Rumblings ...

Jun 2008
6:42 AM MST

I am such an emotional wreck. I have fallen for this guy and this guy doesn't know that I exist as a member of the female gender. I�long to have his arms wrapped around me, or to nuzzle my cheeks in his chest. Geez! At forty, I act like a teenager before this guy

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Jun 2008
12:13 PM MST

60 seconds

It was the most glorious 60 seconds. He pulled my bag in the elevator so I can stand right beside him ... just a brief chat about his lunch, all in under 60 seconds. I do love him ... ut it is a secret that is best kept secret.

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Jun 2008
8:41 AM MST

Dealing with a manipulative person

It's hard to exactry pinpoint why I know that she dislikes me except that I can feel her dislike/hatred emanate from her and to me. I have no idea what I did to make her treat me like this ... she is very manipulative. I can feel her trying to edge me out or downplay my role in the team but her ways are so subtle ... she is one hell of a cunning, manipulative, egotistic bitch who tires to win allies to serve her plans, whatever they are. And how to deal with her, 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week ? I dunno ... guess I have to stay my cool, keep my sanity and just hope that one day an oversize ego would just self-destruct.

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Jun 2008
12:16 PM MST

AWKWARD MOMENTS

Mr. Cocky�came by today for a meeting with my colleague who is sitting just next to me. Asked me how my running was, so on and so forth. Finally, they had a meeting and his voice was distracting me. I was able to force myself to concentrate on my work but half of me is acutely conscious of him. This can't be. I can't wear my heart on my sleeves. People are already noticing ... I really need to go online and meet guys, go on dates just so I could�fall out of love from Mr Cocky. Because sadly, there is no bright future nor is there a prospect for a relationship. And I would not be taking that step, I have to save my face. The dilemma of having to fall for a guy in your office !!! Sigh.

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Jun 2008
12:52 PM MST

Bread for stone

I remember this story in the bible about one of Jesus' parables. When somebody throws a stone at you, throw back, not a stone, but a piece of bread. I like this guy so much. In fact, with a little encouragement, I could fall for him so hard. But he is rude, cocky and arrogant. I suspect it is how he manages his shyness and awkwardness. You see, he is still single in his 40s, no girlfriend after his last girl from two years ago. In very rare moments, I can feel the gentleness from him. I used to treat him with disdain and ignore him. I guess if he DOES NOT like me, it is not really an excuse for me to hurt him. Obviously, he does have some personality problems and one thing I can help him is NOT to contribute to that problem. I'll try to be nice to him (not too nice for him to suspect that I like him). And I'd better fall out of love, ASAP.

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Jun 2008
12:14 AM MST

Running in the Rain

It was rainy yesterday and I run for 3k. It will rain again today and I am supposed to run 10k. Taht's based on my half-marathon training program. I don't mind running in the rain at all. I do get wet, just a little bit but I have my running jacket and wicking socks (to keep my feet dry). There's something about running in the rain that is soooo refreshing ... because not a lot of people relish going out on a weather like this, I find myself alone with the few birds, gophers, trees and shrubs and of course, the torrential pouring. People who drive past me must think I am crazy but hell, they're missing a lot. I love it ! Well, got to prepare for my hour long run and looks like, the showers turning into rain.

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May 2008
3:19 AM MST

Training for a run

Just finished my 10k training. While waiting for my 10k event, I'd better start my half-marathon training. Well, need to rest. A week after the 10k and after that build up again for the half. I've never been a sporty, athletic kind of a person. Ball games ? I'm a klutz. Even swimming, can't build up enough endurance to last me long in water. But running is different. From a couch potato and 6 months after, I can run 10k. Slow maybe, but I can reach the distance. And after any of these runs, I still have enough energy for more. That's amazing. Maybe this is the sports that cut for me. Thank goodness I discovered it, a little later in life, but not too late to enjoy it.

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Jan 2007
1:18 PM MST

I am a member of this speaking club and right now, I just don't have the time to spare an hour a week. I sound very ridiculous, it's only an hour of my lunch break as compared to the benefits I'll reap. I think I am losing interest ... I need to re-focus and ask myself what my ulterior motive was when I first joined the group. And whether that motivation still exists ? Does this club still has a purpose for my life ?

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Dec 2006
4:25 AM MST

Time is fleeting ! So much to do but so little time. And if I might add, a heck of a lot of constraints. With New Year approaching, I get to think of things I would like to do in my lifetime. Most of those on the list are not feasible as I work full time. Drat the life of a working mother ! And if I wait for retirement, that's like eons from now ... so how ?? That is the million dollar question I will have to address as I sit and stew on my couch. I need to think of a plan to get me out of my 8 to 5 life and have more flexibility and time (while earn enough money to pay my bills ?) Sounds not possible. There has to be a way. *** good thing about journalizing is I get to talk to myself *** So back on the drawing board, so to speak. After all, it's my life I am planning about.

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Dec 2006
3:33 PM MST

Boxing day ! The crowd and the traffic is horrible. I would have loved to go bargain hunting but I knew I need to spare my credit card this time. I don't need new clothes or any electronics. Don't need it. Want it, yes ! Of course. Who doesn't want to throw out my old TV and replace it with a 42" plasma and install a sensoround sound system ?? Or go splurge on new clothes and accessories ?? Gotta wake up. This lifestyle I cannot afford. Am a single mom. But before I wallow in self-pity, I'd better remember and count all my blessings. There's millions of people like me who eek out a living ... but only a few who feels so blessed much much more than millionaires. That feels better.

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Dec 2006
1:24 PM MST

Nothing eventful happened today. There was a few people left at the office, most have already taken long vacations and will be back after the new year. I have this week and after that, I'll be spending Christmas week with my son. We're not going anywhere, just staying home and have a grand time. I have such a good relaxing, quality time for myself and my son since I left that stressful job. Now, all I can say is that I finally have a life !!!

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1 comment(s) - 01:40 PM - 12/26/2006

Dec 2006
5:30 AM MST

It is Friday noon and I'm counting the hours before I can go home and sit in my couch, sipping a warm lemon juice on my PJs. I still feel lousy today after 6 days. My nose is driving me nuts. For the past two nights, I haven't slept well. I know what the culprit is - it's that blood-colored liquid that my new doctor gave me. It does have a caveat on it: May cause drowsiness. May cause sleeplessness. C'mon, make up your mind. Go figure ! Of all the scientific discovery that mankind has accomplished in the medical front, why can't we not develop a cure-all for common colds ? Or even a vaccine ? Then I don't have to be this sick 3x in a year ! *sniff* sniff* Nice to whine. I do have an excuse, I'm sick.

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Dec 2006
1:25 PM MST

I went to work even if I was still sick. I knew I should have stayed in bed ... argh, my nose sucks. My sniffles are so embarrassing. Why is it that I feel that I don't fit in on any crowd ? I can relate with my colleagues as long as it's work related. I feel safe talking about work but casual talk is just not my cup of tea. It is exasperating that I cannot sustain regular, ordinary conversation. Could it be that I have a boring personality ? And why do I put a brake on myself on any attempt to contribute to a conversation ? Do I fear rejection, being chastised for my opinions, or for stuttering when I become self-conscious, or for saying the wrong things ? At 38, I have a lot of insecurities and uncertainties. There's a lof of learnings to do. I know I just need practice but when the opportunity comes to do so, I find convenient excuses to scoot. What a big chicken !

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1 comment(s) - 05:49 AM - 12/14/2006

Dec 2006
1:16 PM MST

Today is the 2nd day I am confined home. Being sick and in bed does get me to do things which I've time and again, set aside like starting this journal. Been procrastinating for too long. When was the last time I wrote on a diary ??? Well, that was when I was in high school. I thought of going back to that habit because I need to express my thoughts. It's such a lonely life and I have nobody to really talk to ... sure, there are friends around but you cannot just impose on others your own troubles and tribulations. I usually end up being the listener and the "shock absorber". I always have this wish that I can have my own very bestfriend or even soul mate, not necessarily of the oposite sex. Just somebody who understands, willing to listen and to whom I could exchange my views and be just as I am. I had best friends before but we sort of just went out separate ways, they have families now. So, shall I being my journey.

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1 comment(s) - 08:24 AM - 12/13/2006

buttercup68's Profile

Username: buttercup68

Gender / Age: Female, 56

Location: Canada

BUTTERCUP68's Interests:

About Me: I am a work in progress. Still trying to discover my evolving self and living and loving life.

Interests: I love running, with a passion !!! I just started Jan 2008 but I think I found the sport that would last me a lifetime. I am also loving the outdoors - hiking, rollerblading, etc.

Favorite Music: hip hop, pop, rap, rock, country

Favorite Movies: I have lots of favorites: Lord of the Rings, Pride and Prejudice, Notebook, Brokeback ... shall I go on ?

Favorite Television: Documentaries, news, CSI Miami ...actually, I don't watch a lot of TV.

Favorite Books: Depending on my mood ... I can read anything from political books, historical, autobiographies, science, fiction, love stories and yes even archie's comic books

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