I dreamt that I was walking with the two doctors from the show "Nip/Tuck" but I was in a realationship with the dark-haired one.� I can't remember what happened but as we were at this affair, something occured that made the both of us mad at the other.
As we were leaving the function, I kept looking over at him, knowing that any one wrong word would have us really ugly at each other.� I knew that it would only take one word.� He knew the same.� So we both kept our conversation real low keyed.� Very careful with our words.� The tension between the two of us was so tight.� However the entire time we were walking out of the building we were holding hands.� And all the while I was looking in his direction, even though I was mad as all get up, I felt all of this love and admiration for him.
When we got outside we walked the other doctor towards his car.� I turned to go back, I think it was the building or the car, when he stopped and looked at me.� We both looked at each other.� Again, carefully with our words we sort of apologized to each other.� Then we kissed.� Not a nasty kiss, nor a sexy kiss.� A passionate kiss, filled with love.� And as we kissed it made us feel closer to each other.� We stopped kissing for a while, looked at each other and started kissing again.� While kissing I noticed that he had some dirt like substance on his back that I brushed off.� Then I hugged him, feeling all of this love for him.� We kissed again.� I told him how much I loved him and admired him.
I woked up wondering why in the world I had that dream.� I then realized that it was not because I had a crush on him, but it was because I was, no am missing something, no missing the romance in my life.� That dream pretty much stayed with me all day.
I will be 50 in February and I have been looking for that romantic type love for the past 40 plus years.� Guess it may be too late now.� Or maybe I need to find something else to fill that void instead of eating and cat--napping.
Hopefully with this reconstructive surgery on my knee in January, I will be better able to walk again, return to school and work, and get out and do something nice for myself.� It has been 6 plus years that I have been off work because of this knee injury and everything has changed.� I don't really want to be stuck complaining because there are others who are worse off than me so I guess shut up is in order and finding something for me positive to do.
This past Thursday I had to go see a vocational rehabilitation counselor and was that a trip!.� Let's see for me to have a knee that doesn't flex or extend, I had to walk up 10 steps, then 5 steps, then 8 steps, then 4 more steps.� And after all that I got to walk back down those steps.� Why would a voc-rehab counselour have an office up on the second floor since she knows she's dealing with a client who may have a lower extremity injury?� Damn!
Thought that I would try the online journal route.� I think I have talked individuals to death about what I am going thru (or for a lack of better words have put myself thru).� I at times, most times, feel like I cannot heal myself.� The deep internal sadness that grabs me up and squeezes tight each and everyday.� Somedays are better than others, but when the bad days come it is something else. I keep starting journals and never finish.� I also do not like going back and reading what I've wrttten.� I end up hating that person that I portray in the journals.� But maybe eventually writting in this or whatever journal I stick with, will prove to be theraputic.� Perhaps I can make a book out of it.� I have taking a couple of creative writing classes� so who knows.� So I will attempt to take the positive route and keep up with this and work through whatever is bothering me, and right now that's alot!� Hopefully I will also receive some feedback/comments to also assist with the process of moving forward.
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