Rei's Journal
11
Apr 2007
5:38 AM WST
depressing 3/19/07 06:44 pm Edit Entry Edit Tags Add to Memories Track This downright depressing. i'm not living my life the way i should have!!! i should not have stayed here in the philippines. i should have grabbed my dad's hand and went away with him. live in the u.k., fulfill my dreams. i shouldn't have stayed because there's nothing for me here. i only have about 40 years, 30 or 10 if i'm lucky, to live, and nothing makes any sense anymore. how's that. i'm in a state of perpetual moratorium. i jump from one thing to the next. i' crazy psychotic neurotic anxious badly-adjusted. no no no no i have to rewrite everything. first, i want to stop school. i want to savor my youth. ohgod mom's going to kill me if she found out i'm even remotely thinking of quitting school slash being an out-of-school youth. but i have to. if i don't i'm going insane. i just recently found out that my ex already got over me 'his soul mate'. oh yeah yeah i was the one who forgot him rather speedily (pun intended), but it feels weird. i don't give a damn, i'm just greedy. but so i want to travel. alright. i want to do this alone. i want to go atop a mountain and think about my life. no cracky quarter-life crisis. i just want to think. it's so noisy in this city. i used to love the lights and the smoke, but now they just drive me insane. i want the green grass, the clear sky, the sparkling stream. i want the deer and the birds and all the shebang. i want to go away, far far away, where nobody can find me. where hopefully, people who have known me will forget me, and i will forget them. i want to see the million stars. i want to count all the signs in the sky that i could identify. i want to sleep under the sheet of darkness. but how could i do that when i'm drowning under a pile of chemistry lab sheets, papers and papers of people more demented than i am? how could i live my life when I'M STUCK HERE!! ...i just have to breathe for awhile. i'm having a really bad panic attack. everything's going wrong. i'm on the brink of a psychotic breakdown. will i make it through, or will it happen again? i'm going a mile a minute here. i'm fucking crawling out of my skin. i have to leave. i have to do this. i can't allow myself to be like this... i can't be like this AGAIN... i used to love to read to write to watch my animes, now i don't feel anything when i do them. i have mounds of them in my closet, and i haven't finished a single series a single book a single story in a long long time. why, what is happening? am i still myself? or is she beckoning to me? telling me to... come... i'm sorry, so sorry i stayed because of love (again, from LJ, same day. I am THAT desperate...)
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Rei's Profile
Username:
Rei
Gender / Age:
Female, 36
Location:
Philippines
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REI's Interests:
Favorite Movies:
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, closer, ocean's, etc etc add foreign films to the bunch
Favorite Television:
wtf??
Favorite Books:
god of small things... i'll add the rest whem i'm not so *&%$#ng high anymore
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