I thought oh yea it behind ta
mirrior.
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